The stress is the killer, isn't it?

Page 2 of 3 [ 37 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3 Next

Joined: 4 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 27,302
Location: Pacific Northwest

15 Dec 2010, 1:06 pm

I used to get stressed on my job in Montana because we had tons of linen. But I kept at it because I wanted to work so bad.

I can't imagine my own husband quitting, it stress me out. I also don't think I can work 80 hours a week. 40 I can but not 80.

_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.

DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

15 Dec 2010, 2:40 pm

Metal_Man wrote:

Adderall is not going to fix a job you don't like. Being in a job you don't like and are not a good fit for will not be fixed by an antidepressant.

I think that's the hard part. He does and does not like this job. There are parts he really, really likes but as in any job there is bad stuff that comes with the good, and you just can't eliminate it. He likes the work itself; he can't handle the deadlines, the interruptions, and the pressure.

Now that I've talked him into hanging on just a little while longer, he's saying maybe he can stay in it. I'm really not so sure, and that wasn't what I was trying to force him to do. My point was just stay until the bonus is in, because that is a huge chunk of change, only a few weeks away, but now that I focused him on that one check, he's overly focusing on money in general. I've actually got a job offer already, but it would be a solid cut in pay (what does one expect when I haven't worked full time in 15 years?), but I think we'd be earning enough (it is a really good offer, all things considered), but he's feeling the cut is too much and he's back to trying to figure out how to make this job work. I don't know how to get through to him that I don't want him to do it for "me" or the kids; we'll be FINE. But he always feels so hyper responsible, you know? Who knows for sure; I don't think he always says what he wants to say, just sometimes says what he thinks he should say. Man, he expects so much of himself ... too much. Sigh.

_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).

DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

15 Dec 2010, 2:47 pm

RICKY5 wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

RICKY5 wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

My AS husband is about to quit another job. He just can't handle it. There is always something. If a job is easy, it's a dead end and he's bored. If it's not easy he can't handle the stress. So finally, after years of wishing he could do something different, he gets the kind of job he thought he really wanted. 3 years in, and he's breaking. It's quit or get fired. I should see it coming, but I'm still never ready for it. What a conundrum. To have so much talent, yet so much difficulty applying it in the real world. I love him to death, but I can't fix it, and the stress on me is huge. I'll have to take a full time job myself, and I'm not sure the kids are ready for that, and my other ducks aren't lined up well enough for that transition to go smoothly. Looking towards the future, I also wish I knew how to make it better for our son, but who knows if we'll be able to improve the end result.

Not looking for answers or advice. Just ... I know a bunch of you can relate. Sometimes it's just good to feel less alone.

Have you considered putting him on adderall? It works wonders.

I can't say that *I* can put him on anything and, no, I don't think he'd go for it. Does leave me wondering if it could make him happier, though ... still, not my decision, and not something that is really mine to bring up, either.

Adderall XR kicks ass on many levels. It would probably make him happier. Dirt cheap with insurance too. It basically gives you a major leg up.

As for being an Aspie among office monkeys, think Dexter Season 1 Episode 1 (bringing in donuts or cookies included) for how to act.

YOU SHOULD BRING IT UP!

You are in the same boat with him, marriage means shared finances last time I checked.

I know we're all in one financial boat but every marriage has it's unwritten rules and ours are that certain things are private business. His health choices are in the private business column, as are mine. If he brings it up to me, then I get to chew it over and consider it, but when he doesn't, I don't. He really, really resents it when anyone tries to tell him what to do about any aspect of his life, and as a partner in this relationship that is something I know and give allowance for. I guess it would be different if I hadn't kept a few fingers in my career all these years, but I have, and I did it just for this type of situation. I've always known his work situation can get tricky; accepting that was another part of our unwritten rules, and so I've covered the bases. I've never wanted him to feel like the family all rests on his shoulders, but he does anyway ... I can't change that.

If you all really, really really think it would help him, I'll try to figure out if I could bring it up without pissing him off, but I don't know ... we just don't "do" that sort of thing as a couple, throw that kind of advice out there on something so intensely personal. And I really think he'd resent the suggestion.

_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 15 Dec 2010, 2:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

leejosepho
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Sep 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,011
Location: 200 miles south of Little Rock

15 Dec 2010, 2:48 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:

Now that I've talked him into hanging on just a little while longer, he's saying maybe he can stay in it. I'm really not so sure, and that wasn't what I was trying to force him to do. My point was just stay until the bonus is in ...

