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I'm Tim. I'm 18 (19 in june), male. I was diagnosed with level 1 autism at around the age of 5 and a second time at the age of 13 (along with depression and emotional disability (I also have displayed some BPD traits starting a few years after that)).

My overall experience with autism is quite asymmetrical.
I am very good at masking and understanding NT gimmicks.
I however do deal with a considerable amount of rigidity. This applies on a long-term basis with regards to adversion to change, a short-term basis with regards to frustration with context-switching, and on a micro-scale with regards to thought processes.
I also struggle greatly with executive dysfunction. I struggle with procedural learning, and with triangulating what someone is pointing at when giving me instructions.
I have some sensory issues but not as much as other people have it. Heightened under stress.

I'm considering engaging within this server as I have a critical lack of social interaction or connection. I have spent the last couple years alone in my room 99% of the time, on my pc or phone. I have no friends and my whole family except for my mom lives thousands of miles away from me. I used to have a bit of interaction online in certain discord servers and a bit in reddit but left because of conflict I won't go into. I hadn't had any interaction since then in months as I view every single interaction as a matter of strict risk-benefit analysis (Like "this post has a low but possible chance of having a nasty reply from a user, therefore don't send it") and just overall deep self-loathing and feeling like my messages are all a facsimile of what a person would say and I didn't get permission to be a person.

I won't go into my life history in this post (but might add context if I am replying). I do kinda experience "Oh my experiences weren't as bad as others" syndrome, though I still came out being a dysfunctional "thing" at the end so something must've happened.

My current interest/passion for the last couple years has been pretty much just in music, but within that it's somewhat broad of an interest, ranging from music theory (with a touch of classical music history), production, sound design & engineering.
I had other interests earlier but abandoned them out of association with conflict with other people within the communities of those interests, which is why I don't talk to anyone about music in an attempt to protect the interest.
I'm struggling to really do much of it in a day, I usually only have the energy for a few hours and then I spend the rest of the day doing nothing partially because I am reaching the point where its harder to find more relevant and consumable educational content on youtube regarding music, and partially because of executive dysfunction.

After inspecting and averaging out other people's posts introducing themselves I realize that the mannerism, tone, and length of my post doesn't really suit with the function of introducing myself, but that in itself is a description of how I am. My messages usually seem to regress into essays. If this was a forum for the general population I would have made the effort to mask and limit my post length more, although I still have removed a ton of info from this post, my brain forgets the big picture of the post and starts going on sub-topics as if it was a different discussion board.
With regards to the tone of the post, well I just don't have much lighthearted things to say. Most of my day is spent stuck in the default mode network part of my brain, just thinking about my mental condition, my thoughts and feelings, my past and future, getting worked up over how autistic people are treated making me want to hide in a corner.

Reading this message now my brain is going "what am I doing" but it does that every single time I decide to send a message to someone or express any take on things, I always have this mental ambivalence pushing me back and forth so that I may never take action and if I do then it feels impulsive and foolish even if it may be a rational decision. I just have to like force myself to make this post in spite of how I feel. This reminds me of how in the beginning of school years we all had assignments where we wrote things about ourselves so that we could get to know other students and the teacher learned about us, and I would barely write anything casual and would just mope about myself. Maybe when I actually get to engaging with other post boards I'll have more casual and specific things to talk about. I'm dreading reading the replies to this message even though I know it'll be fine I still have to work to convince myself to read them.

I considered posting this in The Haven but I felt like it would supersede the point of this message which is to be an introduction, plus I didn't really go into the stuff that would warrant me posting there, rather I just have a sort of sour tone to this post which may be jarring to one who goes through the posts in this board elated to greet people.

I also realize I spent half of the post talking about the nature of the post. I would consider putting me talking about the nature of the post under a spoiler tag to decrease the size of the read and to lighten it up, but that would sort of make the meta-analysis of the post feel like a parody of itself. I do recognize that the meta-analysis of the post does happen to add to the information about me in an indirect way.

Welcome to WP from a fellow Tim!

Welcome aboard Tim. I hope you enjoy your stay.
I noticed in your first post that much of your view is from a negative perspective.
I might point out that Aspies are different than normal people. We have plus and minuses like others but ours tend to be to the extremes. So a good approach is to know what they are and use your plus to overcome your minuses.

