my first post

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Hello. This is my first post. Here goes.

I'm in my 40s, my husband is in his 50s. We have both led somewhat troubled lives, been termed "too smart," been placed in advanced classes in school, and felt socially awkward and unable to cope with social demands. After reading the thread, "you might be an aspie if..." I do believe my husband has Asperger's, and maybe I do, too.

My sister is a teacher working with "gifted" highly intellegent students, and she has several students who have been diagnosed with Asperger's. I asked her some time back if she thought my husband might have Asperger's, and she said definitely not. One of her reasons for her opinion is that her Asperger's students do not make eye contact. I have noticed that my husband does make good eye contact, but he seems to stare into my eyes, unseeing. He told me once that if he hasn't seen me in awhile, he can't remember what I look like. And we have known each other for 20 years.

He's a computer programmer, of course. My interests are more in the area of arts and literature. Neither of us have much aptitude for math, but we are both rabid science fiction fans.

I'm wondering if there is anything to be gained by seeking a diagnosis at our ages. Our lives are pretty much a mess, but what are our chances of finding a counselor who understands Asperger's (if that's what it is) and works with adults? I previously sought counseling for "social phobia" and it was a disaster.

I would be interested in hearing other's thoughts on this, whether we sound like candidates for an Asperger's diagnosis, and coping strategies when one or both parties in a troubled marriage are Aspies.

Wow, that staring through someone sounds like me. It looks like i'm looking at the eyes but my vision is actually focused to a point somewhere behind the head, or I am looking at the nose. And I have sooo much trouble remembering faces. Maybe because of that.

Welcome

Many people with AS learn to make at least some eye contact. It just doesn't come naturally and feels uncomfortable.

It's never too late to change, and if a diagnosis would help with that, I say go for it. I was only 20 when I got into counselling, and lucky enough to end up with a person who knew what they were talking about. Depending on where you live, you may be able to find local people on the spectrum who can recommend somebody. See if you can track down BrianR - he's in a similar age and situation and I'm sure can give better advice about saving a marriage than I could.

Welcome, ComputerWindow.

Some people find a sense of closure, of peace, at getting the dx. So often people with special situations are told they are stupid, or lazy, or not trying. With the dx, you can look back and say they were all wrong...you are NOT stupid or lazy or whatever. You KNOW you worked twice as hard and have earned your acheivments.

I would think getting the dx *would* help with finding the right councillor. You might be able to find a specialist if you live in a larger city. But, even if that's not possilbe, if you find a flexible councilor willing to learn about AS and really work with you, that would still be a winning situation.

People learn coping skills as they age. It doesn't surprise me in the least that your sister is applying what she sees with her students on your hubby and deciding it doesn't fit. Would one expect a group of NT (or "normals") adults to act like a group of, say, middle schoolers?

Anyway, welcome to wrong planet. I look forward to reading more of your post.

BeeBee
(Please be aware that I'm the last person who should give marital advise as I am divorced. And that I don't have AS but am parenting an Aspie so I can't know how you feel. And even though I faced a similar issue regarding a probably learning disability, I elected, at that time, not to get the formal dx. )

Hi!

What a touching story, and welcome, by the way.

The learning process for people with AS is very simple, but the ability to socially interact with others is not. I wish your husband continued good luck in determining his strengths and weaknesses.

Thanks to all for the welcome. I've been reading the forums with great interest. So much sounds familiar. I'm thinking that there is really little room for doubt that my husband and I are both Aspies. My husband perhaps shows the symptoms more strongly than I do because, when he was growing up, his Aspieness was actually encouraged by his mother. She just loved having a "little professor" for a son and didn't want him to waste time with silly social pursuits. My own parents, who were not especially social themselves, stressed the need to alter behavior somewhat to "get along with people."

I reviewed the syndrome with my sister, the special needs teacher, and told her that I had seen one study which suggested that there actually are a lot of female Aspies, but that their profile is somewhat different from the classic profile which was based on male subjects. The study said that while boys reveal their aspieness in traditionally male pursuits like math and science, girl aspies tend to be more artistic and intuitive. In a nutshell, the boys are computer programmers, the girls are hippies. My sister has suddenly taken a serious interest in the syndrome and in my well-being. I think something must have struck a chord.

If anyone is "in treatment" for Asperger's, I'm wondering what this involves. I know there is no "anti-asperger's medication" and I probably wouldn't want it even if such a thing existed. What direction does treatment take, what do you focus on? Is counseling directed at situational issues, getting through the rough spots... or what?

Thanks again for the welcome, and for the enlightening discussion elsewhere. I have found my people.

Welcome to you. I am also in my 40's and seeking a dx. I was told to think over the reasons why I would want a dx, especially since I'm "successful" without any treatment.

"Success" in dealing with the effects of AS is an outward thing, and doesn't reflect the confusion and resultant anxiety that is on the inside. Thats not something anyone but you can "see".

Recognizing the aspects of autism in yourself can help you to accept yourself. I am totally comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. I know now that I'm fine.

You can get a window on what provokes your anxiety, and how to deal with it in ways other than self medicating or avoidance (my ways of dealing with it ).

After dx I will have access to local programs to help me communicate better with my coworkers and clients, recognize expressions on faces, organize the appearance of my thoughts in ways that NTs can better deal with, and strategies to deal with the situations that scare me and therefore limit the quality of my life.

Yeah, I'm 40 years old, so what? Improving communication with NTs can only help make things easier.

You and I aren't broken and we don't need fixed. But if we can make our lives easier, I'm all for that.

Good luck to you. I feel really close to you and your husband in many ways.

This forum is diverse. We got young people like me and old people to. We are like a little USA!

*ahem* More like a little. . . .umm. . .planet. We got a lot of folks from norway, the UK, and Austrilia. God knows why so many from austrila.

Come on Prometheus, the answer is quite simple.
Because Australia is simply a kickass place to be.
We could make Australia "Autism Central". Wouldn't that be kickass?

Why conquer just an nation when you could get a. . . . . .CONTINENT!

Welcome!

I guess the old people you would be referring to would be me. Hmmm.

This sort of reminds me of when I was watering the lawn, and a little neighbor boy came over to see what I was doing. I told him that he has the same name as my dad. He asked me, "What's your husband's name?" and I told him. Then he asked, "Are you married?" and I said yes. Then he asked, "Are you old?"

Forty is "middle aged," kids. Eighty is old.

ohhhhh. Sorry, forgot my duty

GROAAAAAR - Official groar. check.

Okay, please enlighten me. What is GROAAAAAR?

GROAAAAAR is just Black Ligers way of welcoming people. Translated it means "So nice to meet you. Please come and make yourself at home."

Middle aged is always 5-10 years older than one is.

BeeBee