So maybe I'm an aspie. Now what?

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A few days ago a professor asked me privately if I'd ever been tested for Asperger's (he's a chemistry professor, but his Ph.D. thesis was on biochemical processes of autistic brains, so I guess that counts?) Anywho, I had never considered this before, like ever. I accepted a long time ago that I must just be a socially incompetent wacko. So far I've done all my classes online, but this semester I had to come in person because of the advanced labs. He was apparently inclined to ask me because I tend to blurt out the answer to every question he directs to the class.... okay, and maybe along with additional unsolicited information (on topic) also that I personally happen to find interesting.

I haven't made an appointment with a private practitioner, but I did go to the school counselling center and a graduate student talked to me and gave me an online test (the Baron-Cohen test, which was a 36, so within range, but not extreme or anything). Beyond that, she said it's my call if I want to pursue it farther or not.

Now, I'm 35, and I've spent my life convincing myself that the paranoia that people think I'm crazy is all in my head and it's completely irrational. I can say the first few hours after I got home were in complete shock. That's a lot of years to come crashing down on me only to realize that, no, people really have been looking at me like I have an arm growing out of my forehead all my life. BUT, after a glass of wine or five and a night's rest, the shock wore off, I did a lot of research, and nothing has ever made more sense to me.

It explains why I:
Spend ~ 97% of my time alone
Have no real friends
Am not bothered by having no real friends
Listen to the same song on repeat for days at a time, and have done so out of a pool of about 15 songs for years
Throughout election season developed a fear that I was narcissistic like Donald Trump
...until I realized that my tendencies actually make me feel bad when I realize it, so I must not be a true narcissist
Watch YouTube videos about how to read body language
Keep a mental list about what to say in response to being invited to someone's house
purposefully ask people questions about themselves
Don't hear what they're saying while I'm thinking of more questions to ask so it seem like I'm listening
Feel like going into a homicidal rage when I can hear my neighbor's television
Or the sound of kids running around in the apartment above me
Or when the fluorescent light in my kitchen buzzes
Or loud cars driving by
Or people talking in the hallway
Or when another person walks into the public bathroom that I initially had to myself
Or when classmates want me to tutor them and they're slow to grasp concepts
It explains why having a lab partner is literally the worst thing that could happen to me ever
-A, because I don't want to have a partner
-B, because they are probably just taking this class because they *have to* and won't do it right
Why the amount of pressure applied by my clenching fists is in direct proportion to how many strangers are around me and how close they are to me

As well as some things that even with a diagnosis backing me up, I could still never bring myself to admit to people I know, such as:
There's seriously no one on this planet that I couldn't live without, even family members (though I do care about them, I could get by without them pretty easily if I had to)
I've never felt attached to anyone in my family, including either parent or my brother
I don't like most people
I was relieved when my dad died last year even though he was probably the sweetest, kindest person ever because his mother had died a couple months before and I was concerned that he would be lonely without her around and didn't know how to comfort him. We believe he was autistic and also had learning disabilities, but he was never the type to go to a doctor. For anything. Until it was too late. **Don't get me wrong, I actually feel pretty guilty about this stuff**

I could go on, but I guess I won't. I guess I just wanted to share with someone out there. I brought it up with my mom today. She is probably one of the most emotionally reactive people I've ever met, and she lives in her own alternate reality where she won the award for being the most loving, attentive mother. So in her mind, me saying "I might have Asperger's" translates into "You never actually knew me" (which she didn't), which ultimately translates into "You failed as a mother." So..... she's not speaking to me right now.

Anywho, I guess I don't know if I need to pursue a diagnosis or go any farther with it (other than obsessively researching, of course). I'm 35 now, so I don't know what could be done other than having a doctor-endorsed explanation for the fact that I'm a social infant.

Welcome! Good luck with your future, whether that includes a diagnosis or not.

I had a recent diagnoses to and not sure how I feel about pursuing this further or seeking some kind of therapy. I felt like I've been borderline and the diagnoses confirmed that.

I guess I hope that just knowing this can help me understand my abilities and limitations when it comes to holding a job.

Have you had problems in the past holding a job?

I did manage to hold one job close to 9 years, but it was running a control room on the night shift alone and socially isolated. I wound up getting fired because I quit doing left over work from day shift and I was burned out on the job.

Since then, I've had a hard time getting back on my feet and wound up staying with my parents. I've tried other jobs in retail and one warehouse job that only lasted 2 days. I seriously wonder if I have some audio processing disorder as well. I can't understand anything in in certain noisy environments or half of what people say on Intercom Speakers or CB radios.

Now I'm truck driving and I managing almost 2 months with it working alone.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I always hated having lab partners also.

I believe you're one of us.

It appears extreme introversion/hermitism/reclusiveness are a pretty good indicator of HFA. I can speak from experience that this is true for me. I guess the main thing is to be comfortable in your own skin; as a whole, most of society is not OK with us. I wish you success in life whether you choose to seek a diagnosis or not.

I find that I need two things to be satisfied with a job. I need autonomy (which you had on your night shift job) but I also need to feel mentally engaged (which apparently you didn't feel with your job). I've been a court reporter for 12 years. I have a ton of autonomy, and not really very much interaction, which I like.... but it's intolerably boring!! !! I daydream about jumping off of bridges! But now I'm doing a double major in medical laboratory science and microbiology with a minor in chemistry, so I'm hoping a laboratory setting will hold both autonomy and mental engagement (I'm assuming labs are full of people who want to be left to their work the same as me).

How are you liking truck driving? I actually think I could deal with that since I love listening to audiobooks on the road! You can find tons of lecture series on Audible!

In the interest of not being misleading, I don't know that I could claim to be a recluse or a hermit. I have a couple of acquaintance girlfriends that invite me to group activities about once every 1-2 months, though I feel deep down I'm sort of a charity case for them. I'm usually glad to go, but come home exhausted and feeling like I acted "conspicuous", but that doesn't seem to stop me from coming out again the next time they ask. We're all into MBTI, so we kind of have that in common. When I say I have no *real* friends, I mean that literally, but not in the sense that I don't associate with anyone at all.

But you are right on target with extreme introversion (though I might be playing semantics with my own subjective definition of "extreme") in the sense that I overwhelmingly prefer to be alone outside of work, class, and the few occasions when I attend a get together with the two female acquaintances.

I'm able to deal with it if I can find things like Audio Books or Music to pass the time and somewhat alleviate the boredom.

I'm not really a fan of the 'lifestyle' of living on the road, so I'm hoping after I get more experience I can find something more local. There is a type of trucking called Linehaul where you just run trailers between terminals and are generally home everyday.

The strange thing is I have a 2 year degree in computer security, but I live in a tiny town without the financial means to move to a big city where those kinds of jobs are. I might try dabbling in computer programming on the side when I have time to try and get a better job that way.

I'm making an assumption here that you are in the U.S., so this may end up not applying to you. I would suggest searching job listings on your county HR website. County departments (at least where I am) usually always have listings for computer-related positions. They also tend to pay pretty decent, offer benefits and might possibly pay for further education (like a 4 year) and/or extra certs.