Good Evening.
I came here to your community because I thought I has Asperger's, but I thin it may be something deeper that only masquerades as Asperger's.
I am deeply depressed and always have been even as a child.
the primary injuries I have received are:
1.
my mother had a psychotic break when I was a toddler and basically tried to beat me to death. my father staged a car accident to explain why my whole head was black and blue and the missing and broken teeth.
she did not want a child but my father was a catholic and would not allow an abortion. I was born when he was 50.
he did this because he was a lonely man and at 50 he married for the first time. he loved her without reservation.
they would have jailed her and who knows what hellish foster home i would have wound up in.
she went out and promptly played the bars and cheated on him with a drunken truck driver. she broke his heart.
they divorced. when i was 5. the judge awarded her a staggering alimony in the amount of one dollar a year.
he got custody of me on weekends the other 5 days i lived with them he was an angry nasty drunk and treated like a red headed stepson-belittling,mocking me, always shouting angrily . i lived in fear of them, careful to be very quiet lest i attract their attention.
however, my saving asset was that i was a brilliant child in some ways, with an inherent skill with machines.
f.i. a watch-smith friend of my fathers gave me an alarm clock full of pretty brass gears. i took it entirely apart and discovered tat he gears made excellent tiny tops.
then to their apparent amazement i reassembled the clock correctly and did not lose a single screw. the only error is i wrecked the delicate balance spring. i liked this because the clock would tick very rapidly with an interesting clickety-clack sound.
when asked how i knew how to reassemble it, i said "it can only go together in one way." which is true.
my father had no toys at his lonely little apartment, but he had many tools including watchmaking tools,micrometers, tiny taps and screws and the like. and a lathe. these were my toys.
i obsessively built many kinds of electric motors as a young child. it was my passion.
my drunken idiot "parents" moved at least every six months so i never had time to develop friendships of any depth, and my mother hated them and drove them away. also because they wouldn't make the rent.
the reason for this is my stepdad, a perpetual alky, would get drunk on the job and get fired. he would come home and declared he quit and busted the boss "right in the snot-locker", a favorite expression of his, often directed as a threat to me.
eventually he became an independent truck driver and they would go out on the road for months at a time. they were essentially roaming vagabonds. they would palm me off on relatives at such times.
I was essentially unwanted baggage. no love at all from the spawner, (i cant think of her as a mother), she was cool and distant. she never hugged or expressed love, only bitter poison milk from her shriveled breasts. after all, she had intended i be discarded as a piece of unwanted tissue, like a tumor. i was an inconvenience for her lifestyle.
he never hit me, as my father was a genuine old old scholl ganster running booze at the tail end of prohibition, robbed banks in the thirtys until he got shot twice during a job and jailed.
they let him out when world 2 started because he was a skilled mechanic and he joined the army as a motor pool fixer guy.
then he started a gunsmithing business to cover his side business of smuggling guns to the irish. a limey hating catholic man o' the green to the bone. I never heard him raise his voice to anyone. he didnt need to. they knew the likes of the boys he was mobbed up with.
the amputation of the self from the mother from the beating damaged my mind/ worldview in a terrible way.
I obsessively read and learned, an encyclopedia on one side and a good entomological dictionary on the other.
each time i encountered a new word i looked it up and knew it. presently i no longer needed the dictionary.
i seemed to see the world at second remove as though on a tv screen or through a window. I think this was defensive against the horror most of what i do in one way or another is to distract from the horror of this nasty empty world.
which brings us to 2:
a favorite relative they left me with as they wandered was my half brother, though the word brother makes me gag.
he too was a perpetual dawn to dusk boozer, and he was a sociopath. he fixed me up with a slut borderline ret*d which in my emotional starvation i fell completely in love with.in love with.
he sadistically tortured me by stealing her and f*****g her openly, boasting of it, flaunting it, i could not understand how my own kin could do this, much later i realized he was a simple sociopath with a taste for sadism.
onnce i was tasked to drive them home in his crappy 68 mustang. i drove as he f****d her in the back seat. i could smell her c**t.
when we got home, i collapsed to the ground in tears unable to stand. he just told me to "straighten up and fly right, an expression that drives me to rage to this day.
mind you ,this man ha a wife and family and f****d her at night in the room next to mine for two years. i of course was meant to hear. he was a sadistic rutting immoral pig of a featherless biped.
by the time i was twenty i felt like an old man ready to die.
every day i ask myself, hell every hour why i didnt wrap that car around a lamppost and send them both, torn and mangled, thru the windows into the street. because he systematically dominated and crushed me down so i felt so worthless and powerless...
there were many other sadistic "pranks" he used to torment me in a similar vein.
he ruined me and ruined my life and fed like a vampire on my pain.
I have fought the deathwish for most of my adult life. I regret not murdering him. i had every right.
I have never had a relationship, or girlfriend and with 2 exceptions i have slept in a cold empty bed every day of my life. i fear women deeply. and trust no one.
I am old now, 62 most of my crappy cold empty little life is gone now without much left. i do not expect to live much longer but i have felt that way all of my life.
It hurts me to be alive, every minute.
i gotta stop now, getting weepy, which is dangerous.
time for a very non-pc sexist, racist haiku. my sardonic and bitter humor, or humour as the brits say is a shield against pain.
wrong planet sez you?
evil godless merciless freezing cold hell planet sez i.
here it is.
sexist, racist, mocks the ret*d, and tastefully obscene.
So fuckem.
Bastards with their families and warm beds to come home to. must be nice but i wouldn't know.
Dim Chinese maiden
finds tampon in her teacup.
Where has teabag gone?
gottaa try to sleep now.
and hope the dry dreams don't come. they can wreck my mood for a week.
jifmam j. jasond
AKA Ferdnand Feghoot.
5-2-19
01 May 2019, 8:56 pm
welcome to our club. 
