Emotional troubles in college/homesickness/a Smorgasbord!

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Hi everybody, this is my first post on this forum and as a guy who suspects himself of having NLD/Aspergers or something to that effect (a psychological evaluation strongly 'suspected' I had Aspergers), I was wondering if anybody here could merely listen in...

There are a few issues associated with school in my case- they include insecurity about intelligence and a resulting obsessiveness, and a very powerful emotional attachment to my family. I am currently a sophomore in my undergrad education.

I am planning on becoming a philosophy/psychology major because my mathematical skills are subpar at best- and my method of processing information is a consistent source of torment for me, and whenever I get a bad grade, I inevitably compare myself to people who do better and fling myself into horrible states of mind which only exacerbate the problem... I love 'thinking' about big issues in my head, but always feel that I have some intelligence which can never translate into something 'tangible'.

With regards to family, I can safely say that I suffer from separation anxiety/homesickness and that when at school, my mind sometimes ventures into thoughts of everybody I love/know aging and dying. Being away from my pets and mother at home is difficult. I willingly make a pretty long commute home (4 hours 20 minutes apparently ) regularly (as in weekly, or every other week), and while I have considered a transfer, I really don't want to upset anybody and want to make my mother happy. Then, I also think, at the end of the line, what will I be doing with my life after school? I feel like I want to be a child forever (not because I can't handle my own financial/material problems, this wouldn't be too difficult) but more because emotionally, I love my family (and pets) very much.

My roommates at school are nice... But they aren't 'like' me really. They love to drink and watch sports, not a very good match. At this point it's also too early to transfer, and I really hold nothing against them personally. I have friends in school whom I enjoy talking with. I love discussing commonalities of interest and philosophy with people. Whilst being introverted/moody, I can also become obsessive with my fields of interest and talk about them (interests include Jungian typology and video games).

"Weird' people that are like me generally tend to be in the school's honors program (which I am not a part of) so i feel very defeated- as if, I was stripped of the things that would make me a whole person, and consigned to a limbo of whining and inability.

I can be funny and outgoing with people who are into the things I like, though those people are few and far between. I'm not looking for a 'clone' of myself and appreciate differences in people- though this can understandably only go so far.

I've tried counseling, and talking about stuff has helped a lot, though some form of anxiety always persists.

Just gonna leave this here, and hi to the site

Hello and welcome to WP!

I read through your post and I sort of understand what you mean. I'm a sophomore now, majoring in psychology. I'm not in an honors program either, and I do get what you mean by "weird" people like us often being in them. Still, since you're still a sophomore, there's still time to make up for that. My advice would be to only take modules you really enjoy. Boy does it make a difference. You'll actually want to study, and it'll be much easier to do well.

Do remember that you'll have to take a course in statistics if you're planning to major in psychology. (And then again if you're going to grad school). It's hell on people who aren't good at math, but if you can find a good student to tutor you, you'll do fine. Try not to compare yourself to others. I have to admit I do that a lot; I have an IQ of 148 but a GPA of only 3.19 while my friends with lower IQs have GPAs of 3.8. Just think of it this way: We're wired differently, but that doesn't make us worse. (Besides, I honestly don't think IQ makes a huge difference in grades and it definitely doesn't guarantee school smarts.)

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I hope you'll be able to learn to cope with this. You will eventually have to learn to live as an adult, so the best time to start is now. If you're afraid of being separated from your mother, think of it this way: learning to be an independent adult will make her proud of you, and you'll be able to support her more financially, emotionally, etc. Rest assured it won't necessarily result in increased separation from her.

As for friends, well, this is the eternal bane of an aspie's life! It's already great that you can get along with most people and that you have friends who share the same interests as you so you probably have a good chance of finding a friend like you.

Hi and welcome

The first thing I will say is that a lot of the things you've said resonate with me. I went to uni at 18 and was meant to go into halls, but came home after one night and ended up commuting the rest of my degree (fortunately it was just about within daily commuting distance, which you're clearly not) Because of that I missed out on a lot of the things that went along with college, but I really wasn't emotionally ready for it. I only overcame that fear this last year when I spent a year in London doing my MA, and then to begin with, I came home a lot at weekends.

Anxiety always makes this stuff worse. It makes you think in a really stupid way that you know isn't logical but you can't stop it. All you can do is try and distract yourself and focus on your routine and hope it goes away.

I think you're really brave, getting through to this point. You've nothing at all to be ashamed of. On the contrary, you're willing to talk about your problems, you have other people like counsellors you've got involved, and you acknowledge your weaknesses and ask for help. Those things make you extremely strong as a person. It's far weaker to pretend you're fine when you know you're not.

In terms of your course, your brain works theoretically rather than practically, correct? If you feel happier doing a more theoretical course then you should follow that path. I wouldn't worry too much about intelligence. If you can grasp the theories of psychology and philosophy and actively want to pursue them then you are smart.

