New - and feeling a bit lost - and found.

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Hi there! New poster here and I'm in a whole mess of confusion.

I stumbled across this forum after a recent breakup with a guy who has a spectrum disorder. We had known each other since adolescence, didn't see each other for many years (other than occasionally running into each other), then started dating after I moved back to my hometown in 2007. In trying to understand better why the relationship failed, a friend suggested I read up on Aspies so I did and while his diagnosis while we were growing up (in the 80s) was ADHD, he seems to fit the profile for Aspie.

I guess I was looking for some understanding - but the more I read, the more I realized that my last two boyfriends were on the spectrum (in fact, my most successful relationship to date - and I've had many spectacular failures now at 36 - almost fits a textbook definition for an Aspie).

I decided to talk to one of my best friends/business partner about it and she commented that she has always thought I was somewhere on the spectrum myself but never knew quite how to bring it up. I'm successful in business having parlayed good analysis/math skills into a consulting business and then a manufacturing business too. Some of my colleagues/employees agreed with her as well.

Both my younger and older brother had diagnosed spectrum disorders as does my father (ADHD and/or Aspie, all three) but my mom has always been one to shelter me from labels. I figured if I brought it up to her, she would freak out but instead she also agreed and thought that I might want to seek a diagnosis. She said that she had always stayed away from having me tested as I did well intellectually in school but functioned poorly with social interactions and was actually diagnosed as being "hyperkinetic" at age 3. She said she tried her best to control my diet and work with me on social skills, often isolating me from other kids to prevent their ridicule.

I've been lurking here for a couple of days and reading all the posts (obsessive, much?!) and so many things that are said fit me so well. I "stim" (noticeably, I'm told), I have problems with eye contact and staring (that I've worked hard to get under control). I often feel fatigued when forced to be social but then can be hyperactively social at other times. I've had a hard time making and keeping friends and relationships and most of my long-term or meaningful ones have come with others who are diagnosed Aspies or OCD or ADHD - they seem to be more tolerant of my shortcomings.

I'm nervous about seeking a diagnosis (I guess I'm concerned about a label) as my work life is very under control and I'm concerned about stigma. On the other hand, I'd like to figure out if this is my stumbling block in relating to others (something I have great problems with) and those close to me seem to think its a good idea (so that tells me something about how they perceive me already). I don't know how to go about seeking a specialist or what to expect - or what the downside of obtaining a spectrum diagnosis is.

I've lived independently since I was 18 (with only a few hiccups - like learning to pay bills and do other "grown up" things), I co-own two businesses, I have my own house and car, and I've traveled all over the world (often by myself, not necessarily "preferred" but definitely the way I feel most in control). I've had trouble making and keeping friends my whole life though, often being told I'm "exhausting", "difficult", "unpredictable", and that I "beat topics to death" long after others have grown bored with them.

So anyway... here I am. I'm not quite sure how I landed here on the planet, but hoping to figure it all out.

Welcome to WP!

I'm in Wichita Falls, not that far away, but will be moving to the Austin area this summer.

Last edited by Tim_Tex on 05 Apr 2008, 2:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Nice to meet you, jenidallas.

welcome! I have known a man who was very Asperger's and he had his own business and did very well. Nothing got past his bookkeeper, who was also on the spectrum!

Glad you are on WP. check out the Dino Aspie Cafe in the 'getting to know you' section.
older folks that learned about AS late in life. .and then figured out they WERE one!

Merle

Hi jenidallas,

welcome to WP.

One thing about getting a diagnosis is you have to think if it will help or hinder you...or think of pros and cons. Write a list of pros and cons of getting a diagnosis, what that will do for you [whether that be good or bad] and maybe decide whether it's worth it, based on that.
Plus, I think the cost for getting a diagnosis in adulthood is quite expensive. Whatever you decide though, it's up to you.
You seem successful...and travelling around the world, wow, your so lucky!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy posting here.

Good that you have joined, I found it helps to know others have been through the same questions.

Welcome jenidallas

Welcome jenidallas!

Its very possible ... i am not a dr. but to have two aspie boyfriends in a row is interesting. Some aspies 'find' each other. I met my husband at school and he is on the spectrum. out of 2000 people, we 'found ' each other. Either way.... welcome to wp.. i hope that you will enjoy it here and be able to learn a little about yourself and the mysterious male aspie mind.

cheers
cogu

Welcome to WP jenidallas

To WrongPlanet!! !

I know the most immediate past boyfriend falls within the spectrum although we never discussed it - when we were growing up, he attended a special private school and most of his lifelong friends are from that school - his best friend definitely is an Aspie and the other an Autie. I know when we were growing up, his diagnosis was ADHD/dyslexia but then again, that was the 80s. The more I read, I'm not sure where he falls, but a lot of the characteristics are there.

The other (a couple years ago) past boyfriend fits Aspie to the letter. Narrow obsessive interests, monotone voice, no social skills, very obvious stimming (lots of flapping and spinning), wanted to socialize with others but lacked the skills. He was a mathematic genius who went to Duke on a full scholarship but couldn't interview well for the type of job he wanted (finance) after he finished or an MBA program. He ended up getting hired by a guy who allowed him to work in seclusion and accepted his gifts with his challenges.

We had a lot of social problems because I was climbing the corporate ladder and trying my best to appear "normal" (when I already had social problems on my own). Once at a dinner with our attorneys, he got onto a scatalogical topic and wouldn't drop it, making dinner very uncomfortable for others. Another time, before we started dating and were friends, we went out (separately) with a group of mutual friends for pizza. After dinner, we were all walking on the sidewalk and some of us were goofing off and laughing at the back of the group. He thought we were laughing at him and took off at a full run (like sprinting) carrying his leftover pizza. He slipped and fell and pizza flew everywhere and when we tried to help him up, he started rocking in a ball and crying "don't touch me don't touch me don't touch me" over and over.

He was definitely the sweetest guy I've ever dated because he seemed to "get me" and celebrated things that others find "weird" about me. On the other hand, he could hurt me sometimes because he had a habit of "blurting" things on his mind with no filter (like "Jen, why can't you lose weight when you diet" or "wow, why does your friend have a bigger chest than you do?"). We ended up breaking up because there were barriers that we couldn't get past and I couldn't see the relationship progressing to sex, marriage, children - after two years and being in my 30s, I ended it. I now see them as pretty obvious signs. People often said we were in "our own little world" even when in a group.

Your comment makes me think though - do people within the spectrum recognize more other people within it? And if so, have these guys been picking me for a reason? And if I'm there myself, is that where my dating relationships are going to be? I guess that's why I'm here - to read and figure this out. And that's probably the only reason I might seek a diagnosis for myself - to "know" for sure. I don't really know what else I would do with it other than confirm that I am different and always have been.

Hi!

Welcome to Wrongplanet!

I hope you enjoy posting her!

Welcome to the forum jenidallas!!

welcome i am deathchibi.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!