Meltdown at Orientation? :(

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I'm still in the assessment process, not officially diagnosed, but a lot of AS symptoms really resonate with my experiences in life. Two symptoms I've read about that I *didn't* initially identify with are meltdowns and hearing things too literally. Of course I've had my share of emotional breakdowns, but I thought they were always, you know, *caused* by something sh***y happening. And I can usually tell when someone's using a figure of speech, or being sarcastic, or making a joke, even though I do struggle with theory of mind and inferring intention in a lot of other ways.

So I wasn't expecting what happened today, and I guess I'm posting this to get feedback on whether or not this would be an Aspie meltdown, or something else entirely.

It's orientation week at my college, and this morning I went to a 2 hour new student program called "Learning to Learn: Math and Science". I was really looking forward to it, because it's been awhile since I was in school (I'm a returning adult student) and I will be a science major, so it seemed highly relevant. When I got there, the first thing the instructor did was break us up into groups for an activity that involved measuring and calculating the average height of our group members without using a ruler, or pencil and paper. Which I thought was a little silly, because I couldn't figure out what skills this was supposed to teach us, and in the real world you do have tools like rulers and calculators and paper and pencil. But I thought, whatever, I'll just go along. At the end, it turned out the main idea she was trying to impress on us was the importance of standardized units. I was a little irritated, because I personally feel like that concept could have been better demonstrated in a way that didn't suck up half an hour of time, and also I feel like teaching that concept doesn't fit with the program title of "learning to learn" for college. I mean they teach about units in middle school, and of course they are important, I fail to see why anyone would not see that just from studying science.
~*~
But anyway, then we sat back down, and she gave a short introduction about how sometimes, people have this mindset that certain types of people just aren't naturally good at certain subject, like "girls are bad at math". She said we may find it hard to believe, but people still think that way sometimes.

Then she said we would do a self-assessment, after which we would talk about what the results meant for us. So she put up a list of statements on the overhead and asked use to write down "true" if we believed the statement to accurately describe our beliefs about ourselves, and "false" if not.

The first statement was something like, "My intelligence is predetermined by genetics." And I couldn't figure out what to put, so I raised my hand, and said that it seemed like some of the statements weren't clear enough, and would she give definitions (like does predetermined mean, genetics absolutely determines my maximum IQ and what areas I'll be smartest in, or does it just mean genetics influences, but doesn't have complete control...). And she replied that no, whatever it means to you as it is. So I said, well, if I'm not sure, or I think the statement doesn't have a boolean response, should I just leave it blank?

And she got mad at me! I may be slow to understand nuance of emotion from facial cues but I'm not completely oblivious, and she was definitely mad. Her voice raised, and she said she just wanted people (meaning me) to be quiet and give others a chance to reflect on the statements.

Well, I was really surprised. In retrospect, I think she probably thought I was just being a smart-aleck, mouthing off because I thought the assignment was dumb. But really, I was just trying to understand, because my reasoning was, what is the use of a self-assessment to determine your learning style if you don't answer the questions accurately? I also think I may have raised my voice above what would be normal for asking a question - I wasn't trying to be confrontational, but in the past people have chided me to speak up, so I was just trying to be heard, but maybe I went overboard, I don't know.

Anyway, I don't think she understood that, because with her raised "authority" voice, she said that if I didn't want to do the assignment I didn't have to. I said, no, I did want to do it, that's why I was asking for clarification. And she shot back at me that "there is no right answer", which....I disagree. I mean, I understood that the assessment was about how I feel about my learning style/intelligence, but there are still right answers, because if I say "true" to something that doesn't describe me, that's not a right answer.

But I didn't say that, because A) I was confused about what had just happened and why she seemed so angry at me, and B) I had just started crying. I do sometimes cry when I am frustrated at not being able to communicate effectively, but I tried to hold it together so I wouldn't embarrass myself (as a twenty-freaking-six year old college student!).

Anyway, she noticed I was in tears, and asked if I was okay, did I want to step outside and talk? And I said yes I'm fine, no I don't. I think it came out kind of "brusque" and clipped, but I didn't know what else to say or how to say it. I did think I was fine - there was nothing materially wrong with me, I was confused and frustrated but my feelings weren't really hurt by her getting mad, I was crying more out of frustration than anything else, because the school I go to is supposed to be all about inclusiveness and dialogue and they really encourage students to ask questions and clarify and tell their instructors what they think, so I just didn't understand why the first question I asked should get such a negative reaction.