My major was Pre-Modern Japanese Literature. For fun I read random scrawled Japanese that looks like a spider died having a fit across the page, and I wrote about obscure samurai figures that the vast majority of the academic world prefer to pretend don't exist. I taught myself Japanese from scratch because this is what I love. BUT I cannot remember people's phone numbers and I get lost if I walk too far outside of an area I know extremely well, because I have no sense of direction. Everyone's skills balance

I know one thing about US universities and that is that they make you do a lot of random general subjects before letting you specialise (in the UK you specialise from the start, and so are saved doing pointless modules in subjects you had already had your fill of when you left school). That might be what's holding you back, because right now you have to do a variety...but as you progress, you'll get more into your area of interest, and therefore it will become more enjoyable and more productive for you as a student. You might also meet yet more people who share your interests, and that can only be good, right? I would not transfer at this point - transferring would mean getting to know a whole new environment, new people, new teachers, and it might not be a better fit than the one you're at now.

I understand the separation anxiety - I'm quite certain that I have the biggest issue with that, even now at the age I am and with the experiences I have. Both my parents have health problems so I worry about being away from them longterm. However, you said you want to make your mother happy. I had a conversation with my mother just this evening about studying and the potential for my going abroad, and she said that she didn't want to hold me back - that I had to do what made me happy. I guess what I'm saying is that making you happy will make your mother happy. She probably worries about you, but I'm sure she's also real proud of you.

And if you want to go home every week or every other week, go. If it helps you cope, then do it. You're doing nothing wrong and you needn't be ashamed of it. Everyone manages differently.

I would also suggest: Go try and get a formal diagnosis for ASD if you're convinced you have it. My reason being that if you have a diagnosis, most academic institutions (at least, in the UK) have support for Autism. They seem to expect it at university level here and it helped me so much having that during my MA course.

Also, it's not about comparing yourself with everyone else. You can't achieve that way. If you are autistic, you probably won't ever see the world the way they do anyhow, and shouldn't try to. It's enough to slot in with the way things work in general, but thinking outside of the box is a real talent and one companies and academic institutions are always looking for.

It's hard if you have ASD to move from age stage to age stage. I am 30, but I didn't really feel I'd entered adulthood till a year or two ago. It's a slow transition and you have to do it at your own speed. Everyone who knows me says I look and act like I'm in my early 20s, because that's where I am, aspergically speaking. Because we develop more slowly in terms of growing up and emotional and social development, we encounter more anxiety, because the world races past us and we can't keep up. Finish your degree and do the things you love, but don't try and rush into something just because it's "normal" to do it. You'll find your own place at your own speed - meanwhile, enjoy college life while you can.

I wish I had an instant fix for you. Going away to school is such an adjustment for lots of students, but can especially challenging for people who have an ASD (or strongly suspect they might have an ASD, as in your case.) Does it help at all to use something like Skype so you can see your family and pets?
I'm praying for you, Honey. If you can find just one person who shares an interest, it can make all the difference. Good luck, and send me a message if you just need a friendly ear.

Hi all,
I appreciate your postings on separation anxiety. You all are very brave to have moved away from family/friends to pursue your education. I was never brave enough to do that when I went to college.

I have a 23 year old son (undiagnosed, but I'm certain he is on the spectrum) who went to a local JC for 4 years after HS. This past August, in his junior year of univ. he transferred 2+ hours away to a state univ. to pursue a degree in video game design. He has never lived away from home before and he made the choice to go to this school, as they have his degree program. No other public univ. in our state has this program. Now after 3 months and 3 trips home (he has a car at school) he has decided that he hates the big city where this school is located and wants to leave at the end of this semester. He says he'll see a counselor, but is adamant about leaving in Dec. and not going back to that school. There are no schools that he can transfer to mid-year, and if he wants to attend another univ. next fall he has two weeks to find it and apply. It took us 12 months to get him accepted at his current school.

He is doing well in his classes (he is in a BFA program and doesn't think he's much of an artist), but the program is not exactly what he thought it would be. He has 4 roommates that he gets along with, they have much different interests than him (he likes D&D, Magic, Amtgard) they have an apartment/dorm and each person has their own room. He only has classes 4 days a week, no job (won't get one!) and is not able/willing to join any of the school clubs other than the game design clubs. He has way too much time on his hands, but I feel he will regret leaving now in the years to come. Plus we (parents) and he have taken out several thousand $$ in loans so he could go to this school. He wants to transfer to creative writing for games, which is a program this school also has.

Any advice from those of you that are experiencing this homesickness/urge to cut and run? We have given him permission to come home any weekend he needs to, but we're trying to hold firm that he at least needs to complete 1 full year (2 semesters) before he leaves this school. Thanks for your words of wisdom.

