New Member: Jay Shaw.

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Hello everyone,

My name is Jay. I had never heard of Asperger's Syndrome until my supervisor mentioned it to me a few days ago. She had watched a special on 60 Minutes describing the condition and notified me about it when she noticed that several of the symptoms seemed to apply to me. I had just described to her the day before that I have always been very sensitive to sunlight, for example.

Upon reading several descriptions online describing the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome, I was amazed to find out that it could likely explain countless individual aspects of my personality that I was already aware of but had always thought to be independent of one another. I am prone to obsession, particularly regarding matters that I deem to be important, and I quickly attempted to gather as much information online about Asperger's Syndrome as possible.

I was vexed by the fact that much of the available information seemed to be geared toward the parents of children with Asperger's Syndrome. However, the more I read about the condition and the slew of potential symptoms associated with it, the more surprised I was. Nearly every symptom I uncovered applied to me to at least some degree. Most symptoms applied almost perfectly.

When I was young, I was often recognized for my superior intelligence. Many of my teachers in high school told me that I was one of the most intelligent students to go through the school. I would effortlessly outscore entire classes full of students on examinations in every subject despite the fact that I had always been unwilling to spend any of my own time studying or doing homework of any sort. I exhibited similar results with numerous standardized tests.

This trend persisted into my college years, although I finally forced myself to concentrate on assignments. I couldn't let my desire to focus exclusively on my obsessions override my need to function in the real world. Needless to say, my performance in college was exceptional.

I was aware of autism in general as early as when I was in high school, although my experience was mostly limited to what I witnessed from watching the movie Rain Man. At the time, I had recognized many similarities in my own behavior and that of the character that Dustin Hoffman played, and I even described myself to some of my high school teachers at the time as "borderline autistic." I wasn't completely confident in my self-diagnosis at the time, however, since I had never heard of a person being declared "borderline autistic" before.

This self-diagnosis functioned as an attempt on my part to explain my extreme intelligence to myself and others. While I had very strong verbal, mathematical, reasoning, and planning skills, my basic mathematical skills seemed to pale in comparison to those of many autistic people. As a result, I drew the conclusion that certain aspects of general intelligence and autism were highly correlated. It seemed to make sense at the time, since my more limited gifts for subjects such as mathematics matched fairly well with the fact that my behavior was not nearly as extreme as that of the Rain Man. This assumption ultimately turned out to be false, as many people with Asperger's Syndrome do not appear to exhibit a superior intellectual capacity.

For the longest time I felt that my intelligence was the single defining aspect of my personality. I believed that my intellectual skills and extreme bent toward logical thought were the main factors that isolated me from my peers. I simply attributed the vast majority of typical human behavior to an inability to think rationally. I felt alienated and very alone.

It may seem as though I have a propensity toward generating many incorrect assumptions, but it is important to note that many of the conclusions that I drew about my personality in the past were made with very limited information. Like many people with Asperger's Syndrome, I had a distinct tendency to avoid people and social situations of any sort. As a result, I did not have many opportunities to observe people and their behavior, and I certainly never had the ability to observe others at my intellectual level. The lack of information forced me to make many hypotheses and generalizations about intelligence, personality, and human behavior that often later turned out to be untrue.

More recently, largely thanks to the advent of the Internet, I have occasionally come into contact with very intelligent people. I was surprised to find out that despite having logical skills roughly similar to mine that these people did not exhibit many of the behavior patterns that I do. As a result, I was able to determine that my personality could not be explained exclusively through intelligence. Even today, though, I still maintain that intelligence is one of the most dominant factors determining a person's behavior.

Occasionally, I would hear of various abnormalities in personality (often described as "disorders", although I strongly dislike this term and believe that it is misleading) that seemed to apply to me. I knew that I engaged in obsessive-compulsive behavior. After reading about schizoid behavior, I realized that this description certainly applied to me, as well. I had often considered that I might also suffer from clinical depression, although I generally dismissed this as being a possible abnormality in my personality due to the fact that I always had extremely tangible reasons for my unhappiness. I recognized that most of the abnormalities that I exhibited were also present in my mother. I also observed that my mother engaged in behavior that could be associated with attention deficit disorder, although I did not seem to inherit the traits associated with it, myself.

