Does he have Asperger's? Do I tell him?

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Hi everyone,
I am new to the forum.
I only just read about Asperger's in a magazine article yesterday and suddenly it hit me - my boyfriend of 4 years MIGHT have it. Since then I spent hours on internet researching and trying to figure out if that's the case. I am still not sure, as he matches only about half of the criteria. For example, he does find it very difficult to communicate his feelings, but in social situations he is generally NOT more awkward than the most of people. Still, there are too many coincidences for it to be just a character trait. I suspect he has a very mild form of Asperger's...
Don't really know what to do now. He has no idea about my discovery and am sure he never heard of asperger's. I am not sure if I should mention it to him. And how? How will he react?
I don't want him to think that there is something wrong with him. Or that I think there is something wrong with him... I don't want him to feel different, somehow flawed, but I am afraid he might... On the other hand, knowing about this condition would definitely help us to understand each other better and perhaps avoid some regular arguments. I love him so much and don't want to upset him... What if it is not Asperger's?
Please could someone offer their advice? How did you feel when you found out being adult? (he is 39). Did it change everything for you? Made it better?

Thank you.
Allin

Welcome and good luck getting answers to your questions.^^

Welcome to the Wrong Planet community, Allin.

I think I was 19 when I got the question "Do you have asperger syndrome?". After looking it up on the web, it was like a revelation. Suddenly it all made sense to me. I'm still very thankful to have gotten that question. I can't speak for your boyfriend, though, as I'm not him, his age, nor have I ever been anyone's boyfriend.

Hi Allin. Welcome.

Why do you want to tell him? You'll need to be accepting of him one way or the other, if your relationship is to continue. Putting a label on how he processes information going to help that how? If he's an Aspie, he's not going to change so you'll need to be able to accept him as he is. It's in the wiring - we don't get "cured" - so he's not going to change. You might want to do some lurking on the boards, look for the common, but similar generalities in the posts you see (because, like in everything else, we're all individuals although we share some tendencies). I don't know that I can recommend reading much of what I've seen in the popular press lately, as it's primarily appearing to be for entertainment value.

I was labeled in my late 40s, but I knew I wasn't the same as "other" people for a very long time. The only thing getting the label did for me was to let me know that there were plenty of other people who had similar processing differences - I wasn't alone in the universe. That was comforting. It explained a lot, which allowed me to let go of worrying about some things. There are plenty of other things to stress about in life. Being able to let go of that corner of it was a relief. Other than that, nothing changed.

There could be a lot of things in his personal history that make him behave as he does - it could well be something other than Aspergers' at work. If it is that he's an Aspie, he probably already knows, at his age, that he doesn't fit in all that well so pointing it out shouldn't be too hard. But if you're off-base, it might not be all that pleasant a conversation. Tough call. Sometimes it really is better to say nothing.

But if you must, I don't know how blatant I'd be about bringing it up. Maybe grabbing a magazine with a story about someone with Aspergers, or a popular book, (there appears to be quite a lot of them popping up - we're starting to be the 'syndrome de jour') and then you could comment about how interesting it was, and perhaps he'd like to read it? If he says no, you've struck out. If he say yes, and doesn't recognize himself in it, it's possible he doesn't have Aspergers. Or is in denial. Either way, no progress towards what you seem to want. But if he does recognize himself in it, it could prove helpful to him.

If you want to go on an even less-direct route, the situation comes up, you might point out to him some other person who fits the diagnosis and then comment about how you've read about Aspergers' and how it can impact someone's perceptions of the world. If a conversation comes forwards out of that regarding his own issues, if he has any, then at least you haven't made a snap judgment on him (or a possibly incorrect one).

Enjoy love while it lasts. Hopefully it will transform into the kind that lasts forever.

Good luck!

That's a pretty significant change in itself.

I was forwarded a web article on AS by my wife, who'd gotten it from her daughter - both thought it sounded like me. I thought it sounded like someone had been reading my diary. Not only has it been liberating to know that my idiosyncrasies are not personal defects, weaknesses, or failures but an actual atypical brain function shared by a great many other people, it has also made counseling and other assistance available that I would never have had access to otherwise. I see no harm in bringing it up - you said yourself you feel he fits only a certain portion of the diagnostic checklist, which leaves him plenty of room to decline the idea should he choose to, no harm , no foul. On the other hand, after a little bit of research, he may tell you he fits a lot more of the profile than you might be able to read on the surface. Once an Aspie reaches puberty, they quickly begin to learn how to fake being NT, often to such a degree that you'd never know, unless you live around them every day.

My ex had it really bad. But he was oblivious.

He sat in one chair. Had every shirt pressed same way, exaclty one inch from the one next to it. Used one burner on the stove. Would not flush the toilet until after he had used it many times, obsessed about plastic bags and would rage if the ppor clerk simply asked if he wanted something bagged, - he had a huge house and went into three rooms. Bedroom, bathroom, and TV room. And kitchen. That is all. Nice porch. Never touched it. Nive balacony. Never went on it. NO FURNITURE in the kitchen.

Everything the same day after day after day after day. No gf before me, none after. Like livin gin a black hole.

I am not that bad. It was sad,

well it is a spectrum, and we do come in several flavors, just like Howard Johnson's...

It depends on how good your communication with each other is. If you're painfully honest (which, I can tell you, is more painful than honest..., you could just have him come by here, after some suitable explanation from yourself.

More likely, it would be how you'd feel he'd react to seeing this site. The shock of finding a name and diagnosis for something like this might be hard to take, but seeing that at least 17,000+ more people have the same thing might be comforting.

Of course, there's the small chance you'd lose him to us, dearie (j/k... but when I found out about AS, it made life a lot more comforting.

To WrongPlanet!! !