Hi,
I've been posting for a week or two, but never really introduced myself.
I am in my mid 30s and was diagnosed about three weeks ago with high functioning autism.... though I like the term Aspie so I think I will use that. I am married with two boys, 4 and 1. The older one shows many signs of HFA, but the neuropsychologist said he doesn't diagnose at age 3, which is when he was evaluated. It's a funny story in retrospect because when my son was evaluated, the neuropsychologist wanted to speak to each of us [parents] individually, and the first question he asked was if I have any medical conditions or mental disorders. I literally laughed and said "nothing formally diagnosed" and had to elaborate that I always felt different and socially behind / awkward, and had never had a conversation with a mental health professional in my life. I guess I've always known I have something, but never was able to figure it out until recently.
So some things about myself: I am an engineer in the robotics industry. I like startup companies, because there are very few people and I can work on a variety of things and learn a ton, and feel like I have a huge piece of ownership in the product. Over time the company I worked for became quite large, and I found myself feeling more and more dissatisfied working there. I eventually worked in program management which required a lot of interaction, and it was absolutely miserable. I was really burnt out and just shutting down mentally. I felt hugely fatigued, and at various times I suspected I must have one of a dozen medical conditions that must explain my newly-nonfunctioning brain. I even suspected brain cancer at some point. Many days I would have to drive somewhere in between meetings to an abandoned parking lot and just close my eyes for an hour. I can't even believe what I put myself through and I had no clue this was probably due to autism. Damn was I persistent to try and succeed at something that I was so terribly ill-suited for.
I did succeed at my job for the most part, but I had to quit. I joined another startup after a few months, but we had our first kid around the same time, and I never really got into the swing of things there. I was still burnt out and now physically drained from lousy sleep and all the responsibilities of caring for an infant. I left the startup after a year or so and decided to just try contracting for a while. This is when I discovered I literally could not focus on work for more than about 10 hours per week. Just absolutely couldn't focus on anything unless it was something that interested me deeply. I think I probably got really depressed that I now couldn't seem to even be capable of having a full time job if I wanted one, but at the same time at least I had a lot of time to myself while my wife was at work and kid in daycare to somewhat recover from the burnout. The last few years have largely been a mixture of contracting work (of limited success and income) and spending huge chunks of times learning about my child's developmental challenges.
Fast forward to 2018, and I was diagnosed with ADHD. Medication has helped focus on work projects immensely. However all my social issues growing up and difficulty making friends was not explained by ADHD, and given my son's challenges, I became pretty sure I had ASD and got formally diagnosed for that as well. This past week I've really started to come to terms with the diagnosis. I'm confident it is a fit. I'm looking back and it's astonishing the things that I struggled with and that I still tried so hard to persevere and become a neurotypical.
I'm currently overseas in Asia on a 1+ month trip to my in-laws house, who insist on packing every day full of travel and activities and socialization. I am beyond drained, and trying to survive day-to-day. I have had meltdowns that I've posted about in other threads.
That's probably enough for now. I'm really happy to have found this forum, which has already been very helpful for me.
16 Dec 2018, 9:22 am
