Greetings & Salutations & A Question

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Hello all. First off, just want to say how glad I am that I found this place, its always nice to know that you aren't alone in your perceptions of the world. I haven't been formally diagnosed with aspergers' but after doing quite a bit of research I found myself nodding a lot and bursting with expletives at every description of what asperger's entails, from the formal clinical definitions to individuals describing their experiences subjectively.

I always knew I was "different", starting about when I was 7 or 8 I suppose. My parents always knew something was up with me, but could never figure out what (much to their frustration). I just never fit in, and always had a lot of aquaintances but few friends growing up (as true in childhood as it is now). I went thru a lot of the usual crap one goes thru when having aspergers as a kid/adolescent. Although in retrospect I'm not sure which was worse, the teasing/bullying when I was young or being ignored/shunned during my teens and 20s. It wasn't all bad mind you, I did have some close friends back then but still, you know how people can be. Most of my friends were of the "freaks & geeks" variety. But back then it was more of a strength in numbers kind of thing, at my HS if you weren't a jock or a prep you were a nobody, so all the punks/goths/artsy types/geeks/gays/etc. hung out together. College seemed more or less an extension of that, with more social pressure of course.

I'm the first to admit that I'm utterly clueless when it comes to women and dating, and feel awkward in most social situations. Sometimes I think I have a group phobia type of problem as well...I'm fine with most people one on one, but in group settings I can be such a basket case, usually I'll just get very quiet. Not all the time, depends who I'm with. Sometimes though like at work, it seems people go into "clique" mode and then I'm really clueless, as coworkers tend to act worse than I recall the kids in middle school being sometimes (all the gossip that goes on), and while I try to get along with everyone, sometimes I inadvertently say the wrong thing to the wrong person and manage to further isolate myself. One of those "if I'm seen talking to this person then I can't talk to that person" kind of thing. I have no idea why people have to be like that but they are. Sorry if I ramble...

I guess the main thing I wanted to touch on was how having Asperger's' affects one's ability to be social. I'm not terribly outgoing, and never have been, but the few friends I do have are like family to me. I have a hard time with parties though, and forget nightclubs and bars (unless I'm with a close friend, then its bearable). I wish I wasn't such a geeky introvert at times though, but I guess I can't help it. Also, the whole being ignorant of non-verbal cues is me to a T.

So my question is...how do you cope with trying to have a social life while having aspergers?

I have been really lucky. I went to a special needs school for five years and while there had lots of Speech and Language Therapy. Basically, the therapists taught us all how to behave like an NT (neuro-typical: somebody 'normal'). All the social rules, accepted behaviours, conversation tactics and conventions: you name it, we learned it. Now I don't have a problem socialising. I can play the game so convincingly that other people don't notice I have asperger's syndrome or have ever had social interaction difficulties. I'm not trying to be cocky or arrogant, but people are surprised when I tell them. That said, I still occasionally say unexpected things but they aren't the big social mistakes they used to be. I've also internalised the 'rules' quite well so that I don't really think about it any more, and at least to some degree 'think' like an NT (at least, I presume that's what they'd do since nobody has told me otherwise). It does hurt occasionally though because however hard I try it's still behaving against the grain, especially when I want to do something but it wouldn't be socially acceptable. I don't have a problem making friends now either, but I've always been social even when I was at Primary school (up to age 11). I remember several occasions when people would tell me, "But that's how people think!", and I'd say, "But why?!?!".

In short, I don't have a problem socialising with NTs because I've learned how to do it. I couldn't print out a list of every single trick I learned, though. A lot of it is accepting the silly things people say and do and doing it yourself. As my mum put it: people need validation and if you're different then they don't get it. It's crazy, really, but once you can get others to recognise you as 'normal', life is so much easier. It's a hard road, though. Good luck!

To WrongPlanet!! !

Welcome greetings, fellow-traveler djinnNtonic.