Sometimes just knowing I *do* have the option of *not* doing something forever can help make it possible to keep going on for at least a while longer ... and maybe that is part of how the two of you can continue working together without working each other along the way.

_________________
I began looking for someone like me when I was five ...
My search ended at 59 ... right here on WrongPlanet.
==================================

DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

15 Dec 2010, 2:57 pm

leejosepho wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

Yes, I think knowing there is a back up in place is helping. But the problem with the back up is that it's in place this week, not next week, and when that ship sails it is likely to be gone for a full year or more. This is the second time in 3 years I've gone to the same man for an offer, and if I turn it down again, he'll hire someone else, and what are the odds he'll be willing to talk a 3rd time next year? I guess that is what is driving me nuts about my husband starting to change his mind. If last week he was cracking and nothing is really changing, then won't he still end up cracking, no matter how much he wants to believe he won't? Last week he tells me he is quitting or fired, so I call in chips, and get results, but if he stays in this job then I CAN'T act on the informal offer, because the balance in the family won't work, so now I'm back on the seesaw having no clue what is happening. When I got the informal offer I thought I was feeling good about things flipping, and me becoming the breadwinner; the idea was settling in. Now, I'm back on the rough waves.

Well, just talking it out. Decisions like this are never going to happen easy, are they?

_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).

leejosepho
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Sep 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,011
Location: 200 miles south of Little Rock

15 Dec 2010, 3:12 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:

... so now I'm back on the seesaw having no clue what is happening ...

Well, just talking it out. Decisions like this are never going to happen easy, are they?

Yes, I had thought of that ... and therein lies the challenge of never knowing what card to actually play.

Tell your husband you would prefer to accept the offer so he can have a break for a while, but you and I both know he must be allowed to make that decision as to giving his own notice and returning to "Mr. Mom" on his own.

Life is hard and then we die, yet it really can be enjoyable when done together along the way.

_________________
I began looking for someone like me when I was five ...
My search ended at 59 ... right here on WrongPlanet.
==================================

DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

15 Dec 2010, 7:19 pm

leejosepho wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

... so now I'm back on the seesaw having no clue what is happening ...

Well, just talking it out. Decisions like this are never going to happen easy, are they?

Thanks.

After checking around a little bit it turns out my contact is actually willing to be really generous. It may be less than my husband currently makes, but it would be one heck of a good deal for someone who hasn't worked full time for 15 years. Maybe he's scared I'll fall flat on my face? I could, I guess, but ...

Well, husband is out of town for a few days and we'll see where his head is at when he gets back, and I'll make sure he knows that I think I've been given a very good opportunity. Then, you're right, he has to decide.

_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).

DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

15 Dec 2010, 7:21 pm

League_Girl wrote:

Few people can do 80. There is a reason 40 is the norm. I'm looking at doing 80%, ie 32 average.

_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).

RICKY5
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Dec 2009
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,201

15 Dec 2010, 11:33 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:

RICKY5 wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

RICKY5 wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

Have you considered putting him on adderall? It works wonders.

High functioning AS people tend to put nearly everything on their shoulders. That's part of why I'm just not really that interested in a relationship.

leejosepho
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Sep 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,011
Location: 200 miles south of Little Rock

16 Dec 2010, 8:56 am

RICKY5 wrote:

High functioning AS people tend to put nearly everything on their shoulders. That's part of why I'm just not really that interested in a relationship.

Some background info: There was no way I could have ever even heard about AS/HFA until I was in my 30s (in the 1980s), and even then I still did not hear of it until my 50s and then actually discover it for myself until 59.

I understand your statement about AS/HFA people tending to put nearly everything on their shoulders, but I think our inability to meet the challenge is a better reason for being cautious about relationships. I did not come even close to doing even a half-decent job of being a husband to my first wife and father to our two daughters, and now we all suffer because of that ... and I still "carry the weight" of thinking I really should be able to do something about that.

_________________
I began looking for someone like me when I was five ...
My search ended at 59 ... right here on WrongPlanet.
==================================

DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

16 Dec 2010, 2:06 pm

leejosepho wrote:

RICKY5 wrote:

High functioning AS people tend to put nearly everything on their shoulders. That's part of why I'm just not really that interested in a relationship.

Again, leejosepho, I'm sorry for all you've gone through.

