I'm really not good at putting my thoughts in a nice neat little package, in speech or online, so I apologize in advance if I don't make sense or ramble.
I am currently in the process of trying to figure myself out. I am depressed a lot of the time, have absolutely no friends, and I don't like interacting with people. In fact, I am downright terrified of it. I have had people that I called friends in the past, but I was always just part of a group and never really, honestly close with anybody. I faked it...quite well sometimes. But no matter how great things seemed on the outside, I still felt like a fraud on the inside. I always felt like I was an alien or some kind of robot, trying to act human but never quite getting it right.
For the longest time, I thought I was just a geek. I hated sports. I loved science fiction and fantasy, video and roleplaying games, and computers. I am obsessed with computers. But even other geeks seemed to be able to make friends with other geeks. I tried to share my interests with others, in the hopes of making friends, but it just never worked or I chickened out and ended up alone in my room/house/apartment as usual. For awhile, I all but abandoned my geekiness and tried to act like everybody else. For awhile, it even seemed to work. But it didn't last, of course. A person can only pretend on that level for so long.
Years went by and I found myself in my first serious relationship, having kids. But my girl turned out to be bipolar and that ended up bring me a lot pain and confusion. After she got help and I just seemed to get worse, I decided to start exploring what might really be wrong with me. I've looked primarily into depression and Social/General Anxiety Disorder and those *seemed* to fit, but it didn't explain 100% of what I was going through. Like I said, I always felt like some sort of alien... I had to watch people constantly to learn how to behave.
My social anxiety seemed to be getting worse and worse and it was difficult to hold down a job. It didn't help that the only work I thought I could get was in a call center doing tech support. I HATE phones. It was a nightmare everyday. I even attempted suicide at one point and after that I vowed never to take such a job again. Almost by accident, I stumbled upon a job opening at a small local company working in AutoCAD (computer aided drafting/design). I had breezed through a limited CAD course in high school and enjoyed it, so I thought I would check it out. My skills were very lacking, but computers are something I am very good with, so I was actually able to teach myself what I needed to know almost overnight and aced the interview, landing the job. I was finally at a job that didn't make me want to die every morning, but the social problems were still firmly in place. I eventually found an even better job, doing the same thing, but my social anxiety had gotten even worse. To avoid talking to people, or more accurately, to discourage people from talking to me, I kept my iPod earbuds firmly in place 8 hours a day at work, listening to podcasts and audiobooks mostly. I would make sure that nobody was at the printer when I needed to get something from it, come up with excuses not to go to social functions at work, etc. When told that I needed to interact more with the rest of the team, I kept making the same excuse that it just takes me awhile to warm up to people. That was almost a year ago and I am still spending my workday in my own little world, alone.
Then one day, I was listening to a podcast about techy computer things and there was guest on who just happened to be an expert on autism and Asperger's. He talked about going to a tech convention in Silicon Valley and how he was shocked that everybody he met there seemed, to him, to have varying degrees of Asperger's Syndrome. Could that be what's wrong with me?
I kept that thought in the back of my mind for months before it came up again. I was watching a show and a guest character came on that had Asperger's. While the other characters on the show seemed put off by her, I found her attitude fascinating and far more reasonable than the other characters. Not long after that, I was at work and decided to Google the phrase "Geek or Asperger". I was amazed at what I found. Every article, every testimony sounded like it came from my own mind. I just kept thinking over and over again "Holy s**t...there are others...".
So, here I am... I've taken a couple of tests online, scored 40 out of 50 on one and 182 out of 200 on another. I am reading "Look Me In The Eye" right now and have had to stop several times because the similarity to my most private thoughts and processes is almost eerie and definitely unsettling.
I am almost certain I have this now, but at the same time I am afraid it will be another dead end and I am just trying desperately to belong. I don't know what to do now and would love to here from some of you.
03 Dec 2008, 12:27 am