So I stayed in the classroom, crying a little bit as quietly as I could, and doing the assignment as best I could, partly because I did want to get the most out of the program, that is after all why I showed up in the first place, it's not a requirement. And also partly because I felt like my body had just gotten really stiff and I couldn't...figure out how to get out. I mean, I knew where the door was and that I was allowed to walk away, but I just...it didn't seem like an option, somehow, and my peripheral vision was kind of blurry and I didn't know what to do, so I just stayed, and tried not to be a distraction to others.

I listened carefully without making eye contact as she explained what the assessment was supposed to tell us about ourselves, and I held a short conversation through my still-intermittent tears when we were supposed to talk to our deskmate about our educational background. I finally walked out early about 45 minutes after I'd started crying, because I felt like I couldn't keep it together anymore enough to focus.

And I thought I would calm down once I had some time to myself in a quiet place, but I didn't. I sat in a bathroom stall for almost 20 minutes, fighting off full-blown, hyper-ventilating sobs. and when I felt like I couldn't get it under control anymore, I came out.

I walked around campus for the next 3 hours tearing up every few minutes. I felt guilty, because looking back I can see that there were things I misinterpreted, and I feel like I "brought this on myself" somehow.

1- I should have realized "Learning to Learn: Math and Science" wouldn't be a program to teach you math and science study skills. It's part of orientation week, so I guess I should have expected more "keep the freshmen busy" and "meet your neighbor" type activities.
2- I should have realized that the self-assessment, like her earlier activity of measuring without tools, was just supposed to be a thought-exercise to demonstrate some point she thought was important, not like a Meyer-Briggs test for learning styles.
3- Failing to realize #2, I should have just kept quiet and waited to hear the explanation. Why did I miss all the cues everyone else seems to have gotten that this was a trivial activity to be done alone in silence without discussion?


ANYWAY, if anyone's made it this far, is this an AS meltdown/shutdown? Is it something else? I've googled, but...I just don't know what to think anymore. All the stress hormones from crying probably aren't helping my brain figure this out, so I just want someone else's perspective. Thanks.

i've had similar meltdowns before but I've learned how to cope with stress to prevent melting.

Also, i removed the duplicate topic in the general discussion forum. if you want me to move this there, please send me a PM

Just a tip: things always look clearer in retrospect. Other than that, what you've just got to do is think about the "why" before you ask. Sometimes it will work, sometimes it won't, but try. If you still don't get it, think about how important it is that you understand whatever it is before it's explained. If it's an exam, and you don't get one of the questions, ask. For that, it's probably not worth potentially aggravating the instructor.

It is so disappointing to look forward to something and then for it to turn out so badly. Hugs to you.

I really appreciated reading this post, e-ebullient. I can remember not liking the "icebreaker" stuff they had us do at my freshman orientation. And it was disappointing, because I wanted to make friends, but the silly things they had us do didn't make any sense and just made the whole thing more stressful. My mother told me that this was because those things are always put together by extroverts; they don't realize how stressful it is for introverts.

Your description of what you were thinking through all of this was really good-- I think it actually clarified some of the experiences I can remember having. I remember times when something someone said made me begin to cry, and even though intellectually I figured out what misunderstanding had led to it and wanted to put it behind me, I could not stop myself from sobbing, sometimes for many minutes.

As for your question about whether this is a "meltdown," that's a good question, I think. "Meltdowns" are one thing associated with Asperger's that I thought didn't apply to me; I was never one to throw tantrums or anything like that. But if what you described could be considered a "meltdown" too, then maybe it has been true of me more times than I realized.

Then, on the other hand, I'm not entirely sure that the term "meltdown" is all that helpful. It's a *human* thing to cry when you are overwhelmed, not an Asperger's or autism thing. I think maybe the only reason people talk about "meltdowns" is that it can *seem* like a person with Asperger's or autism might fall apart "for no reason." But it's *never* for no reason. Your story very logically explained why you had the reaction you did. You were already in a stressful place, and you were honestly trying to do the right thing and ask for help, and the person responded angrily.

So maybe it both is, and it isn't, an Asperger's thing.

This sounds a lot like me. I'd classify it as a meltdown. Like you said other NT's just did the lesson you think logically what the hell does this have to do with science!! So I totally agree!! It's sad the teacher was angry with you. I hate when NT's do this. Oh I made X cry "Are you ok" (I think the NT teacher for example or other person) feels odd I made this person cry. As if there harsh remark wasn't mean. She expected you to do the work no fuss but you questioned it which IMO was a logical smart thing to do. This is my concern of being back on A College Campus. I'll see how it goes next semester.

