My mom has Aspergers

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Hello everyone,

I am 32 female currently finishing up at American University. I study psychology and I'm seriously interested in meeting other children of parents with Aspergers. My mom is high functioning in a work environment but low spectrum when it comes to sociability ie. touching, warmth, social tack in dealing with variability, and temper tantrums when things didn't follow her way. She also has some motor impairments/fears that make in impossible for her drive, and complete lack of social tacks.. in fact before I found out the truth every shrink I saw (which started at the age of 10, said wow does your mom have Autism, or some kind of a disorder.... I didn't even know what that meant at the time..I was also almost taken away by CPS for neglect when I was 12, but on the pleas of my sister I lied about what everything that was going on in my house. Growing up I seriously thought she hated me and that feeling led me to make some really poor decisions. I love my mother, I truly do and nothing gets me more fascinated then seeing her play jeopardy ( I always wanted her to go on the show but she is afraid of the crowds and isn't good at eye hand coordination), however, she is also brilliant when it comes to cross word puzzles. She also tried to show me praise by taking me shopping, granted at the time I couldn't really appreciate it. As an adult I am now able to put things in perspective, I see the way my mother treats other people and by comparison I get treated a little better.. it is just the way she shows love. However, of course my sister is favored far more then I am.. but that's neither here or there.

However, growing up with her was hard. Recently I was looking at study that related a lack of Parental warmth with high rates pf Childhood Delinquency. While I acted out, my issues dealt more with depression which turned into an OCD issue. I think a lot of it has to do with my mom always criticizing everything I did, and also some of the horrible things she said to me when I really needed a parent... her quasi-half bs attempts at hugging also built some serious resentments. With therapy, the compassion of my sister and finding friends to be my alternative family, I am now able to have a complete life. However, I am certain I am not alone in this... (and while my therapists have always said that I have incredible resiliency (because of her lack of protection from environmental threats, and her general lack of compassion) I still wonder how others survived?

I know when I was in my teens I started to understand that my mom was different, and it wasn't until I was older that I found out what was really up with her. Did you have the same problems and did you feel better or worse from finding out?

Do you think you really need your parent to be there for you, or do you think you are more resilient compared to others because you survived your parent?

Did you also form stuff like OCD, or other disorders and did you gain access to help as a child?

Do you see your parent now? ( I rarely see my mom, and usually avoid phone conversations.. I feel bad about it, but even as an adult I can only take so much)

None of this will be used in research I am just trying to understand me, and the problem, and wondering if this whole issue of parental warm is really linked to quality of life for the child. I am doing really well now, I have a domestic boyfriend of 7 years, no kids yet and probably won't get married..but I have a loving home.. and while I avoid my mom, I don't resent her anymore which has helped me in the long run.

This was bothering me, so I'll just say it now: It's spelled Asperger's.

It does seem like she probably does have a spectrum disorder, but that might not be her only issue. That's my opinion, anyway.

I assumed it was a typo.

She spelled it that way more than once. It's not a big deal, my grammar/spelling Nazi instincts were kicking in.

Oh, and your mother sounds like she may have other issues not related to the spectrum OP. I forgot to say welcome, so welcome!

Oh, how rude of me, same here!

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I can relate, welcome to WP

I've edited her post to correct the errors. It is one of those little things that annoys me when people put a 'b' in there. Could have been worse... anyone spelling it ass-burgers gets banned!

That aside; welcome to WP

Welkome to WP

Mick

I am not the child of a parent with AS. Both of my parents are NT, though not without their own issues. Nor do I have a child. However I've looked after younger family members to the extent that I served a profound parental role in their lives, and much to the surprise of many, I'm rather good with children because I understand their needs.

I do not believe OCD is caused by upbringing and this is backed up by extremely high twin concordance rates of twins raised apart. If you have actual OCD, you likely would have developed it anyway. Stress, however, can make OCD worse, and possibly serve as a trigger.

Concerning your mother and physical affection, people on the spectrum often have hypersensitivity issues which may cause them to seek out certain physical stimulus or avoid it. Additionally, a person might avoid physical affection because they do not understand or cannot identify when it's appropriate to initiate it, and how. This might be compounded with any coordination issues or dysplaxia your mother has. What is a simple gesture to you might actually take a great deal of coordinating for her. Personally I've always found hugging a little awkward to very awkward, and never particularly liked to be touched. Nor did I realize how important it is for others, when I was younger. After all, why would I think to do something to someone else, which is somewhat awkward, uncomfortable, and fairly alien to me?