While all of these personality abnormalities may have applied to me, I had no reason to believe that they were somehow interconnected until recently. The entire notion that a condition such as Asperger's Syndrome exists is simply shocking to me. This accounts for so many of my behavioral abnormalities and explains so much about my past that it is, frankly, quite frightening.

Even in hindsight, it is not difficult to see how I could be prompted to arrive at many of my erroneous conclusions about personality. After all, wouldn't it be an extraordinary coincidence for a person to exhibit both extreme intelligence and an extremely rare mental condition that is completely independent of a person's intellectual capacity? Indeed, it is a nearly unfathomable coincidence, and I am dumbfounded by the apparent fact that it has happened to me. It would appear that I somehow managed to win the lottery this time around.

I am still trying to weigh all of the implications of this discovery in my mind. Most of the preliminary conclusions that I am drawing seem to indicate that my deep desire to be understood and to develop a truly meaningful relationship with someone may never be fulfilled. I happened to be physically ill at the time when my supervisor first notified me of Asperger's Syndrome, so I have had to juggle all of these thoughts while coping with both work and my illness.

The feeling is bittersweet, I suppose. I now have access to people who can understand a great deal of my feelings and behavior on at least some level, but the concept of finding true compatibility in a mate seems virtually impossible now. I am certainly grateful that I am more fully aware of my situation now than I have been in the past, at any rate, though.

I plan to see a psychiatrist to seek a formal diagnosis as soon as possible. I have essentially no doubt that I have Asperger's Syndrome, but many people are not likely to accept my opinion on the subject as I do not have any medical credentials. I feel that it is within my best interests to receive an official diagnosis in case I need to "prove" my credibility at some point in the future.

I hope you will all forgive me for this longwinded discussion. All of these extreme thoughts and emotions have been roiling about in my head recently, and I felt the need to explain my situation to someone. The only person I know that I have attempted discuss this with did not seem to be particularly interested in the subject (this is understandable, as she has innumerable problems of her own to contend with). I don't have any other close friends, and most people would not be able to understand the true gravity of my situation, anyway.

If any of you have any comments or would like to speak with me, feel free to reply to any of the messages that I have posted on these forums or contact me via AIM or e-mail. If you would like to know more general information about me, I posted a message in the "Sticky: Questions about you" topic of the "Getting to know each other" forum. For anyone who has read any of my messages, thank you for your consideration.

Hello Jay,
It's good to have you joining us.

This describes me perfectly, but I think you will find many intelligent and insightful people here.
It seems that most people with AS have average to high IQs.
I also believe that our unique perspective lends us untold advantages in the logic department.

I too have recently been struggling with this new information. I first heard about AS just over a month ago. It has been a very intense experience reflecting on my life and seeing things finally fall into place. I had become quite adept at pretending to be normal, though something was always lacking. Still I thought that one day I would meet the right girl or find the right career and then things would improve. Now I am also wondering if I might ever find someone to share my life with.

Finding a place like this to read about the experiences of others and share my own has been a great source of inspiration for me. I now have a much better understanding of my strengths and weaknesses. And I feel that ultimately this knowledge will prove most beneficial.

I hope you quickly feel at home here.

ware4,

Thank you for your conscientious reply to my post. I appreciate it.

From what I've read, your first statement is undoubtedly true. I recall reading something to the effect of, "By definition, people with Asperger's Syndrome have average to high IQs and many are particularly skilled in a certain area," on one of the web sites I visited recently.

I suppose I might have jumped to conclusions by assuming that the distribution of IQs among people with Asperger's Syndrome would be relatively similar to the distribution found among neurotypical people (read: very many people with average IQ and very few with superior IQ). I haven't done enough research to reach any definitive conclusion regarding the distribution of IQs among people with Asperger's Syndrome, so I had to make an assumption based on the few facts that I did possess.

