10 May 2015, 1:09 pm
Hey all! First off I can say that I am undiagnosed, but most likely have some form of mild autism. I am not able to understand social cues, facial expressions, body language, hidden meaning and am the last to understand jokes. I have always hated smalltalk and social gatherings. I don't think that I could ever be intimate with another person. I hate being touched, even by my own parents, and I always shy away. Much of the reason why my parents haven't taken me to a psychologist for a diagnosis I think is because I was among the best in sports growing up, which from what I understand is very atypical for children with autism.
Since I was so good at school, I have always set very high expectations for myself. Two years ago I moved from my family to start studying at NTNU in Trondheim (I am Norwegian), going for the five year MsC. computer science program. I was very lucky I thought, because my parents bought an apartment for me located a three minutes' walk only from campus. The first two weeks were hell on earth basically. The first day, the first-years were divided into groups lead by sophomores, who showed us the campus site and all the facilities. The consecutive days it was mostly drinking and partying (as you probably guessed). I forced myself to participate in the two first parties, but that was enough. I participated in a couple more of the other arranged activities though, and made one friend.
I was glad when the two weeks were over, and I could finally start focusing on what I had moved here for; studying. The first year of college wasn't exactly a success. The friend that I managed to make was a very social type, with high social intelligence. Some of the courses were also pretty difficult, like circuitry (which I take no interest in, lab course), physics (also lab course 
). In the end I ended up failing five courses, probably due to my problems with abstract thinking, but also motivation trouble. The friend I made wasn't what one would call a "true" friend. We never did anything apart from working with school-related stuff at campus. I never invited him to my apartment or anything. I always had severe trouble inviting childhood friends home, because I knew it would be awkward eventually, because of how I am and I wouldn't know how to make them leave. During the first year the "friend" and I drifted apart, and after last summer, had no more contact.
This school-year I have spent taking the courses I failed, and mostly sitting for myself inside, isolated. The only time I go outside is when going to the gym to do cardio exercises, grocery shopping and sporadically going to lectures. Honestly, I don't know if I can take four or more years of this. I know that nothing is going to change during this time. I have stopped forcing myself to socialize, because my social skills and intelligence aren't improving anyway, and I will only end up losing the friends that I possibly make. I have always had high ambitions to reach far in this world, whereas my biggest was eventually ending up in Silicon Valley or at least landing a proper job as a software engineer here in Norway. My U.S. dream is a bust as I would never survive in or adapt to a new country when I can't even do this in a city in my own country. I am also very skeptical to how I would do in a job interview in competition with people with high social intelligence. I'm not even sure if I could hold a job long-term. To make it all worse, I'm not sure anymore if coding is something I'd want to do as a full time job either. I think coding can be fun, but more like as a hobby a couple of hours in the evening. My entire life I've thought that education is the most important thing in the world, and worked my ass off to get the grades I needed in high school, but now I'm not so sure anymore. I feel very lost at the moment.
I haven't really talked to my parents about this, as I have a very hard time talking about feelings. They call me almost every day asking how everything is, and I tell them everything is OK. I think they suspect though, that everything is not as good as I tell them. They know that I am very asocial. Should I open up and tell them how lost I feel? Should I air the idea of possibly moving back in with them and my brother? I have had some success in the stock market and have recently bought several books on investment and technical analysis, and I'm confident I would eventually succeed as a trader, since I believe I have the required analytical skills. I have always been very interested in the stock market, and have made a series of good investments. Reading stock market information and investing is something I could do full term, so I wouldn't be without income. Living with my parents for a couple of more years would also give very little expenses. I could also take a degree at the local community college, although it wouldn't be what I had hoped for, at least then I would have people around me. It's not like I can't ever go back to college either, as there is a lot that could happen in autism research the next 10-15 years. My generation can also expect to live a lot longer than previous generations due the massive interest that has gathered around life extension and the funding that goes into it. Back home, I also have a few very good friends to hang out with.
I have also realized that I will never be self-supported to the degree that is to be expected of adults. I have never in my 22 years of living bought any clothes. E.g. the thought of going to IKEA buying furniture makes me sick. I would never be able to initialize something like that.
What do you think? Should I try to open up to my parents, and airing the idea of possibly moving back?
09 Jun 2015, 1:07 pm
