Advice please!

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Hi there,

My 7 year old son has just been given the preliminary diagnosis of AS and I'm pretty convinced that the diagnosis is correct. The main problem we are having at the moment is with school and I'm hoping that you may be the best ones to give me advice on how to help my son.

At home we allow him to do and be who and what he wants as long as he gets homework and chores done and comes to the tables for meals and doesn't upset his little brother or the pets!! He enjoys playing board games with us and reading to me or playing with his brother but the majority of his time is alone. (Which is fine by me) Of course at school he doesn't have this freedom and it's a great source of anxiety for him. He feels he must be in control at school and it takes a lot out of him. He says he knows he is different from the other kids but doesn't believe that that's ok. He is academically above average but a perfectionist and as he has gone up the grades is having to work that little bit harder which also makes him anxious because he feels he has to get everything right. I could go on but the main thing is he is now refusing to go to school. His special needs teacher (who has been involved since the diagnosis last November) says to make him go at all costs. She says he has to be given a stricter routine and I have to be firm and uncompromising. From your perspective (anyone?!) do you think that is right?

I am sure there is no bullying going on although there were problems a couple of years ago with that and I know that he likes his class teacher and has people he considers his friends in his class. He tells me he is bored at school and that makes him feel scared. He struggles to explain things to me but this morning that was what he said.

Please help. Am I making things worse for him by making him go or should I keep up the pressure and find other ways to help him?

Thanks in advance,

Joe's Mum.

Well, first and foremost, I'm not a parent. I have no parenting experience. Please don't take it as such.

Is he being challenged by the material? If he's getting bored, the current level of coursework may simply be too easy for him. Getting him bumped up a grade may work. This isn't ever a perfect solution though. (This is where I actually have experience...) It is possible that kids in the higher grade level will attack him for being younger. When all of his classmates are learning to drive (don't know if this will be an issue, but if it is...) he will be stuck watching them. I guess when in the year he was born could change how much of an impact this has. I was born in November, and put a year ahead. Definitely caused a couple of problems, but there isn't a guarantee of problems. It is an option though.

Some form of alternative schooling may also work well. I have no idea what is available in that respect, in general or specifically where you are, so all I can do is mention it in passing.

Also, you might get more parents responding in the Parents Discussion forum. That advice would likely be better than something written during a period of procrastination by a college student.

Hi shadexiii,

Thanks for replying. I tried to reply before but the message got lost somewhere!

I have also posted on the parents forum but I felt it may help to get the perspective of someone that has been there personally. Obviously everyone is different so what works for one person wouldn't work for another but any advice would be gratefully received because forcing him to go seems to be making it worse but that's the advice the so- called expert is giving me! I want some real expert advice!

Sadly Joe is already the youngest in his year so there's no way he can be moved but thanks for the suggestion.

The real question for me is am I hurting him by making him go? In my eyes I'm breaking his trust by forcing him into a situation that he feels unable to explain to me. Does that make sense?

Thanks again,

Joe's mum.

Well, the business about having a more strict routine is ridiculous. If he works well with less structure, that's how he works best. Of course the school probably won't be willing / able to fully accommodate him in that respect, but to suggest that forcing him to have an environment closer to that in his school, one that clearly isn't working well, would work best, that isn't the best idea, in my opinion at least.

Making sure he stays focused and interested in school is important. I lost focus early, and have had one hell of a time getting it back. How to maintain that, well, that I can't really give much input on.

As for the perfectionism stuff, well, that can be a good thing, as long as the pressure is somehow removed. I didn't ever really work my hardest, because I didn't want that pressure. I felt that once I had established that I could do well, that that would be where the bar was set, and anything less wouldn't be "ok." I'm not sure how to assure him that that isn't the case, but that would be my recommendation.

I don't think you are breaking his trust. Making him uncomfortable, possibly, but it simply isn't possible to create a life that will be free from discomfort. While the lack of control over the situation can be incredibly draining (thankfully school wasn't the area that I dealt with that), it likely won't be the last time that he gets that kind of feeling. I feel like I'm sounding like my parents at this point, but sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. That isn't to say that he should just "deal" with it, if there are ways to make it easier for him, by all means, pursue them.

If he is having difficulty explaining what he feels about it, address that. Work on the communication. I don't want to sound like I'm saying "force him to talk," but encourage him to express what he's feeling however he can.

He does need to go to school, even if he isn't comfortable. If anything, that is the one thing I agree with in regard to the special ed teacher. If a setback can be avoided in a way that won't cause him unnecessary or severe distress, then it should be avoided. Having him get behind on academics would be such a setback.

I feel like I'm rambling on, probably repeating myself. I'll blame the time of day for that one. Lastly, home-schooling. Even if that is a possibility, I wouldn't recommend it yet. I don't have any experience with it myself, but it is my (non-professional) opinion that completely removing him from the social aspect of school at this age, even if he isn't all that social, wouldn't be helpful. Looking back, home-schooling might have helped me some academically, if my parents could have managed it. Even though I had a lot of difficulty socially, simply being around people, even if I didn't really enjoy it, gave me an opportunity to observe them. To learn what "normal" interactions were about, even though I still have difficulty understanding some of them. Well, some is a "nice" estimate, probably a lot.

ok, I'm having trouble keeping track of all my thoughts on this, I think I've written enough for now though. Hopefully I got most of the key things down that I was thinking of.

I had similar issues as a child, my mother ended up pulling me out of school and homeschooling me until high school. I used to have mixed feelings about this, but now I feel she made the correct decision for me...she dosent use this site though.

As difficult as it was being in school forced me to develop social skills and coping mechanisms that I never would have learned otherwise. I wasn't diagnosed until my Senior year of highschool so I never had AS to use as an excuse for not having many friends and not fitting in with everyone else. My parents said that they would have probably used AS as an excuse to not push me to get involved in things or make friends if they had known back then. Now I'm glad I didn't know then because I am better equiped to face the challenges that AS presents. Different things work for different people but in my case if my parents had removed me from school I would have very few if any skills to cope with college life.