Secondary School is unbearable! Any tips for handling it?

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Hello!

I have had immense problems with Secondary School ever since I started and wondered if anyone else had had similar problems, and knew and ways to handle them or make them more bearable? Thank you

I am just going into year 10 at an all-girls Grammar school in England. Ever since I started at this school in year 7 I have had problems.
These are some of my problems.

- There is a two-week timetable, and I get confused with which week I am on. I sometimes mistake one week for another and turn up at school with the wrong set of books which of course I have to explain to every teacher I see, who even after I explain, still gives me a lecture on being organised. This makes me very nervous and I often spend the rest of the day obsessing about what that person said to me, instead of focusing on what I am meant to be doing.

-- My school is very unpredictable, at any time there might be a class change or a substitute teacher, or an assembly in the middle of a lesson. This often worries me as I like to know exactly what will happen throughout the day. I panic if someone says that there is a change in the timetable as we are usually told right at the last minute.

-- In assemblies, as with most schools, the entire school will assemble on the hall floor in rows. I get very claustrophobic when surrounded by so many people and often spend the entire time with my head in my hands staring at the floor, wishing it was over. I rarely have the courage to put up my hand and ask to be moved.

This often applies to classroom situations too, although it is not as bad, because we sit on chairs in class and there is more space.

-- When we are walking between classes, I get anxious because I dislike people walking behind me. Also the people in front of me will stop, either because they want to go into their locker, or to go in their bag, or to talk to their friends and this makes me panic because I have to suddenly stop, so the people behind me suddenly stop, and then they get annoyed with me.

My counsellor described this as "You are expecting to get from destination A to destination B without stopping. If someone stops, it throws you, and you think "What's going on?! Why did you stop?"" I think this is a good description.

-- I am frequently worried that I will be asked to answer questions in class. I very rarely raise my hand to answer voluntarily, and everybody in class is expected to contribute each lesson. I spend most of the lessons worrying and not paying attention, because I am thinking about when I will be picked to answer. I try to concentrate but it is often difficult.

-- I get distracted by little things like people walking past the window, trees moving in the wind, fiddling with pens/rubbers/paper etc., and end up missing a lot of some lessons and not getting my work completed which also bothers me immensely so I often don't even start my work.

-- I feel that school lasts such a long time, and the day drags on endlessly, problem after problem after problem. I feel fine when I finally get out of school - until 5 seconds later I realise that i have it all again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. And on Friday it's School On Monday. ... And the Next Day.

These problems all add up and make me very anxious at school, so much so that for most of this past year I have only been attending very minimal part-time. If I do not find a way to manage these things then I may not be able to go back for year 10 which would be a shame because I have come so far.

I did not have these problems in primary school because we stayed in the same classroom all day, and did everything at an exact set time. If something different was planned we were told beforehand. I still had some problems with assemblies but they were significantly shorter than the current ones so it did not last as long.

My school are aware that I do not cope well in that environment, and they have adapted by giving me a part-time timetable, but they are not aware of any of my counsellor or family's AS theories, and we are reluctant to explain to them, because I have not recieved an official diagnosis yet.

Does anybody have any good tips for surviving in the short-term or the long-term?

Thak you for your help
love Clara xxxx

Hi there Clara

It sounds like you're having a really tough time of it at the moment. Well done on getting to Year 10 in one piece!

Two week timetables are a bloody noghtmare. I remember when my school changed to a two week timetable, and it lost me entirely. I found drawing my timetable out, and colouring each subject a different colour helped me remember what I was doing when. A

A big calendar on your bedroom wall with "week A" and "week B" noted at the beginning of each week might help. It takes practice if you're not used to using a calendar, but it's worth it.

As for last minute timetable changes, I can't help. I can sympathise, as they really throw me out of synch too, but I haven't yet found a way of dealing with them.

Is there a school counsellor you could talk to? Or your SEN department. It won't hurt to say something like "whilst I haven't been diagnosed with AS, I do have some of the difficulites that AS brings. Can you help?"

Take care of yourself. If you get a chance, try and learn some relaxation techniques over teh summer holidays. If you can be more relaxed generally, stressors (such as timetable changes, people being erratic) don't have such a large effect when they occur, and you recover quicker.

Keep in touch

Robin

About the 'people stopping suddenly in the hall' thing, are you able to walk around them? My school hallways are really crowded during passing periods (which causes whole other issues) so I've learned to get in through even the smallest spaces around people without stopping. If you can't get around them and they're stopping to chat to friends, you can always just shove past them--it's their own damn fault for stopping suddenly in the middle of a crowded hallway, after all. Learning how to slip through tight spaces is very useful.