Interesting conversation on the taking on everything. I agree, I think my husband does that. And my son, as well. What they expect of themselves is WAY above what normal people expect of themselves. It is that they buy the illusion of what they think NT's accomplish, and are always trying to live up to it, or is it more of a perfectionist thing? or to compensate for some unknown obstacle? My son goes to school sick. If he's able to move, isn't throwing up, and isn't burning with fever (in which case the school prohibits attendance), I can't stop him. He's GOT to keep on top of it, do what is expected, move forward. Too much stress for him if we hold him back from that need. My husband, when I talk to him about lightening the load, will keep saying it has to be done, or that is what everyone expects, and so on ... he's so focused on not disappointing everyone that he doesn't stop and assess if he's even capable of performing. Which would be why he blows up inappropriately at some point. Is there anything to do with all this, or do I just accept, and keep backup plans running in the background (basically what I've done to date)? It would be nice to alter the pattern but, while I have altered many patterns with both of them, I haven't gotten far on this one.

_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).

leejosepho
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Sep 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,011
Location: 200 miles south of Little Rock

16 Dec 2010, 2:30 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:

Again, leejosepho, I'm sorry for all you've gone through.

I hope I did not seem to be complaining!

DW_a_mom wrote:

What [my husband and my son] expect of themselves is WAY above what normal people expect of themselves. It is that they buy the illusion of what they think NT's accomplish, and are always trying to live up to it, or is it more of a perfectionist thing?

Personally, I have just always been what someone else once described to me as "a driven man" ... and I tend to think the anthropologist might be best at analyzing that. With or without actually being competitive, some of us simply must strive to be the best we might perceive any man to ever be in whatever we do. Other factors can later enter into that, of course, such as rising to a specific challenge or obstacle or whatever, but I think our initial "drive" is there simply because it inherently exists within us.

DW_a_mom wrote:

My husband, when I talk to him about lightening the load, will keep saying it has to be done, or that is what everyone expects, and so on ... he's so focused on not disappointing everyone that he doesn't stop and assess if he's even capable of performing.

I hope he is consciously pacing himself a bit. I began doing that a few years ago, but not soon enough to avoid stumbling before I got to the finish line.

DW_a_mom wrote:

Is there anything to do with all this, or do I just accept, and keep backup plans running in the background (basically what I've done to date)?

Without being subversive or deceitfully secretive, I would suggest you keep some pin money aside for rainy days. While still doing whatever little I can, I have suggested that to my own wife.

_________________
I began looking for someone like me when I was five ...
My search ended at 59 ... right here on WrongPlanet.
==================================

Metal_Man
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 3 Feb 2007
Age: 57
Gender: Male
Posts: 895
Location: The Gates of Babylon

17 Dec 2010, 12:06 am

I would put the weight of everything on my shoulders too. As an Aspie i think we do it to compensate for a social failures. Because we cannot compete in the social arena we try to make up for it in other ways. Being the best at work, technically and working long hours, because we can't play the social game. I've been where your husband is right now. He is lucky to have a wife that is understanding and ready to help lighten the load.

_________________
Can't get it right, no matter what I do, guess I'll just be me and keep F!@#$%G up for you!
It goes on and on and on, it's Heaven and Hell! Ronnie James Dio - He was simply the greatest R.I.P.

katzefrau
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Apr 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,835
Location: emerald city

17 Dec 2010, 12:18 am

Metal_Man wrote:

well said. i do all that too. i don't know my own limits until i've severely overstepped them and then it is too late to salvage the situation.

_________________
Now a penguin may look very strange in a living room, but a living room looks very strange to a penguin.

DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

17 Dec 2010, 1:54 am

leejosepho wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

Again, leejosepho, I'm sorry for all you've gone through.

I hope I did not seem to be complaining!

No worries! The whole point was to share some frustration with others who might "get" it, right? Well, you do. More than your share. I'm sad for that, but it fits right into the conversation.

_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).

DW_a_mom
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 Feb 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,689
Location: Northern California

17 Dec 2010, 1:59 am

katzefrau wrote:

Metal_Man wrote:

well said. i do all that too. i don't know my own limits until i've severely overstepped them and then it is too late to salvage the situation.

Definitely my husband. I really wish I was better at just lifting stuff off of him ... as in quietly, nicely, so he won't feel beholding to it.

You all have helped me a lot. With understanding where he is coming from, and just getting a grip on the situation. Still don't know what's going to happen, but I'm getting more comfortable with the temporary uncertainty and the possibility of a major change.

_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).

Page 2 of 3 [ 37 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3 Next

Jump to:

The stress is the killer, isn't it? Post Reply New Topic

The stress is the killer, isn't it?