College Has Been a Sort of Hell

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Has anyone hated their college experience?

I am 21 years old, and while I should be graduating like the rest of my 2008 Freshmen class, I have instead led a dismal academic record with two "medical leaves of absense" and, as of yesterday, am now on "personal withdraw". I am not certain I'll ever convince my family to invest in another semester again.

I am not diagnosed on the autism spectrum but I suspect I share many symptoms. Officially I am diagnosed adhd with general anxiety disorder (agoraphobia). I have several cousins with asperger's and I often wonder if....

In the past eleven months I've met with non-relatives on exactly nine occasions. I can almost recite word for word what someone has told me a year+ ago. I live alone with two cats. My mother visits every few weeks. I am not pleased with this lack of human grounding at all. The longer I go without humanity the more fidgety, aloof and awkward I become, exacerbating the problem. Yesterday I withdrew from my courses because the professors said I am inaudible when I speak in class, I am sometimes only loosely relevant and, most significantly, show terrible attendance. The world feels huge.

Last year I lived for two months in a university coop of some 140 people to save money. I never ate at meals and essentially starved because I was intimidated by all the people attacking the two food tables in mass until none was left. I'm too shy to ask for help especially when everyone else is showing no concern. I went insane a year ago and was hospitalized where they brainwashed me into disbelieving that I had met important people or influenced important things ... All of my "psychoticism" was either their misinformation or lack of appreciation that I actually had logistical reasoning and philosophical value in what I said; I was not invalid to shared reality. My reasoning for acting in strange humor and fidgeting constantly was poorly expressed because I was so anxious in that place it turned into maniacal anger when questioned at a hospital. I was a smartass that I guess is the same as insane/ just not in the sense they put in my records. I hated that coop: people everywhere, parties constantly, myself never sleeping because of that horrible loud dubstep...

I do not know how to begin to tell about the worst things that have happened in my college experience. I have always been shy but in my second year I tried to be more outgoing. I wound up in horrible situations/events after attending university marching band parties that have scarred me terrible. I think those assaults have caused me to be more shy than I would have been otherwise now.

All my graduate school and career dreams going into university are destroyed. I might not afford a return to even graduate undergrad. For now I'll focus on somehow miraculously getting a job that doesn't terrify me beyond accepting and maybe write a scifi novel. Aside from the successes and awards that high school let me grow accustomed to receiving, I miss friendships, board games, movie-gatherings and fun debate.... The past four years have been too many sad days, wtvr I am.

That sounds really stressful and scary, I am sorry it was like that for you. When I went to college the first time I was not ready for the experiences and responsibility either. It is ok to take a break until you are ready (for me it was five years later, and I spent the first four terrified of even going to college campuses).

Writing a sci fi novel is a fantastic idea and I would highly encourage you to get started. I love cats, too. You are definitely not alone in your experiences and feelings.