A worried mom!

I wish I could send my son your son's direction. My 21-year-old can talk D&D and Magic the gathering and video games until the cows come home.

But I can't get him off the couch without actually evicting him from the house, and he isn't ready to be on his own. (We tried once. He got a staph infection and didn't have insurance and it was just nasty.)

If I had any words of advice, I would share. Does the school have the option of online classes?

I wish we could get them together too. We're in No. CA, our son is in San Jose at school. He's bound an determined to move back "close to us", but we have no universities near us that have anything close to video game design. Now he's decided that he's going to major in creative writing, so he can write for video game creation companies. He can do that anywhere, but what can one do with a creative writing degree? I just want him to be able to get a job.

Dad and I are older parents, we both have health challenges and have taken on a lot of debt to make sure he could make this transition. I'm at wits end. We're seeing his old therapist tomorrow....but we've got a Leo kid that when he gets an idea in his head CANNOT be budged. I'm so scared that if/when he finally quits school and moves home (he refuses to get a job to support himself) he'll be shooting himself in the foot, educationally and career-wise for good. We had to expend so much $$$ and it took a year to get him accepted in this school, I don't know how we can do this again. This kid will not do this on his own, and unless he grows up big-time quickly, we'll have him on our couch till he's 40 and we die!

Not a happy mom today. We've put so much into this, family-wise, and we thought finally, at 23, he was ready to transition in the world. He is only 2 hours from home and is welcome any weekend. As his therapist said, "he's a really black and white guy". In his mind, if he's unhappy it is time to quit! Life is not going to be happy for him and I'm WORRIED!

I completely understand the fear there. I am convinced my 21-year-old may never be ready to leave, even though his little brother drives him through the roof. We put him in the smallest bedroom when he returned home, so he isn't nearly as comfortable as he was when he lived here in high school, but he still shows no signs of moving toward independence. I have tried everything I know to teach both of my boys to stand on their own two feet, but I must have missed something along the way.

On the positive side, a doctorate in creative writing would enable your son to teach on the college level. He could teach at the community college level with a Master's. College teaching is a pretty good fit for many people on the spectrum because of the comparative level of autonomy. He could even teach online. It might not be Plan A, but it would make a creative degree worthwhile.

Hi!
First of all, I need to say that I don't have Aspergers, but I felt like I needed to tell you this. You seems like a perfectly normal person to me.

Somebody told you here that people with Aspergers don't want to grow up or don't mature that fast but honestly I don't want to grow up either! I am 24 years old, I was always a really good student, I am close to getting my degree in Literature and anyway I still come home as much as I can. Because I miss my mom and our animals. My dad died 4 years ago and I am always worry that somebody might die or something bad might happen too. Although those thoughts torture me and I wish I could relax more. I think that the distance made you realize how family important in your life is. And it should. And it's not easy. And so many other people don't want to stop feeling as a child and there's nothing wrong with it.

So many people I met at uni and dorms are allot more immature than you would guess, and the reason why they are happy cause they're not at home is cause they are free from parents to drink, party or have sex with whoever they want. I personally find them irresponsible and immature in so many ways. Because some of my ex friends are so immature and egocentric and emotionally illiterate and just plain selfish and unable of understanding my loss and people having other perspectives on life.

Everyone has emotional problems when going to uni. Some people I know even started going to therapy cause so many things changed in their life and they weren't ready and it's normal for everyone even though it sometimes does not seem like that.
Girls in dorms called they're parents crying whenever they had an argument with their roommate or felt homesick or not comfortable in the new enviroment. It happened to so many people!

I have to say that I don't go to therapy anymore cause I found therapists uninterested too and misleading and I don't want to take drugs that damage so many organs and increase the risk of stroke and other damages. But most of the therapists told me, and recently I think I realized it was true, that falling in love and having an intimate relationship with someone would make me feel allot more better. And it really does help in so many ways. Being connected with someone is very healthy. Although 85% of people are with someone just to be with them, and I know it's not easy to find someone who really is the right person for us, it just doesn't happen that often in one's lifetime, when you find a person that understands you well and make you feel at ease and good about yourself it can be allot more different.

You seem very aware and brave and with good insight of yourself to me, very well articulated as well. And most of people of your age would not even look for answers or be aware of themselves the way you are. You seem like a really smart person. You don't seem different in an odd way. Everyone is different from the next person and so many people that would not go along well cause of their differences.
Perhaps you are just not motivated to hang out with some people cause they are diagnosed with being a douches , or just immature and irresponsible cause they didn't have anything to worry about while growing up.

Just keep asking questions and looking for answers about yourself like you seem to do. That is the path of self development and you seem on the great way as a matter of act.

Very best wishes!
Jelena