If anyone can help, please do.

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It's really hard for me to explain some things, and mostly I don't expect anyone to understand. It's harder to explain when I'm speaking, though, and it's easier to write. Sometimes, though, I panic and think, what if someone I know finds this? Someone from school? A teacher? What will happen then?

I panic a lot. When I'm surrounded by people, like a crowd, or sometimes just when we're doing groupwork in class and we're a bit squashed up. Or when I have to talk about me and my feelings; when I have to explain something. When I have to go see my teachers about something - homework, classwork, anything. I can't control it, and I can't calm down. It feels like I can't breathe sometimes.

Homework is another issue; I think I've mentioned this in another post as well. Classwork is beginning to follow the same pattern. I don't do it, and I don't know why. IF ANYONE CAN HELP WITH THIS IN ANY WAY I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT. It's not that I can't do it, that the work is too hard or I don't understand. The work is the right level for me, but I sometimes freak out a bit about starting. What if I do it wrong? If I get told off? What if everyone else is doing something completely different? Or if what I do is trash? If we have to plan for an assessment paper, or revise for a test, I'm thinking, how? How do you plan for something like that? I don't know what to do, I have the paper and pen in front of me. What do I write?

Also I don't tend to talk to people. Generally it's not the same as the panic attacks I mentioned above, because I'm not really panicking. I just don't know what to say or how to reply. What if I say something really - how do I describe this - off? Sometimes I just smile at the person and hope that'll work. However I have been asked a few times by various class members, "Why do you hate me so much?" I don't know how to explain that I don't actually hate them.

I also think about suicide a lot. I won't actually do it because I have tried it before and it didn't work, and I'm afraid it won't again. I know what I had to deal with after last time. I do get angry at myself sometimes; I am so self absorbed, other people have problems too, lots of them worse than mine. That's when I self-harm, mostly by punching my arm or something similar, because I'm so selfish feeling this way when I don't really have a reason to. People are worried about me, but they shouldn't be because I shouldn't be like this.

Please don't just tell me to relax, or whatever you want to say. Tell me how to relax, because that's what I need to know.

I understand most of your issues and we have some similarities.

I also do better when writing something than speaking.

I also have panic attacks. Medication works for me, an anti-anxiety medication. My therapist also suggested I get a service dog, which I plan to.
Some of the panic sounds like sensory issues - people crowding you and getting too close.

You may not like my advice regarding school but here it is - just do it! I understand, I've been in your shoes. I know how it feels and how frozen you can become afraid of "doing it wrong." But you just have to Force Yourself to get started, do the best you can, and let it go. This worked for me - I have a Master's Degree in Business Administration but I'd never gotten it if I'd given up. I had to fight the fear and do it anyway.

As far as people thinking you hate them, a good answer is "oh, it's nothing to do with you. I like you. I'm just quite."

I hope this helps.

It sounds like you always seem to expect the worst from people. If you say "Hello" to a girl, you imagine they'll say, "Who do you think you are, talking to me? What makes you think you're good enough?" If you write an essay, you imagine you'll get back a paper filled with red marks saying, "Why did you even bother turning this in? I'd rather you just didn't write anything and save me the 2 hours it took to interpret this garbage. What made you think it was good enough?" Chances are, you probably weren't criticized much more than the average person growing up, but as we often do, any off handed comment or remark became axioms imprinted into your memory, so you got the idea that it's better not to try at all than to try and fail, because the punishment for mistakes is too much to bear.

My only advice is to just say to yourself, "Don't be afraid." If you want to say hi to a person, just say hi and if they don't like it, f**k em. If you know what you want to say on an essay, say it. If it's wrong, you'll remember it for next time. School's a place to learn, not a place where you'[re already supposed to know and they just see how smart you are for 4 years. Don't let your GPA get in the way of your education.