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Hi, I'm new here. I have had my diagnosis for 3 years, after my son was diagnosed. He is 17 and I am 46. We are both afflicted with depression, I suspect it comes from the tension we feel around my husband who is NT and hard for us to read. It seems to us that he has PMS most of the time! He goes from being reasonably pleasant to "pissy" in just seconds. Sometimes, it seems like he likes making us uncomfortable. He'll make us feel cornered as he "bullets" us with questions rapid fire about our feelings and why it's so hard for us to communicate with him. My son and I are similar in that we lock up when we feel threatened. He'll say, " It's an easy question, anyone should be able to answer....so why can't you? I know you're not stupid, come on, I'm waiting."


Does anyone else have anything like this going on? I really feel alone.

If you've both been diagnosed for about three years it's time your husband learned more about AS. He's being an intolerant jerk IMO, demanding things you can't do and then disparaging you for not being able to do them.

He has a duty to learn more about AS, if not because the woman he loves has it then certainly because he's responsible for a child with it.

I just discovered the concept of Asperger's less than a year ago.
I'm sure that my 18-year-old son and I are Aspies (not diagnosed).
Our reactions to a lot of things are very similar, like the way you guys "lock up when we feel threatened."

My husband is also a complete jerk, although the details are a little different. He's passive-aggressive, plays a lot of power games, a lot of humiliation games. It's like he has to own everything. We can't even laugh about a silly little joke without him wanting to take over.
If he can't own it, he has to kill it. It's like living with a dementor.
(As in Harry Potter, the dementors of Azkaban.)

I've been through a thousand theories over the years. Borderline personality, chemical imbalance, history of child abuse...
Lately, I've been thinking that maybe he is on the spectrum somewhere, too, but somehow of a different flavor. Some kind of a Stockholm syndrome thing, in that he has become the fascist monster that made him so crazy. Does that make any sense?

Last edited by Tahitiii on 22 Feb 2009, 11:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hi Alone-in-the-Crowd, yes I have and I am a similar age and have a my older son now 15 also on the autism spectrum like myself, we have been diagnosed just a few years now. But family wise it can be hard, beginning to get easier as I feel more confidence in who I am and able to explain more. i.e. I do not stay up late to avoid my husband, its just the way I am, but guess he is not a mind reader and we have to work out compromises as with any relationship to work. But still at times my husband gets frustrated and even now I explain things at times he says things like you could at least look at me, I do in my own way and comments like that make me withdraw more. But I know its not intentional, just his frustrations and as you know, we know what thats like.

Recently I have really been looking at how I impact and affect others and this has helped, I am slowly making small steps to change, but to be honest after a life time of pretending I just want to be ale to be myself. I guess my husband wants me to be like everyone else and I am changing even more since truly understanding, not easy for either of us, but we are getting their, slowly. As a family things can not change over night, and as us aspies are not good with any change it can be a bit of a roller coaster, but we have to remember to help include others, but they also have to want to understand.

Yes, mine can be a little like this and after all I was attracted to him because he was different, but feel he has a need to control his own situation and me being diagnose has made him have to look at himself..... some men seem to see any difference as a defect of self.... while I am extremely happy to be able to understand my differences like my older son...., so do feel that partly his frustrations are because he is not ready to except who he is and see his thoughts....
we all impact on others ad I feel I partly allowed him to get his way, because until I found Aspergers I was a little lost, but out of the shadows for good now

Thank you Tahitiii and Asplanet for your replies. I too am tired of "pretending to be normal" I guess since getting diagnosed, I have relaxed a bit and let my mask down. I am really exhausted when I come home after being "normal" around co-workers. So, I am slow to get motivated for house work. He doesn't understand this as he says he can come home after a longer workshift than mine and still clean house faster than I do. I believe he has OCD because everything has to always be in place at all times. I and my son have organizational difficulties.

That's a good theory. Now I can add "OCD" to the list of his possible disorders. I used to name his demons (Jack, Groucho, Hercules...) Now I collect disorders. Is there a name for hypochondria when it's about trying to diagnose someone other than yourself?

if a man goes from being reasonably pleasant to "pissy" in just seconds he definitely has a mental condition. i have an uncle who does this and he is abusive and severely domineering over his children. i think he is bipolar. anyway, your son and you in the same boat as many young men and their moms. but you have crossed a major hurdle now that you see that you have symptoms of depression. my mom on the other hand does not see that she has depression.

recognizing that you are depressed allows you to cope and deal with it.

also fighting between teenagers and their parents is a normal part of human psychological development. it's in every intro to psychology and pediatric textbook. see for yourself. allow your son to yell back at you and your father if you are having a fight. let it out. the fighting is how teenagers grow from being dependent children to more self sufficient adults. it's normal. i've had the same problem with my mom and dad when i was 17. guess what? now i am 22, i work, and i have a new, civilized relationship with my parents. the fighting is how we all grew into another stage of the parent/child relationship. read the book "Family Triad" - it explains a lot.

I haven't heard of that one, and Google doesn't help. Do you have a link? Author's name?

The Family Crucible by Augustus Y. Napier , Carl Whitaker


Read a sample page from the book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0060914 ... eader-link

Welcome to the Wrong Planet neighborhood, Alone-in-the-Crowd. All the best of WP to you and your son.

Hi Alone-in-the-Crowd. I have to say I can empathise with you to a degree. I'm 22 years old and live with my parents. I love my mum dearly, she is like my best friend. But I struggle with my dad as he is so into himself and can be really dismissive of my feelings.

I have OCD and am REALLY fussy about cleanliness - he on the other hand can be quite dirty. A typical example of his behaviour is when he once said to me "you don't need to be like that" (talking with regards to my OCD) when I was making a fuss over him making a cup of tea with dirty hands. As if being obsessive about cleanliness isn't irritating to me as well... as if I'm doing it to purposely bug him.

Unfortunately I have had to be really snappy and forceful with him in order to get him to be halfway respectful of me. I have quite sensitive hearing and he makes awful noises when he eats (sucking his fingers etc) and I have had to shout his name numerous times because the noise really affects my ears. This has worked.

As others have said - he owes it to you to learn more about you and your son. Otherwise he is being selfish. You however do not owe him the answers he demands when he treats you like you describe. You have every right to remain silent and walk away and also to demand respect. You are right in that he seems to enjoy playing these power games. That is no way to treat people. As Learning2Survive said - he could be bipolar, or in the least have anger issues. He needs help but also needs to know that taking it out on you and your son is not right.

Forgive me if my post is at all emotional - I feel your story is in a way similar to mine.

Also - you are not alone at all. Sadly power-struggles and game playing are part of many peoples lives for some reason. I seem to attract power-grabbing, self-indulgent people in my life. Relationships are two-way streets in which Love should flow freely - your husband should see and appreciate the beautiful woman who shares his life, and the beautiful child who was created from the two of you.

Hey Audioeyes,
thanks for the reply, I really appreciate everyone who has given me alot of support. My outlook has changed and I am feeling more positive....and best of all no so much alone on this crowded yet lonely planet! My son is on WP he calls himself gaimboi.

I am pleased to hear you are feeling more positive! A positive feeling is the first step in the Change process! Best wishes!