A Strange Delusion About My Professor

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I'm in this physiological psychology class. The professor is awesome. However, as the class wore on, I noticed, or at least I thought I did, that he, the professor, watches me sometimes during lecture. I'm sure it's because my behaviour is a bit eccentric. It's a bit unnerving. So, I decided to go and talk to him during his office hours.

I spent an unreasonable amount of time thinking about whether or not to talk to him about it. Fixated on it for weeks. I didn't sleep at times, and I read a lot of his research. I thought to myself, "Well, It is a huge class of 300 people, and he's an incredibly prolific expert in his field -- a busy guy. He's not watching me." I tried so hard. I kept trying to convince myself nothing was going on, but I just couldn't do it. I had to go speak to him. I mean, he's interested in naturalistic observation for God's sake. And we've had strange encounters. For example, he watched me get visibly upset during class when he walked in the same door as I did in that morning and totally f****d up my morning. He circled the class and came beside my chair, and kept looking at me, worried. Bumping into professors is so emotionally draining.

Agh, Anyway! So I decided to go and confront him not only to try and get to the bottom of things, but also to 'humanize' him in my eyes, and help me feel more comfortable. I went and saw him, and he said he didn't recognize me at all. He didn't know who I was, and he'd try to look for me next time. Then he started stonewalling me. I'd like to think he's not lying but I'm struggling. I fixate a lot and I had a lot of evidence complied as to why he had at the very least noticed me. And, even though, I think it made sense for him to have lied, to relieve us both of the weird situation, I'm also very freaked out by the fact that he very well may not have noticed me at all, and I made up the entire thing. That sickens me. I'm quite perceptive, and to have blundered that flagrantly is just mortifying.

I'm sorry for how horribly this is written, I'm frazzled and it's late, kind of a vent

Also, I'm just so embarrassed and so I can't seem to study for his midterm because I feel so ashamed and foolish. I f*****g suck at science to begin with. I'm going to fail now. Anyway. I don't know what I'm posting for, I guess I'm posting because I'm trying to diffuse the severity of the situation in my mind by publishing it on a forum where people can read it and possibly make fun of it or pity me, making it more and more unreal and distorted in my mind, and in reality I guess. What a great first post.

paranoid schizophrenia much? go to a psych.

Make a friend in the class. Sit with this friend. If the prof is really doing something, the friend will see it too. Also, don't look at prof. Take notes and keep your eyes on your notebook. And if there's psych help available, go for it. Your stress needs relief, whatever the source.

This is what you should do.

Drop it.

Let it go.

You are panicking because you are stressed, and it really isn't a big of a deal as it seems.

Maybe he's not looking at you, maybe he just gazes in your general direction. I do that all the time. I can't see very far and people think I'm looking at them when I'm not.

Maybe he is looking at you. But so what? He's a psychologist. He's supposed to study people.

Or maybe you are just imagining it. Either way he will only remember you if you continue to make something of it.

So drop it.

Sounds like you totally busted him and he is afraid of getting fired. He should leave you alone now.

You are behaving in a panicked, paranoid way. The problem is yours, not the professor's. Talk to someone, drop the class, find another way to deal with your stress.


[Possible personal bias: I am a college professor. To me, it sounds as if you need counseling and this is likely the reaction that you will meet in your university. I think that it's not a bad idea since this is obviously having a negative impact on your education.]

My advice, don't panic. Get counselling, and don't feel ashamed.

I'm schizo affective bipolar, and my condition really affected my academic career. If I'd known I needed help it would have made a huge difference. Not saying this is your problem, but there's something. Perhaps just depression and panic. But you need to see someone, and learn not to feel bad, or victimised, or targetted. If I'd known twenty years ago what I know now my life would have been much better. It's worth finding out what is at the cause of this paranoia. It might make your life a whole lot better.

Don't let people convince you that you are the one with the problem. If it feels wrong, it probably is. Everyone else is telling you that you are making it up. If you are not paranoid in other areas, and it is just his instance, believe in yourself. Confronting them alone like you did is not really safe. It is more important that you tell others . You may not be the only one he has done this to.

Talking to a shrink is a good idea because they can help you with your self confidence. They also know how to go about finding out if you are the only one the professor behaved this way towards. People should never let down their guard when it comes to keeping themselves safe.

Your professor probably isn't fixated on you. You identify yourself as becoming easily fixated on a person or idea, and you seem to have an inkling that this may have more to do with you than with him. From the professor's side, he's dealing with a class of 300 students, in addition to his research load, and whatever other courses he may be teaching. He doesn't have time to do that and fixate on you as a student. I would very seriously suggest seeking counseling for this, rather than attempting to deal with it through your professor. He isn't trained for it and is more likely to resent being (as he would see it) dragged into your personal problems.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I went to class last Tuesday for the midterm, and saw him trying to make eye contact with me out of the corner of my eye several times. When I left, his eyes followed me across the room, and he looked kind of helpless. I'm sure I caught him in a lie.

I'm slightly paranoid in other situations, but never to the point of acting upon my suspicions. That's crazy talk. The thing that frustrates me most about this entire thing is that I'll never know if it was all a delusion, or if he was watching me. I'm quite sure he was, things line up disturbingly well. I'm a little insane generally, but not insane enough to start going off on something without a fruitful inkling to start from.

I really appreciated this comment. Nobody here has any idea what actually happened between us that day, and so it was quite frightening to have 4 or 5 of you immediately assume I had schizophrenia or a related disorder. I was especially surprised when someone who was actually a college professor him/herself reprimanded me so severely a couple posts above ^^, wow.
Anyway.

Thanks again everyone!

I don't think that professor was reprimanding you so much as trying to give you good advice. While I am unwilling to attempt to diagnose you over the internet (I am not a professional psychiatrist, nor do your posts provide sufficient information to do so reliably), you statements are consistent with some forms of paranoia. You say that you have observed subtle behaviors that line up very well with your belief that he is fixated, but none of these behaviors have been observed by anyone else. Additionally, it is a part of paranoia that non-related events can appear to the individual to be significant and related, when they are not. Either way, I think it would be worth your while to seek a professional with whom you can discuss your experiences in detail. As I suggested before, further contact with the professor on this matter can only harm your college career.

Well, he definitely stares at me in every class at this point, without a doubt. I also think he wants to clear the air between us, because he always comes very close to where I'm sitting, tries to stare directly into my eyes, and asks how 'everyone is' while trying to stare at me. At this point, I'll just turn my chair in the other direction and withdraw.

I won't speak to him again. I do feel bad because he'll always be curious about what happened that day, but c'est la vie.

Sure, now he's probably looking at you sometimes. You've confronted him about something in private, and he'll remember you now, no matter whether he knew who you were before or not.

Take a couple of hours or so and watch the old movie "The Paper Chase". In that movie, "Professor Kingsfield" acts exactly the same way toward "Hart", and Hart ultimately gets on top of the struggle within himself and is able to accept things as they are and do well in spite of the prof's continued eccentric behaviour. If you cannot find that movie anywhere else, NetFlix has it online and offers a free, two-week trial if you do not already have an account there. Personally, I began learning a *lot* from that movie several years ago. Kingsfield does not teach people *what* to think, he simply trains minds so people can think for themselves ... and yes, I know: That is just in the movies.