Afraid to do minor tasks, for no good reason

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I've only recently discovered that I probably have AS, so I'm still learning what that means. In many ways it is so very freeing because now I can see that many of my "quirks" that I couldn't "fix" are probably just from having Asperger's. I've learned many new workarounds, and am happy with my results.

I read, in one of Temple Grandin's books, that she was afraid to answer the phone or open the mail, and I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO able to relate to that. I always thought there was something very wrong with me because I so strongly resisted answering the phone or opening mail. I don't know what I was afraid of, but I definitely avoided these tasks because I was afraid to do them.

Does anyone else relate to this? How have you dealt with it?

I relate. That's why all my mail is piling up.

Caller ID and an answering machine makes phones a lot easier. If it's important they can leave a message and you can call them back on your own time.
With mail, usually you can tell by the envelope what's in it.. so you can sort out the bills and stuff you have to respond to, throw out the obvious junk.. though with me, the non-essential mail usually ends up ignored or responded to ridiculously late.

Yeah, I don't even like listening to my voicemail. If they don't spring something on you by calling, they leave it ready to pounce in the voicemail box. But most of my mail is junk.

I get a lot of my bills on-line (www.epost.com), and my correspondence is all email. This gives me the distance I need - it's not so spooky this way.

As for telephones, I have an answering machine and call display, and I don't pick up. Even my doctor knows that email reaches me and telephones don't.

Here's an old joke I just remembered: I rented a cottage at the beach; it has no conveniences except that it doesn't have a telephone.

I struggle with mail, too. It's a perfectionist thing, it's something you're going to be criticized for. (Plus, everything is defined in the bank's terms. It's a six page bill for the cell phone service. 6 pages! Etc. Etc.)

With the phone, I think the problem is that I didn't call them, they called me, which not only interrupts what I'm in the middle of and focused on, but it leaves me no time to prepare for what I'm going to say. I say really stupid things when caught off guard and unprepared.

With the mail, it's almost always someone wanting something from me ... something that I don't have or want to give them. But that doesn't explain why I'm afraid to open it.

I think it's perfectly logical for you to be afraid of something that is never good. Think of Pavlov's dogs - what if the bell meant something yucky - the dogs would develop avoidance. You're only being human.

See if you an get all your bills on email - so much less stress! Do you bank by email? If yes, they probably have a list of creditors they accept payment for.

I always feel a twinge of anxiety before I go to open my e-mail. I thought I was the only one!

I don't mind answering the mail or the phone, but sending mail or calling someone really freaks me out. The duties and responsibilities bound up in these seemingly simple actions are sometimes too much to bear. I hate to inconvenience anyone, so I don't call unless I know what they are doing when I call.

EXACTLY!! !! !! !! !! !! !

Boy, what a Catch 22.

I understand it. Because you can't see what they're doing and they won't tell you they can't talk, so you try to ask whether they can talk and because so many people don't know how to let someone down gently, they weenie out and don't admit that they were in fact running out the door because they figure they would rather give you a couple of minutes than make the effort to say, "I do want to talk to you, could I call you back later?" either because they don't want to be bothered to call back or for whatever reason... and you get started on what you have to discuss and they have to break in and stop you because they run out of time. Or if you're calling a business, it's brutal. Because they so often have no patience at all and since they can't see you, you can't show them you're not done talking by not actually leaving yet so they tend to cut you off or they in fact act like you are wasting their precious time because you don't answer them fast enough...

My mom is the worst. She'll talk for a little while and then just fall silent... no "uh-huh" or so much as a grunt while you tell her something. So you pause and wait, thinking maybe you weren't letting her get a word in, and the silence just sits there like a pile of paste while you wonder why she isn't saying anything. So you try to say something you think suggests a need for a response and get nothing. Then if she doesn't say it herself, it's left to you to say with some embarrassment, "Well, I guess you're probably getting tired, so I'd better let you go." But that's not it, the truth is you can't take it any more, it's your pet peeve to have people ignore you, and it's worse over the phone.

Et cetera.

Do you think your Mom might be trying to find something really smart to say, rather than something that's merely good enough?

In my work I do a lot of secretarial-type tasks. The phone is one of them. I don't do too bad, but I simply dread every time it rings.

I'm the same way at home. The phone is there, but I don't like talking to people on it.

Nah, she sorta shuts down. If she can't think of anything good enough while she's still "on" she'll say something noncommittal, the usual small words and sounds that show someone's listening. I do tend to get going when I talk, so I not only get self-conscious when I realize I've done so but in recognizing it I try to slow down and leave room for response. Most people will seize that opportunity and respond, even if it's only to say they have to get off the phone. I can deal with that. I've done a lot better at it recently. But I suspect my mom never did get me and after a while she just sorta switches off... at least, without getting some indication from her as to why she isn't talking, that's the best I have been able to surmise. I could say, "Why aren't you saying anything?" but it seems fairly aggressive, and I'm not sure I want the answer on such blunt terms.

Actually, I wish she would think before speaking more often. When I told her I was expecting my third kid (not mentioning the screaming anxiety that I was feeling, wondering if I could handle it), she promptly asked if I thought I could handle three and whether I had wanted to have another. No congratulations, nothing. I said we hadn't done anything to prevent it, meaning we were reasonably open to the idea (until it happened, hee. It's fine now, btw, the aforementioned baby is almost four and very fun). She said, "That's the mistake your sister made." Oh, so now my kid is a mistake? But I digress. Suffice to say, she isn't even all that fun to speak to in person when she gets like that.

My frustration is that people will fall silent and you have no idea what's going on. I know I talk a lot... when I fail to stop myself. And yet it never fails to be a scorching humiliation when I realize that someone has clammed up and gone about their business while they let me prattle on. I would rather have people talk to me about a problem instead of being cheap and humoring me so that they don't have to get a spine. Yet I get more people being cheap and humoring me.

It's no wonder I dread e-mails, phone calls (especially incoming, since I ramble on about my topics but other people's questions make me draw a blank) and even message board responses. Especially those.

Has anyone noticed that this board has a lot less of the overly emotional, leaping to conclusions sorts of replies? Or does it just seem that way because I usually confine myself to hobby boards?