Your statement regarding an advantage to logic inherent to people with Asperger's Syndrome may also be true, although I have no evidence to confirm or deny this claim at this point in time. Since you have had more time to make observations on people with Asperger's Syndrome than I have, you are probably in a better position to make an accurate judgment on the subject than I am.

can you say dejavu? My discovery of aspergers on June 1st, was a purely coincidental thing (which is why I believe strongly in the concept of "fate"), but with in a few hours of first reading about it, I had answered almost every question I had ever had as to why I was the way I was.

And this after spending almost two years trying to figure out what I had.

Jay,

I have read your introduction with great interest. Similarly to you, I never suffered from a "learning disability" at school; on the contrary, it were others who seemed "disabled". At work I was appreciated as "really good", but - of course - also "difficult". For most of my life I thought that my intellectual abilities were my only differentiating feature, but I realized that most people put emotions before logic only quite recently. Up until two years ago I was constantly and genuinely surprised when people's behavior did not follow my logical predictions.

In the past I occupied myself inventing theories explaining myself and the surrounding reality, some of which were, ahem, rather strange. Just like you, I had limited contact with people, and had to build my theories on uncertain assumptions. I kept all these "weird" notions to myself, until this year, when - amazingly - I have found books about these topics. Generally, I seem to be the local expert in lack of self-awareness. While most aspies appear to have been, in their teens or even earlier, deep into depression over not fitting and lacking friends, I was living happily in my own world, blissfully unaware that there could be anything "wrong" with me.

I agree with you that the existence of the Asperger's Syndrome is very surprising (and, yes, frightening). For example, I would never have guessed that my problems at work had anything to do with my "silly movements" (which I don't do at work, of course).

I think that Asperger's Syndrome is not as rare as it may seem to you. I see a surprising number of intelligent people on aspie boards. I am very happy that I have found others who can understand me, and who accepted me. And only sometimes, very rarely, I miss that feeling of being all alone, on top of the world, the only logical being in the universe.


There are many aspies who have successful relationships, and who are good parents. It means that having Asperger's Syndrome does not preclude having a happy and fulfilling family life.

I understand the emotional turmoil that you likely find yourself to be in right now. Please don't hesitate to post here if you need help, or when you just feel like shouting your thoughts out. Many of us have been (or are) in a similar situation.

Welcome to Wrong Planet, Jay.

Welcome, Jay. You have described my life! I grew up believing my "weirdness" was due solely to my intellectual giftedness. Every way that I was different from other children was explained by Triple S Syndrome: "Oh, Cindy's that way because SHE'S SO SMART."

I only learned about AS five months ago. The RELIEF in finally understanding my life has been incredible. I still have no friends, but at least now I know why!

jaysjaw, magic, cindy...

ditto!

V

Thank you for your replies, everyone. All of the people I have met on this forum so far seem to be very kind and accepting. You have made me feel welcome, and I thank you again for that.

Jay, just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed meeting you and talking to you over IRC, hopefully get to talk again sometime.

I was both relieved and saddened to find out I have AS.

I'm relieved because now I have a framework that connects many of the problems I faced growing up and as an adult. But saddened to learn that it's not something I can "cure" myself of. I've felt like an outsider my entire life, living on the "WrongPlanet".

I have a fairly high IQ, but I don't think I'm quite as intelligent as Jay. In elementary and junior high I was able to scrape through my classes by acing the tests, without doing the homework, (it was VERY hard for me to concentrate on homework after school). But in high school that strategy failed, partly because the subjects became more difficult, and because I started skipping classes to hang out in the computer lab. As a result I barely squeeked out a HS Diploma (by taking 12th grade twice!), and never went to college. I'm working in the computer industry today, but my lack of a college degree has kept me at the low end of the pay scale.

I also wasn't smart enough to come up with possible diagnoses. I became very depressed in High School, then my obsessive nature sent me down the slippery slope to Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I'm 37 years old and I'm still struggling daily with severe depression and GAD.

But I now have hope. Through my son, (who was diagnosed with AS), I've learned a lot about the condition. He's in a great therapy that's geared towards children but can be beneficial for adults, so we're learning it together. He's a joy to be around and a never ending source of facination to me. I figure we can work on becoming happy people together.

And despite only being here for a short while, this forum gives me hope. I no longer feel like an isolated loony hovering around the outside of all the "real people".