Mmm, Rum.

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Which means I'm gonna talk a lot here...well, write. After all I have no one to talk to. Which brings me to the problem...which brings me here. All my life, I felt I was different. I never had friends...sure, I'd talk to some people who I deemed worthy on a regular basis...but now I realize, I had never reached out to them. No matter how much they meant to me.

Always at a distance. I once thought it was from certain past experiences that led me to distrust others...to stay away from them. They never understood me...and when they judged me, I took it so seriously, every failure left a scar. So many scars now...It seems I've lost the will to go on.

When I was young, it seemed I wasn't bothered by being alone...I always had my other world, whether it be a video game or an anime, to live in. I always detached myself from the "real" world into one of those other worlds. It haunts me now...to realize, that I've never lived in this World, if I had put half the effort in this world as I did all the others I created to comfort me, would I be happy?

Who knows. I sit in my apartment, all alone. Lately, it's starting to drive me crazy...I felt just once, the wonder that is human interaction...I fell in love, I had a baby, but I lost it all. I'm constantly wondering now what went wrong...how, despite being so alone in life, I could grow so complacent as to push away the only thing that *ever* mattered to me.

No answers. I didn't expect them, yet I continue searching. I've managed to guide myself beyond the hate of loss...yet, the scar remains. After...I had loved someone with what seems like my whole being, and being rejected in such a manner that I could not bear again, how can I reach out to another to quell the pain?

I feel I can't go through it again. I don't remember anything of the past...I shut it out. The only thing that's ever there is the failure, of those I once had loved. Everyone, come to think of it...has cast me aside. Why am I so different I always asked?

I always had confidence in myself though. I knew it wasn't my fault...that I was beautiful person, that I found truths others did not. But what would it matter? If no one would accept me? I wondered...and I grew bitter. It brings me back to the first time I had tried to take my life. I was so young, I remember leaving a note, expecting my demise..."This world, just isn't for me."

All the hope I had once found after that...meaningless. They all left me, or died. I'm an orphan.
Still I sit here all alone, I can't begin to express how much I hate it. How much I hate myself for doing these things...it seems all I have to do is go out and talk to someone, but it's not even an option.

No option. I don't want this fate. I sit here every painful day, doing the things I always do, I'd even go as far as to submit to these wretched things I do over the hope of a better tomorrow. I hate it. I hate them, for shunning me...for not understanding.

The only peace is in my dreams. Further detaching myself from this world...creating those of my own in my mind. All because of those people...I can't trust them, I can't love them, I can't smile.
I dream of one who would understand, who would come and save me from this nothingness that I am. It's just me here.

It never fails to amuse me...I've studied my faults to a maddening extent. The answer is right before me so to say...but I just sit here, afraid of all the others around me yet indignant at the same time. Simple things like going to the bank, ordering a drink at a bar, talking to a girl who I admire so much...shouldn't give me such pause.

So you tell me...is this what I'm afflicted with? Is this the fate I have inherited, to be different than all those around me? And if so...am I very far now? To being...happy? Can someone who has harbored hatred to all those around him, ever find peace outside his own little world?

AS...I've never been one to submit to the idea of such an affliction, especially to myself. I need an answer as to why I have failed at life so...I know it won't help to have my pain labeled, but I still need to know...

Is this what is wrong with me?

Sorry but I would rethink your subject heading.
I am not sure if it is AS as you only seem to really mention detatchment which people do for so many reasons. Could you be depressed?? maybe someone else here will be able to give you more of an idea.
After all I am but a lowly NT What would I know.

Bluesummers, I like your user name. It speaks to me of the hell of growing up in my childhood prison. The prison was not my autism, but the abuse, and neglect for being different.

I would suggest you have a sober and deep reflection on the themes and discussions, here at wrong planet, and if you feel a resonance and connection, make an appointment to see you GP/ Dr

Go well my friend

Yeah, I seemed to dwell on only the social interaction. But you're missing the other things I've said, or might not have said, I don't remember. To me, sometimes the only comfort comes from doing that which other people would not...

I live, vividly, in the worlds I create. I strive for perfection, above all else. I do it over and over again, until I think it's "right." If I were merely SAD, why do I do all things I do? It's sad to admit the satisfaction in building a perfect army in Starcrat, Warcraft, striving over and over again to make it better.

Watching animes over and over again...contemplating the human meaning in it all, as if I had no human soul myself. I look and try to understand what they feel...try to understand why they do the things they do. And I've gotten quite good at it. But still, I'm always bound by what I guess I am.

I can't seem to change who I am. This isn't something a few years in the making...as long as I dare remember back, always detached, always different. I try now to express how I feel to others, only to find they don't understand. Pedantic...funny word, but it describes the only time I'm ever the least bit social.

To everyone around me, I seem to want to unveil some greath truth, I suppose that's why they all call me a smartass. I talk to myself constantly, analyzing and debating all the things that have happened in my life. I can't seem to stop it. It's like a different person, always chattering away at the logistics of it all.

I know it's not normal, but still I do it. And when I do, I guess you could say I forget about myself, all my problems...when I'm obsessing about something, nothing else matters. It's terrible the lengths I'll go to to fulfill these desires. I could have salvation but a grasp away, yet my habits always seem to win. "A creature of habit," I've often deemed myself.

I realize I'm very anti-social, but is this my only problem?

Welcome to WP!

Nice to meet you, Bluesummers.

Welcome, bluesummers!

I can understand the thing about living in different worlds, I do tat far too much as well.

Welcome Bluesummers!

Welcome Bluesummers.

I find that while dwelling in the past is not a good idea, one can not hope to move forward before ones past has thought it's lessons.
Shutting the past out will save you pain in the short run, but it will also prevent your scars from healing. To allow them to do that, you may need to open up the wounds again.
I hope this site can help you on your way, no matter if you have aspergers or not.

To WrongPlanet!! !