Coworker advice

Post Reply New Topic

So, it's been a long time since I've been on this site.


I have a coworker who I am trying to be friends with and having a little trouble here.

He and I both have AS, but I feel that I can't get through to him at all.

For example:

He takes the bus everywhere and I offered to take him home and see if he wanted to grab some lunch. All I said it doesn't matter to me if he came or not, but he kept asking me if it was something I wanted to do. I felt like he was just not answering the question that I asked.

Anyways, he pretty much asked if we were having an Asperger moment and I said no (in front of other coworkers). NOTE: He has no problem telling people he has AS. Me, on the other hand, tell people only when I feel I need to.

I want to be his friend, in a manner of speaking, because I feel like he may want to have someone who he can relate to and talk about things. I don't wanna be friends tho if he plans on discussing AS stuff in front of people whom we both work with and don't know I have it.

Also, everyone else seems to not like the guy that are our other coworkers.

So, I'm kind of on the fence about my own personal dealings with wanting to keep AS on a tight leash.

Any ideas?

Thanks

I'd encourage him not to talk about AS, especially as it relates to you having AS.

It's none of the other workers' business, frankly.

It's laudable that you want to be the guy's friend. However, his responses make me feel that your regard for him is not reciprocated. You'll probably feel, as a result, that you are dong "most of the work" within the relationship.

I hope you could persuade the guy to be more understanding as to your feelings pertaining to the mention of AS within a working environment. The feelings are quite justifiable, actually, owing to peoples' ingrained prejudices.

As for advice: I would not be so forthcoming as to wanting to be his friend. I would "force" him to reciprocate. Otherwise, you'll be "holding the short end of the stick."

My guess, because he sounds a lot like me, would be that he's insecure as all Hell. He's used to having most interactions be, or at least thinking that most interactions are, made out of obligation, charitable kindness, or outright pity. He keeps asking if it's something you want to do because, if he's going to take the risk of becoming friends with you, he wants it to be because he's someone you like before he's someone you want to help.

I'm generalizing my own point of view onto him, of course, because his actions remind me a great deal of my own.

As far as discussing AS publically goes, I imagine he's doing it because he needs someone, or more likely multiple someones, to say "I like you anyway, you're a good worker anyway, hell I like you and find you a good worker BECAUSE." Basically, he cannot find a way to get HIMSELF out of shame, so he's hunting around for "Get Out of Shame Free" cards. Plural, because much like landing on "Go To Jail" in Monopoly, shame always comes back and, if you can't get yourself out, you always need another card.

I'd tell him that, explicitly and outright, you're not comfortable with discussing it in public. It's not that it's something shameful to hide, but people can be really stupid and besides, you don't want it to be that big a part of your identity and you would rather it be something that people not know about you. You're willing to discuss it-- over Chinese food and a couple of beers (or whatever) at your place. Sandwiches in the park at lunch, whatever.

With that said-- Dude, your job is to get along civilly with your coworkers and do your job. Your job is not to act as therapist for your coworker, even if he is a fellow Aspie (and I do want to praise you for giving a damn, because we do need to look out for our own). It's sweet, it's kind, it's socially responsible and even Christlike. But-- if you do not have some common ground other than Asperger's with the guy and would not choose to be friends on the basis of that common ground and finding his personality pleasant and agreeable enough, then you have no obligation to be his friend. And trying to be a freelance therapist to a friend or relative is dangerous enough-- trying to be a freelance therapist to a coworker is probably going to blow up in your face and result in some really unpleasant office politics.

If you can't answer that really annoying question (which I've asked thousands of times in my life) about it being something that you want to do in the affirmative, and mean it (probably several times over, because I figure that he does not see himself as a desirable friend and it trying to be considerate of that fact), then the kindest thing you could probably do is quietly suggest a good therapist, have a copy of his/her business card to give the guy, and step back with a good-hearted, "I'll be here if you decide you're ready to hang out."

Case in point: I'm out of the closet to exactly three of my "coworkers" (in the case of a SAHM, "coworkers" are parents of same-age children at my kids' various schools). I came out to one of them because her daughter has OCD, ADHD, and bi-polar disorder, and raising this kid with any degree of faith in the child at all seems to be a massive struggle for her. I opened up about my Aperger's, agoraphobia, and MDD (and my son's ADHD and parent-induced GAD) because I felt that SOMEONE should show her that it is possible to have a life even as a walking talking bowl of alphabet soup.

I came out to one half because he is in the process of getting his son evaluated for something that may or may not be Asperger's, but looks enough like it to me that it's what comes to mind (high anxiety, fear of new situations, raging temper, preference for playing alone or with one other child even when multiple other children are present, blah-blah-blah). The other half of the reason, I'll outline below.

I came out to the other one because WE were starting to seem like friends in our own right (instead of simply because our kids went to school together-- one of them also has a son my daughter's age and an older son that my son was friends with already). I figured, if we were looking at taking a chance on forming adult friendships, they had a right to know what they were picking up and, besides, I would at some point have to take off the very quiet, very polite ABA-graduate best behavior that I wear in the interest of being tolerated at arm's length instead of being flat-out rejected (and having my kids rejected by default) by the other parents. It's tolerable for hanging out for half an hour after school three days a week; it's too draining for visiting people at home or having people over for multiple-hour parent-present playdates (of which several are mandatory before I will take a chance on being left on my own with someone else's kid).

Even though we're hanging out in someone's living room or back yard, I have to check myself (and thanks for reminding me to do so) from making frequent references. Basically because I think about it a lot, I'm insecure as all Hell about whether I am a good and desirable person as-is (be that in spite of or in some ways because of ASD), and because I'm shopping for that Get Out of Shame Free Card-- basically, other peoples' validation in order to externally validate my own desire to like and accept who I am and know I'm doing a good job of managing it.