so I've met this incredible guy...

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I'm what I guess you call NT and I have met this incredible guy, who told me yesterday he has Aspergers...we kinda had this huge discussion that didn't end well. I really like him and want this to acually become a relationship but I'm am not sure exactly how to handle the Aspergers thing...I've been reading about it a lot and feel a bit overwhelmed, though I have thought for a long time that my son has Aspergers and a few others that I am in close contact with also have it..but I don't know what it means to try and have a romantic relationship in this situation. What about the inability to share feelings? and the inability to recognize body language? What do those things mean in a relationship? also the difficulty surrounding trust issues , and lack of empathy ....

any help and advice wold be much appreciated..

Pleasure to hear that you have met someone whom you consider as a potential partner. Without knowing either of you, it's impossible to comment intelligently about what will go easily for you, and what might turn out to be a sticking point. Yes, certainly, read and learn all you can; this site is a useful place to do that.

But be aware that no two people's experience is the same. The best source of info about your guy is... himself. Goodwill on both sides and a genuine wish for each other's happiness and well-being will go a long way toward solving problems. The ability to see the lighter side of situations is also a help.

Good wishes to you both, and welcome here.

I am AS with an NT boyfriend and what has worked for us is that we communicate openly in order to understand each other's different ways of expressing things and of understanding the world.

For example, my bf knows that if I lean against him gently, that is my way of showing affection (I am not that crazy about kissing).

Also, I explain all of my sensory issues to him and if he uses body language or a facial expression I don't understand, I just ask him.

He also asks me anything he doesn't understand. Like why I am stimming and what stimming is etc.

He has also had to learn some things like that when I am upset, I don't really want to talk about it or be hugged - I just need to be left alone to retreat into my own world for a few hours.

But I have had to learn that when he is upset he needs hugs and to talk and be listened to and to receive attention.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that for us it is very much an ongoing learning process, and acknowledging this has been what has made our relationship work.

The only thing I want to point out is the ugly side. I'm an AS male that has been in several relationships with NT girls. All of my experience basically boils down to this:

You are going to get burned.
He is going to get burned.
All you have to do, mutually, is have the *will* (not necessairly ability) to stick it out with each other, and after discussions and calm talking and compromises you'll find the ability.

I find that the success of the relationship relies on the unwaivering will -- not the highs or the lows. When there is an important issue that nobody will compromise on, that is serious, it should be pointed out, and something needs to work out. If not, it could just turn into a pinnacle of bickering and resentment.

Probably nobody is going to agree with me, as nobody ever seems to on on WP, but I just wanted to end by pointing out that I'm not saying all AS/NT relationships are doomed, I just wanted to say that you should be able to compromise on 99% of issues, and dear god pick that last 1% wisely, and make sure it really matters the value of the relationship to you before you refuse to compromise on it.

EDIT: P.s. I like that leaning on thing. That is adorable, and the cutest thing I've ever heard.

bah, I always come into these threads hoping they're about me, but they never are.

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