Introduction to my life.

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Hey everyone, my name is Magnus, im an 18 year old student from Estonia. I was diagnosed with Asperger's a couple years back, knowing that i have this condition didnt change much for me, i already knew that i was different. My story begins from all the way back in 2007 when i got my first prescription glasses, my eyesight started failing, no one really knows why, its just getting worse every year. Naturally, my schoolmates didnt like "nerds" so the first 5 years of school i got heavily bullied for the glasses and my "nerdy" look. It was always this one kid who didnt leave me alone, it got to the point where i threatened him basically daily that im going to slice his neck or something along those lines. My parents had to buy like 3 pairs of glasses because i got into fights all the time with that kid. Anyway, fastforward to today and i am totally broken, mentally speaking. My grandma passed away a couple months ago, just one morning, i got woken up by her calling for me from the other room, said she fell and couldnt get up. While helping her up she started breathing veryvery weird, but it stopped, i brought her a chair so she could rest. Me, not knowing anything about death, just thought that maybe shes just tired or something, i sat by her for like 5-10 minutes? just being there for comfort. So an hour goes by and she hasnt moved, thought that maybe she fell asleep (i know, i know im really f*****g stupid), then my mom came home, looked at grandma, checked her pulse, then she turns to me and says "Magnus, shes dead..", i just collapsed onto the floor and started crying hysterically, thinking to myself "what the f**k did i just do? why did i not check on her?". That image still haunts me to this day, her sitting by her bed, not making a sound.. Then like a month back, my girlfriend broke up with me, just out of the blue, couldnt even respond to her because she blocked me everywhere. That girl was really someone with who i could be myself, i smashed the footrest on my desk because i was just so furious, kept thinking "why me?". And just a couple days back, we went to my grandpa's birthday with the whole family. It was like a 45 minute drive there. My parents wanted to swing by the store so i said "bring me water please". They came back from the store with carbonated water (i hate it, tastes like tv static), so i made a little fuss about it, but after like 5 minutes, just totally randomly, i started crying. And now, here i am, just finished talking to my mom, ranted to her about this world not being for me (not suicidal), how im not gonna make in this world because my memory is really short about the things that i NEED to know and how im a major f**kup. Anyway, im really confused about myself and im really trying to understand this world, my thoughts are all very confusing, going to the point where i just cant even reply to someone just because i dont know what to say to them. Anyway, i know that this text may sound really confusing and it is, i just dont understand how to put these emotions into words. Why am i even ranting about this? What do i have to do to get my life back in order? Ask me anything, i will reply to you.

Welcome to Wrong Planet. There is something very important I want to tell you. It is not your fault that your grandmother died. There is a time when God calls us. We do not understand it. It is more then we can understand.

I am glad you are here on this site and I look forward to reading what you have to say. Feel free to type and enjoy.

Thanks for the warm welcome. I have been told that quite multiple times now, yes, but its like a part of me just wont accept that fact. Its almost as if like i have a bipolar disorder (im really not the type of person to self-diagnose themselves but looking at the symptoms, it may very well be that.), it really is like that "angel/devil sitting on shoulders", one part of me completely understands that she just passed away of old age but the other part just wont accept the fact, i keep having these kind of thought loops at night before i go to sleep, just that image of her keeps flashing in my eyes. My parents have thought about us going to the therapist/psychologist again but they never really seem to help or i just havent found someone who understands me. It is really hard to try to keep my sanity under control. Should i go on the pills?

Hi Magnus Welcome to wrong planet.

I agree with Mountain Goat. That was a really sh*tty thing for you to have to experience, but your gramma dying wasn’t your fault. How could you know she was so unwell or hurt by the fall. You sat with her for that time meaning to comfort her. I don’t think you’re not stupid, you've clearly been tramatised but what happened and if anything deserve peoples compassion, including your own.

My questions is:

“Does anyone including yourself blame you for what happened?”

Hey Felix, no, no one is blaming me but me myself. I now have scheduled a psychologist appointment for myself. I have previously went to about 4-5 different psychologists but they never helped me, its like they cant relate to me.

Welcome to Wrong Planet! In general Aspies (those with Asperger's Syndrome) experience quite a bit of stress. It should almost be our middle name. When a person experiences too much stress it leads to distress. When your grandmother died it produced trauma for you. When your girlfriend ended your relationship, it also produced more stress. Crying is one of the ways stress is relieved. If you can learn good techniques for shedding stress, then some of the distress you are currently feeling will melt away.

There are a couple books I will recommend. They are:
In an Unspoken Voice by Peter A. Levine
The Revolutionary Trauma Release Process by David Berceli

magnus, there are others here who are also bipolar, you will find common ground here. and i am VERY IMPRESSED with your english skills

Wow. That was a lot of stress. None of it was your fault. I know right now it all feels like a big confusion of emotions. But I want to assure you you can go through this. Take it from a person who was literally just diagnosed with ASD and whose memory sucks. You can do anything, just use other ways to help you learn and remember. Like visual or kinesthetic learning, or something else. Just find your way. You can do it!! !! !

We are here for you. Welcome to WP!

Hey Jimmy, thanks for the recommendation on those books. Although i have never been a huge bookworm, i will try to pick them up!

Hey Blabby, thank you very much for those kind words! I have spent my entire life around the english language (TV, internet, online buddies etc.), so its pretty natural for me to speak english. I am thinking about taking those Cambridge English tests sometime in the near future.

Hey Golden, i appreciate your very kind words! I have been thinking of ways to remember all the stuff but it all seems to come down to one thing, i have to like the subject/thing in order for me to remember it. I literally cannot remember a thing about advanced math, haha.

Terrible thing that happen I feel very sorry for you