Lack of communication in the work place

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Miyah
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06 Feb 2010, 7:59 am

I work in an environment with a lot of teasing and a lack of communication. The owner of the company and I had a meeting with both my job coaches because I felt like there was a lot of unprofessional behavior and unnecessary comments that were being said. I felt like she was talking down to me or making short snotty comments like, "No one is going to listen to you," and then she would sit there and give me the silent treatment until I would leave humiliated. She also would act really snotty about my actions and not really pull me to the side to tell me why and when something wasn't appropriate. Instead, she left me confused and I got the general idea that she didn't like me very much and I felt like she was always leaving me out of things because I didn't fit in socially.

So, I tried telling her how I felt, and this is what I got.

"You are the one who has been talking down to other people around here and you act like you are better than anyone else. Every time I am back there, you talk down to others."

What is your feedback?



Logan5
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09 Feb 2010, 9:59 am

Miyah,

In the past, I have been accused of similar things and I did not (and do not) understand why, beyond the fact that I have communication difficulties. My 'solution' is to try to keep my mouth shut and stay focused on my work. At my current job they are okay with that, but at other places this resulted in me being labeled "not a team player".

My current employer has clear policies against bullying and harassment. At other places being quiet might result in more teasing. I find offensive hand gestures < http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Finger_(gesture) > to be a simple and quiet way to respond to teasing, although be careful who you do this around (e.g. do not do this in front of customers).

(If you live in a country where the middle finger < http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Middle_finger > is considered to be an offensive gesture, a somewhat more subtle form involves using the thumb to hold the little finger against the palm, extending the first three fingers, and saying to the other person, "Read between the lines".)

Unfortunately, in your situation it sounds like the owner of the company is not only unhelpful, but part of the problem as well. Ultimately, you may have to seek employment elsewhere. :(


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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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10 Feb 2010, 5:16 pm

Miyah wrote:
. . . Instead, she left me confused and I got the general idea that she didn't like me very much and I felt like she was always leaving me out of things because I didn't fit in socially.

So, I tried telling her how I felt, and this is what I got. . .


Imagine for a moment if she had been a good boss:

‘Wow, gosh, you know I don’t like thinking that, but yeah, you might be right. You might be right. You know, if I do that, it’s the press of events, it’s not that I don’t appreciate your work, for I do appreciate your work. Tell you what, let me finish this mailout . . . and then we’ll sit down and talk.’
[maybe too long, but a person in a position of power can do that]
[and taking blame rather as the default course of action and in an effort to build a bridge with the other person, again a person in a position of power can do that, the rest of us, maybe not so much]
[and the boss can also give herself or himself time if ambushed]
[and kind of the fiction that it's 'the press of events,' but that might be okay if she turns things around]

So, you might have better social skills than your boss!

And please remember, it’s all about engagement (engagement with the situation, engagement with the other person, and engagement and appreciation of yourself), not conformity.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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10 Feb 2010, 5:18 pm

Logan5 wrote:
. . . Unfortunately, in your situation it sounds like the owner of the company is not only unhelpful, but part of the problem as well. Ultimately, you may have to seek employment elsewhere. :(


Yeah, unfortunately, I think Logan5 is probably right. Now, the conventional advice is “It’s easier to find a job with a job.” I personally have a hard time with a job that grinds me down, grinds me down, and I prefer to quit more on my own terms. But trust your gut instincts, play the feel and texture of the situation.


And you might also consider saying to your job coach:

“When she did that, it hurt a great deal.”

“And it’s unfair.”



Rakshasa72
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12 Feb 2010, 1:51 am

I think it's the Aspie literalness that doesn't react well to teasing. You can see that NTs do it all the time to each other and, don't seem to mind much. It's something that I've never been able to come to grips with. Unfortunately teasing appears to be some kind of social game that NTs play with each other. They seem to think that if your not participating there is something wrong with you.

At the same time our Formality of Speach and Literal interpritation of rules can grate agains others and, cause us to appear to be putting on airs or talking down to others. I know atleast one job where I worked that this may have contributed to an early lay-off for me.

I don't think that I have an answer for this. I struggle with the same problem too at times. Not participating doesn't seem to help much either.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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15 Feb 2010, 8:04 pm

The funny thing is, many so-called normal people don’t know how to nicely tease either. The person doing the teasing seems to get into a mindset of auditioning and trying to excel and trying to overdo, of all-sending and no-receiving. And very often they start off by saying something complicated which the other person can’t really follow.

Interestingly, doesn't this sound a lot like aspie communication style! Yes, it does.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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15 Feb 2010, 8:06 pm

A nice way to tease might be as follows: Be open to small things about the other person that you sincerely appreciate. Briefly bring it up in a straightforward way, and see if you can ping-pong it back and forth. Maybe just a nice smile from the other person, and leave it at that. That might be the communicative response. (and a little bit of communication equals a lot of complicated presentation)



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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15 Feb 2010, 8:07 pm

Miyah wrote:

. . . So, I tried telling her how I felt, and this is what I got.

"You are the one who has been talking down to other people around here and you act like you are better than anyone else. Every time I am back there, you talk down to others."

What is your feedback?


This is not even teasing. This is just a lash back. The owner is “defending” herself by attacking you, when she doesn’t need to at all. It is very immature behavior. She's acting at approximately the 9th grade level.



Miyah
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21 Feb 2010, 10:22 pm

AardvarkGoodSwimmer wrote:
Miyah wrote:

. . . So, I tried telling her how I felt, and this is what I got.

"You are the one who has been talking down to other people around here and you act like you are better than anyone else. Every time I am back there, you talk down to others."

What is your feedback?


This is not even teasing. This is just a lash back. The owner is “defending” herself by attacking you, when she doesn’t need to at all. It is very immature behavior. She's acting at approximately the 9th grade level.


She does have the tendency to act like a teenager in high school who has to act like she is better than everyone else who is beneath her because she happens to be a social prep.