Concerning criticism, often times criticism is given with good intent that was delivered in a less than ideal manner. I've come to realize that its actually quite an art to be able to advise an individual without sounding critical.

Observe: "I don't want you running around that town after dark!" vs. "I know you're cautious but it worries me when you're out after dark because someone could easily over power you, and I'd prefer you stay inside or have a friend with you if you're going to go out."

I do understand that you're seeking the support of someone who has had similar experiences to your own, and that is perfectly natural. Regardless though, once a person is an adult, I think it's important to forgive one's parents for whatever one holds against them, and accept that they are no different than anyone else in that they have their own shortcomings and are not perfect people.

Sorry this is long.. there was just so much to reply to.

I am so sorry for my frustrated typing. I sincerely didn't mean and harm and will make sure never to correct this. Honestly I don't even know how it came up being written this way.


"I am not the child of a parent with AS. Both of my parents are NT, though not without their own issues. Nor do I have a child. However I've looked after younger family members to the extent that I served a profound parental role in their lives, and much to the surprise of many, I'm rather good with children because I understand their needs."

I think that is awesome and amazing! And its important for kids to have a friend. I also work with children as well and once a year I work on a therapeutic Horse Ranch in Texas. Its really important! Especially, if you with AS ( I am assuming) can relate. My mother always provided me with basic needs but simply couldn't give me parental warmth, because she lacked this ability.

"I do not believe OCD is caused by upbringing and this is backed up by extremely high twin concordance rates of twins raised apart. If you have actual OCD, you likely would have developed it anyway. Stress, however, can make OCD worse, and possibly serve as a trigger."

My OCD is strongly linked to PTSD. I built coping mechanisms as a kid and eventually these coping mechanisms became superstitious and compulsive habits. Its hard to really diagnosis someone's problems online without knowing the full scope, but I get what you are saying. Likewise, it is hard talking about my mom without her being present.

"Concerning your mother and physical affection, people on the spectrum often have hypersensitivity issues which may cause them to seek out certain physical stimulus or avoid it. Additionally, a person might avoid physical affection because they do not understand or cannot identify when it's appropriate to initiate it, and how. This might be compounded with any coordination issues or dysplaxia your mother has. What is a simple gesture to you might actually take a great deal of coordinating for her. Personally I've always found hugging a little awkward to very awkward, and never particularly liked to be touched. Nor did I realize how important it is for others, when I was younger. After all, why would I think to do something to someone else, which is somewhat awkward, uncomfortable, and fairly alien to me?"

I get that but she is my mom, and this is critical for her role as a parent in early childhood development. In fact its one of the things that negate neurotic behaviors, of course it doesn't mean that behavior is avoided if its present. However, lacks in parental warmth can cause a slue of problems, and there is a massive amount of data correlating development and warmth.

I doubt my mother has dysplaxia, she can pick up and fold laundry just fine. However, she has coordination problems, as she is unable to drive. However, her hugs are interesting, she will put her head on my shoulder, extend her body outward, and give me a pat on the back, Its not a full embrace that would sees when looking at typical parent-child embraces. Growing up I was often paranoid that I smelled bad which is why she touched me this way. In addition, when I started getting real embraces from other people I started realizing that it was not me, but my mom. She is like this everyone.

"Concerning criticism, often times criticism is given with good intent that was delivered in a less than ideal manner. I've come to realize that its actually quite an art to be able to advise an individual without sounding critical."
Observe: "I don't want you running around that town after dark!" vs. "I know you're cautious but it worries me when you're out after dark because someone could easily over power you, and I'd prefer you stay inside or have a friend with you if you're going to go out."

I think that's awesome that you have been able to do this! I know its a hard thing to do and I really applaud you. My mom also has noticed this. It was awkward for her at her fathers funeral and while everyone was crying, all she could say was “yup that's sad.” However, I was proud of her, she as able to give my aunt a touch on the back while she was sobbing.
My mom's criticism comes at inappropriate times so it is not just, how she said it, but also frequency. For example, when I was nine I built a model of solar powered windmill and won our science fair (pretty cool right). However, all my mom could do was focus on the grass, saying, how it did not look right, which totally negated the fact that I had just won the science fair at my school. This is typical stuff for mom, and there was a lot of times, when I would think if it was at all necessary.


"I do understand that you're seeking the support of someone who has had similar experiences to your own, and that is perfectly natural. Regardless though, once a person is an adult, I think it's important to forgive one's parents for whatever one holds against them, and accept that they are no different than anyone else in that they have their own shortcomings and are not perfect people."