Queerpuppy's idea about color-coded timetables is a good one, too. I find that I actually miss block scheduling now that I go to a school without it because it interrupts my day to have to go to new classes all the time! If you can also remember what classes you were in the Friday before, you should also be able to figure out where you need to go on the rest of the week by extension. If a sudden timetable change occurs, see if you can follow your classmates to wherever you're going next. How good is your face recognition? Can you recognize students that you see in your classes, even if you don't know their names? Is there anyone you feel comfortable talking to or asking about schedule changes? If there is, you might want to try to find that person and ask what is happening so they can explain it to you when a schedule change occurs. If there is a sub, try to ignore him or her--I know that at my school, subs usually just hand out worksheets or have us watch movies until the regular teacher returns. Subs never teach lessons or do more than take roll or keep an eye on the students to make sure they behave. Does your school work differently?

For assemblies, I have problems with being that close to many people too. Thankfully my high school holds assemblies on the bleachers in the gym or on chairs in the auditorium, so I can usually handle it, but in elementary school assemblies were done the same way your school does it and it always bothered me quite a bit. If you can, try to sit on the edges of rows when you go to sit down. I know I feel much more comfortable when I have a wall or empty space on at least one side of me, and that way you don't have to ask to move. If you have to, hurry ahead to try to get to the assembly before anyone else. Punctuality generally means you can pick where to sit. Or if your teacher points you and your classmates to your seats, notify the teachers at the next teacher meeting (do you have an IEP or a regular meeting with your parents and teachers? If not, they're probably something that you should have. I don't know how it works in the UK, though) you have that you feel very uncomfortable in the middle of rows and ask to have them send you to an end-row spot. Do your best not to get forced into the situation to begin with; if you can't get an end-row seat, ask to go to the bathroom until you feel better. When I'm feeling especially claustrophobic, I often just sit in a stall until I have myself calmed down. Deep-breathing techniques can help with this, too.

If you can't shut out distractions outside the classroom, you might want to consider trying to sit as far away from the window as you can--say, in the corner of the classroom. If you have a seating chart, you can ask to change seats and explain why. Can you 'hyperfocus' on something you're interested in? If you can, try to do that with your teachers or your work. You should be able to complete it more easily that way.

Thank you both so much for your help!

I like the idea of the colour-coded timetable and calendars also. At the moment my timetable is a small A4 piece of paper pinned to the noticeboard in the downstairs hall, not the most helpful place I shall definitely try that.

I spoke to my school counsellor at the end of year 7, but I ended up avoiding her because I had told her that I would very much like home-schooling, and she gave me an information website for it. I showed my dad and he got very angry with my counsellor, because he told me strictly no home schooling, so I have never been able to go back to her. But there is a head of department that I would be able to speak with. We have regular meetings with her to discuss my progress. (but she talks so much, it is hard to find time to point out what I need to say )

I will try pushing past people in the halls when I go back to year 10. The year 10 locker hall is generally the busiest because it is also the smallest, but there is still hope that I can one of the lockers in the larger hallway. I shall ask my form tutor when she gives out the keys. That way there will be less chance of me having to use that hallway and I can go to my classes the longer way round if need be.

My classmates are very disjointed between classes, we all seem to leave at different times and get lost along the way. This past year I had one friend who sometimes waited with me.
My face recognition is not too bad. With people I know, I try to remember one or two prominent features so that I will remember them. The friend that waits for me, I remember her hair, height and nose (all of which are particularly prominent ) so I can see her right away.
But this year our class is split up again so we may be separated. But I am sure I will be able to find another person to cling on to

The subs in my school depend on the lesson. In some lessons, the subs just give us work, as you said, and then leave us to it. But in some lessons like maths, our school has subs that specialise in that subject so that they can teach like the regular teacher. (In those lessons I just try to switch off ) and sometimes our depouty-head takes lessons, when she is not too busy. I sincerely hope she is too busy, most of the time but I shall try not to worry too much about subs next year. I have been told to check the staff noticeboard each morning to see which teachers are out of school, so that I will know.

Our assemblies are done very infant-school way, you file into the hall in straight rows and sit down in straight rows on the floor, no-nonsense style. But I have decided that I shall try to talk to a teacher that I know, before I sit down, and ask them if I can sit on the edge of a row, or against the wall. If they say no, then I will go and sit in the bathrooms like you said, or go to the library as I do in spare lessons.

Thank you both very much for all of your ideas, and help, I feel better about next year already.
Love, Clara xxxxx