I have meltdowns like this sometimes...... and I ask questions like the kind you asked all the time and get profs get really annoyed at me for this. I would have been bothered by the ambiguity of the 'genetics/intelligence" question.

I'll be honest- I self-medicated by eating pot-enhanced cookies right before going to my college orientation. I'm not saying everyone should do it, but it did make me see the funny/silly side to all that icebreaker stuff.
I think most NTs, however, already can see it as silly and funny. In retrospect, a lot of the icebreaking happens AFTER the session/class/seminar/whatever. You make eye-contact with someone as you're walking out the door together, crack a smile, and eventually one of you is gonna say, "Boy- that sure was a silly thing they had us do!" or, "Boy did I feel silly doing that exercise!". The other will agree, then you end up introducing yourselves to one another, and BOOM! You've just made a new acquaintance.
Another thing is- NEVER EVER come to something you're looking forward to with any pre-conceived notions, especially when there's a social aspect to it. That's what causes people to melt down the most, is when they have an idea of how things will turn out, which clashes completely with how things really end up going.

Gee, if I was in your shoes (at this point in my life), I would have just walked out and told the lady that I had better things to do then have my time wasted with their pseudo-psychobabble crap.

It's math. And what she just wasted time doing is the opposite of math.

bicentennialman, thanks for reminding me that it's not an AS thing - it's human. Okay, so my "overwhelming" is someone else's normal. Anyone else would still be reacting the same way if they were feeling what I was, and it helps to recognize that myself even if I can't possibly go around telling everyone else that.

FireMinstrel, I'd try that, but I have a hard time controlling my dose enough. If I go overboard, which happens all too easily, I stop feeling relaxed and mellowed and start feeling paranoid/anxious. =/ I'm going to try making tinctures soon, and hopefully that will give me more dose control. I didn't actually expect there to be a social side to this program - silly me, I thought "Learning to Learn" at a college would mean, you know....learning something.

zer0netgain, I wish I had walked out. I wish my brain wouldn't freeze up when I first realize I'm on a different page than everyone else, and I wish I had the communication skills to say exactly what I thought of her program, which can't have prepared anyone to be successful in math and science at all.

I'm still debating reporting this incident. On the one hand, I don't think her behavior was appropriate, even if she felt *my* behavior was inappropriate. I also don't think the college should advertise these programs in a way that misleads students into thinking they'll be learning study skills, when in fact it was just a fluffy little pep talk ("just apply yourself, you'll be good at science too!"). But on the other hand, I definitely DON'T want to speak to this woman pretty much ever again. I didn't much care for her even before she came out of left field and made me feel like an idiot (which is something the social contract at our school expressly forbids), and I don't want to get into a situation where I have to verbally explain anything to someone else. I don't know, I may just send her an anonymous email instead, explaining my side so she might realize that she completely misinterpreted the situation, too, it wasn't just me.

I also, since I don't have a diagnosis yet, haven't told my school that I may have AS. Until yesterday, I didn't really see it being a problem, and figured I wouldn't need any "accommodations." So I'm not sure if disclosing would be helpful, or just give people a reason to write me off as different/disabled.

It seems to me like you asked reasonable questions. There's nothing wrong with wanting clarifications on something you're unsure of. Plus it's not like you were interrupting her because you put your hand up.
I hate it when things you're looking forward to go wrong because then it's like ten times worse.
You may not have to see the woman again anyway.
Good luck with the rest of your orientation.

I think you need to give yourself permission to react to your new surroundings.

A change in occupation (like becoming a student again) is one the most stressful events in life, ranking right up there with a change in family composition and a change in residence. You have very likely built up a lot of expectations around what you will get from this new experience, along with anxiety about the change.

I think that your reaction to the orientation is perfectly understandable, but as you are well aware, it is the kind of thing that, if repeated, could have an impact on your academic performance. Students are often called upon to work in teams, and learn at the pace of the 70th percentile.

What I hope you will be able to do is conduct a regular "check-in" with yourself. Evaluate whether your expectations are being met, and if not, is that because the school is remiss, or because your expectations are too high? Evaluate whether you are coping with the stress of your new way of life. Many campuses have counselling services that are very used to dealing with the problems of students who are having trouble adjusting, and may be able to point you toward strategies that could help you with this.

Congratulations on your return to studies. I hope that it is fulfilling for you.

Most orientations, be it for work, school, whatever; are just silly meet-and-greet fluff. I always go into them expecting to meet new people and that's all. No matter what the name of the orientation is, I've learned to expect that. My chance to meet people and all.
At least they didn't make you do "trust falls" or something like that.