Someone up there is f*cking with me

Post Reply New Topic

A week ago, I had two strong job prospects. Both seemed to really like what I had to offer, and one called me and made an offer. I asked for some time to think it over (so I could give the other prospect time to contact me). In the interim, found out an old college friend was going to rent a house, and was looking for roomates. I was thrilled, because, with at least one job a sure thing, I'd be making enough to get out of my parents house once and for all.

As you can probably guess, it didn't turn out that way. The prospect now things they might use me on a project that won't start for several months (and in the film business, that's a lifetime in which a lot can happen to eff that up). And when I called to accept the other job, I learned that because of some bureaucratic/administrative BS, they had to rescind the offer and hire from within (it's a University).

So a week ago things were finally coming together, nine awful months after I was laid off. It didn't seem there was a way I could lose. Things were going to be okay.

Then, "HA, gotcha you pathetic loser!" It's all gone, and now I'm back to where I was. I don't make enough by freelancing, and work is harder than hell to find. Either there are others more qualified than me, or I'm over qualified for the position. It's like I'm an unperson, unwanted and unneeded. And being stuck at home, with little money, my social life has suffered, and my romantic life remains, as always, on life support, with me fighting the temptation to pull the plug.

Someone is out to get to me. Someone up there sees me as a little joke, his own plaything.

As I was out driving this evening, I said outloud, "f**k you to hell, God," and I absolutely mean it. I hope there is a god, and one day I can meet him and say what a piece of s**t he is, that he should beg ME, beg all of us for forgiveness for what he's put us through.

Moreover, I don't need him. I reject him from every aspect of my life. He's set me up for failure at every turn: gave me AS, gave me a weak body that constantly got hurt and prevented my becoming a good athlete. Made love and companionship all but impossible because of my ugliness and my eccentricities. And now he even tries to deny me a way to exercise one of the few gifts I have. To hell with him. I'm GONNA succeed on MY OWN. I'm gonna MAKE IT. I'm gonna do great things, make great works of art, and hopefully make good money doing it, so I can enjoy the things in life I've long been denied. I'm gonna do it, if I have to sell my soul, which I have offered numerous times. I'll say it here: My soul for $$$$$$$$$. Devil make me an offer.

Dont be so quick to blame God. You seem to have quite an attitude, could that be part of the problem? God isnt a "Holy Concierge", you have to work at it. Getting laid off sucks, but i got FIRED from my last job, i pounded the pavement and found another job exactly one week later, its even a better job!

Check your attitude, God may be upset, if i were Him i would be too, but God does not take it out on us. God may be pissed at me, but i gave Him good reason, we all have.

yeah, and im in the process of making a parody webcomic that shows the thoughts and lives of "god" and "Satan" among other things.

Where do you get this notion that God is supposed to make life go your way all the time?

It's just that I'm so frustrated at this point, and feel so alone, like the deck is hopelessly stacked against me. I don't sit around waiting for things to fall into my lap. I've been working hard, searching for jobs for the last nine months, failing even to get interviews, either because I'm over qualified, or not qualified enough. I've had to work odd jobs just to make a little extra money and all the while I'm stuck with my parents without enough money to get my own place, to move forward with my life. Still I kept working, and finally, finally, seemed like I was getting some results.

That's what I'm angry about. I don't expect God to had me everything. I'm mad because I think he's throwing a lot of s**t my way. It seemed like my work had paid off and I had a job offer, and on top of that, a potential to room with an old friend in a nice house in an area full of young people (I currently live in a goddamn suburb full of empty nesters and couples...no singles in sight!).

And then in five minutes it's all yanked away, and I'm mad that and I feel I've been jerked around. All my friends are doing so well, making good money, buying houses, getting married and having kids. I've been to four goddamn weddings in six weeks, and in a week alone, four people I know gave birth to kids. I want to be happy for them, and yet, I just get angrier. I've worked as hard as them, often times harder, and yet I've got so much less. It's bad enough I was born with this wretched AS, which leaves us all cursed to be poor at socializing and completely aware of it (people with full-blown autism are LUCKY....at least they don't know what they're missing).

Why are some so f*cking blessed, while others get nothing but sadness, failure and disappointment for all their efforts?
Am I being tested? If so, how long before I've passed, and I can just LIVE MY GODDAMN LIFE? For a decade I've pursued my career dreams in spite of just about every obstacle you could imagine. I endured them all. What more does it take to prove my committment? Why so many more hurdles?

I just really feel that God hates me, or created me for his amusement, his torture, and I despise him for it!

God is a dick. Seriously, what an a**hole. You know, if he exists.

He's not worthy of your worship.