How to deal with permanent awkwardness & drama?

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If anyone could answer my above question in the title that would be great . I'm just gonna list some examples of why I feel awkward every day at dinner while at college now :

1. Aspie friend whose always bringing up her ex-boyfriend who put me in a BAD position... (p.s. I'm an autie so I'm not an ignorant NT ranting that Aspies are bad...)
2. Friends split out table so that I can only hang with some people each night (If you don't like someone just don't talk to them, I'd think you could sit at the same table & not kill each other...)
3. I feel like I'm back in high school b/c of girls going on about how Orlando bloom's hot... GEEZ
4. I'd like to slap friend's for calling certain people whores... (& I've begun to notice in at least some cases the accusers seem to be hypocrites... "keep my mouth shut much")
5. Daily sexual comments = ENOUGH ALREADY (p.s. I know its a part of college life but it gets a little excessive)
* All leading so sensory overload where I feel like my ears are gonna explode & I need to either stim myself silly while eating or get up & take my plates to be washed every 2 minutes

Finally, I feel like I've been turned into a whiny, helpless B....

Yikes! Sorry to hear about this. Do you have the option of taking your plate to go and sitting outside somewhere away from all the drama? The dining halls on my campus offer to-go packaging and there are quiet picnicking areas all over the place. Personally, I'd just leave them to it and take my dinner and reading material elsewhere. It sounds like it would be much more pleasant.

I don't have advice about anything except the first one, telling your friend (gently) that you don't feel comfortable talking about her ex so much, is actually socially acceptable. Remembering to be gentle though, she may be talking about him a lot because of personal hurt (even if it doesn't seem like it).

pschristmas's idea of picnicking sounds good. It could be missinterpreted, it would get you away from the drama though.

uh. . .how can these people be 'friends'? Aren't they just convenient people that you happen to be around? Join a club or activity that you can meet other people interested in the same things you are, so when you meet up you can have common interests and pursuits. When you are out picnicking keep your eye out for another 'escapee'

Take a book to dinner with you? Just be honest with people? I once asked a friend if he could please sit further away and not talk to me because I was feeling antisocial that day.