need advice re: dealing with family that doesn't understand

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Hi everyone! I'm new here and this site grabbed my attention because of the title, my sister often teased that I came from "another planet" growing up! The first article I read on here was about taking family vacations, and it prompted me to ask my first question/seek advice.
I have to go on a "mini vacation" with my family and that fills me with anxiety! I've never gotten along well with my family, mostly because since I was not diagnosed as a child, they never bothered to understand me. Although I tried, I learned early on that it was just easier to keep my distance from them, emotionally as a child, and physically as an adult. Since I finally got a diagnosis last year, I've started trying to better communicate my needs to them. Besides just the "label" I try to explain what I need. Sadly, that still doesn't work with them. They just don't understand me sadly, and don't seem to want to. But because we might not have a lot of time left with my mom (she's 85 and has cancer again) My sister's 60th birthday is something I'm required to attend for her sake. Her daughter is renting a house for "all of us" to be toghether. So there is plenty of room (I like this idea from the article) and I'm setting limits, i.e. I am not going to stay the night. I tried to tell them what I needed to make it easier for me to "attend" but was met with nastiness and more lack of understanding (i.e. they still think I can control how I feel about things). I tried to just tell them I needed to know the expectations and the response was "for you to act like an adult" (I'm almost 57 years old, and this comment was from my 20 something year old niece)! I really don't want to go at all, but it would upset my mother too much if I don't go.

So my question is: what "self soothing" strategies can I use to prepare myself for what I know will be an anxiety producing event? I have learned some breathing techniques and coping strategies (self talk) in general, but I feel like I will be at a loss at this major event, that it will set me back, into a backward spiral, after making great strides. Any advice?

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thats a tough one! I would tend to retreat to my assigned sleeping place, close the door and pull the covers over my head. I use ear plugs if noise gets too heavy. You can take breaks (just like smokers who remove themselves from others to take a break) take a little walk, spend some time in your vehicle if you are driving there, put on some music, use headphones, even dark glasses might help keep sensory input at bay. Hope you make it through. Keep us posted!

Thanks guys! I'm new to this format, got spoiled by FB I guess, so I don't know how to reply individually, but I appreciate it

I am not sure when the planned trip is. It may have already passed. I would probably give the following advice.

This trip is about your mother. This may be the last time you see her alive. So I would put your attention towards her. Make her happy.

Although you have Asperger's, this is probably not the time to bring it up with your family. This visit is about your mom and not you.

Wearing sunglasses may be of help.

You might try playing and getting close to the younger children in your family. It is a time to meet them. If you have photographs of when you were a child and early photos of your family when they were young, bring them along with you on your trip and show them off to the younger children.

Thanks for the advice, good idea

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Welcome to Wrong Planet!