"I'm considering engaging within this server as I have a critical lack of social interaction or connection. I have spent the last couple years alone in my room 99% of the time, on my pc or phone."

This sounds like a good idea. When I was growing up, I made a few friends. They were probably Aspies and we connected rather easily. I came from the old days when Aspies were not known or identified. We were just strange types of kids growing up in a strange world. These friendships stay with you for you whole life.

Perhaps one point I should make is that you are a person and as such you have been given certain inalienable rights to be that person.

"I may never take action and if I do then it feels impulsive and foolish even if it may be a rational decision. I just have to like force myself to make this post in spite of how I feel."

Oh, that would be a waste. One thing I found about life, is that if I have a thought about doing something, it was generally a good thought and it was really important to follow through.

If music is your inner calling, then music it is. Music is all over the world, and in many ways. There is music in the school plays. There is music in the churches. I have even walked the downtown streets of San Francisco and seen people sitting along the sidewalks, alone, playing pieces of music, collecting small tips. It is a vibrant field but generally you need one other person, someone to hear your music.

I guess if I had anything else to say it is this. LIFE IS SHORT. MAKE IT COUNT. LIVE GREAT ADVENTURES IN YOUR LIFE. LISTEN TO YOUR SOUL.

Welcome to WP! I hope you find some relief from everything else here.

And I'll give simple advice: Keep going forward as best you can. It might not be pleasant but it is the only way to get to somewhere else.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome, Tim! ...and a hearty "Wow!" to the advice/replies so far. I just joined myself and still trying to get up to speed on social media (and computers). I gave society the bird 25 years ago and kind of regret it and kind of don't. I can mask only for very brief periods of time (going into town for supplies, really). Go with the music! I'm trying to learn to play guitar myself as it sounds cool, but the guitar and book are still just sitting there. One thing at a time.

Thank you jimmy m and double retired for your perspectives.

Yeah music is the kind of thing where my interest in it slowly grew over time. Other things may suddenly occupy my attention and remain there for a month or so, but music lasts for years.

Hey Tim! Welcome, mate!

Lets connect by nerdying over music, shall we? I'm sending you a PM.

Cheers!

Welcome Tim! Autism = asymmetrical that leaped out at me! Its true, its all about uneven neurological development. You are definitely not alone!
Glad you are with us.

Welcome to Wrong Planet. I am glad you are here.

I also like music. Although I played violin and piano as a child, more recently I have been working on teaching myself to pick a five string open back banjo.

Hmm, I guess you didn't notice the following in Permutative's post?

Hi, Permutative!

Regarding your remarks about your writing style, we have a wide variety of writing styles here on WP. So you needn't worry too much about fitting in here.

Yikes! You certainly have the right to protect your interest in music by avoiding conversation about it, but I'm very sorry to hear that you feel a need to do so, given that conversation about shared interests is one of the best ways of making friends, especially among autistic people.

I too have had some experiences of a strong interest of mine being ruined by conflict with some people who shared the interest. But, in my case, this effect usually was only temporary, and the interest returned a few years later.

Of course, I can't conclude that the same would necessarily be true for you. We're all different.

In any case, welcome to Wrong Planet!

Actually I did have a chat with him in PM. I felt fine doing so, mainly what I avoid is like certain communites. Functionally that meant I pretty much didn't talk to anyone about music, but I'm still open to it, although I would usually let the other person carry the conversation and just add my insights.



The main problem, a similar problem I have, is my adversion to share my music with people, even close people like family members. I'm just too attached to it I guess. Doesn't help that I'm bad at finishing projects.

I'm glad to hear that you can still enjoy talking about music to at least some people under some circumstances.


Perhaps due to fear of them making negative judgments about your music?

Yeah I mean it's sort of my "inner world" that i just have walled off, a large part of it is fear of rejection or disguist of the music, but even if I could tell the future and know the response would be positive, I would still be very shy about sharing it. (Heck it took 10 months after a friend really wanted to hear my music for me to muster up something for him)

I know it's for the best eventually and I could contribute something new to the music world, but first I need to start finishing my projects and not give up after making 20 seconds of a song

I tend to focus on details and mess and experiment with a short bit of a song and then change and change and change it for weeks until I can't stomach it. It's incredibly hard for me to add and integrate new sections into the song