I actually have somewhat. I will honestly say I do not spend much time with mom now, and I avoid talking to her. I know its wrong, but she really does not reach out to me so it is okay. I have been able to build a great life for myself, and while I would like my mom to play a part in it, it is not necessary for me because as a kid I start building alternative families through friendships. Therefore, I am not blaming my mother for my shortcomings. I am in fact not even blaming her for my OCD. It is just something that happened because of the situation not her. However, I felt I needed to bring up in order to get support, and start support and I wanted to see how many other kids of parents with AS were diagnosed with such, or other things, or maybe nothing at all. Which really the ones I would like to talk to are the nothing at all group to see what they did.


In addition, I should note that I am fascinated with mom. For example, I read a study done by Happe that stated those with AS do not see optical illusions. Naturally, I had to see if this was the case with mom, and in a way, it brought us closer. I think its cool her brain just automatically corrects for visual errors that fool most people. I also do not mind driving her around because she does not drive. Therefore, when she needs anything I am there. I also like to shower her with gifts.. I don't know if its because she would forget me during Christmas or because that is how she used to show affection, or simply because I like to see her smile ...either way I think about her a lot even though I am not hanging out with her.

I really appreciate her in so many ways and look at her as amazing human being. I mean really how can you not love someone who tells you that they knew Chopin was Polish because she recalled reading it when she was six. To me that is amazing!! ! I really want to understand what its like to be my mom, so thank you so much for your responses!! ! And I hope that now that I have been able to redefine her emotional range, I can start that process and hopefully start the process of really being apart of true support for children of parents with AS. There is a lot for NT parents, but not so much for NT kids.

Don't worry about the misspelling, it happens a lot.

It would be interesting if your mom could get checked out. It would probably benefit both you and her if you knew what was going on inside her head.

Wow, thank you so much for posting this! I recently discovered that I myself most likely have AS, but I've been wondering if maybe my mother was the one who passed it down to me. Your description of your mother sounds exactly like mine. My mother always blamed all of her issues on child abuse that she endured, but now that I think about it, the child abuse that she describes having lived through makes me wonder if perhaps HER mother was autistic as well *head spins*.

I don't speak to my mother much now days either, and I believe that she has learned to cope with her social short comings by becoming narcissistic (a lot of people would disagree with that possibility...they haven't met my mother though). This just makes her even more difficult to deal with.

I've been strongly considering the idea of talking to her about this though. I'm not sure if it might help us to come to some kind of an understanding, which might help me to lead a more peaceful life from this point forward.

I'd love to hear more about your experiences if you wanted to share.

I tried talking to my mother about it, but she ended in tears and persuaded me that I was trying to change who she is... Now I just avoid her at all cost. I too have come to realize her narcissistic traits.

Hey Nikeagogo,
I didn't have that issue, but my wife did, and in some ways very similiar to your own. She found it a very painful and long process to understand and come to terms with, and it had a profound effect on her emotional development. It was only later when she experienced emotional/mental difficulties herself and gained wide experience with others with those type of problems that she came to see her mom thru a clearer and human light. There are many ways to grow up but I would not consider a emotionally distant parent as an advantage. Just looking at it in a scientific light and using primates as a more easy to visualize illustration, I think the predominant opinion is that the individuals benefit in the widest sense from nurturing. It may have something to do with the length of time it takes people to develop, which is the longest of any species on earth. It is not that you can't manage without it, but that it is like an additional set of difficulties to overcome and no one needs any more then life already provides.

I was wondering if anyone knows of any resources for daughters (or children in general, otherwise) of autistic mothers. There's a website for daughters of narcissistic mothers, which has helped me a little bit when it comes to healing from having an emotionally absent mother, but the general view of the mothers on the site is that they are abusive, and it focuses on healing from abuse. While I do feel that my mother was abusive and neglectful, I would rather approach the healing process with the mindset that my mother honestly didn't mean to harm me. I am beginning to believe more and more that my mother is autistic, and that autism has laid the foundation for the rest of her problems.

I see that the OP is probably in the same boat that I am, and I would absolutely love to connect with others who also are. People who are sympathetic to their mothers limitations, but are also trying to find ways to heal from not really having a true maternal figure in their life.

I'm also terrified because I myself am now a mother, and I see that I have [most likely, if my theory is right] inherited the same autistic traits that my mother has. I feel a determination to overcome these issues so that I do not put my son through the same psychological torment that I went through as a child, but I also feel like I need behavioral therapy and a great deal of guidance to help me to actually do that. Unfortunately, there are no services in my area that offer what I need. I am looking to relocate for this reason, among many other reasons.