suck at giving verbal updates - is it part of asperger's ?

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I have self-diagnosed Asperger's, I've looked at all the diagnostic criteria for 4 different methods and fit them all. Mostly, it's a relief to know why I feel like I'm from another planet...

I have a question tho, and maybe someone here can help. I'm very anxious talking to people now because I've gotten it wrong so much and it's hard for me to initiate conversations. I work with computers because I thought I wouldn't have to deal with people so much.

My boss's boss wants me to give her verbal updates. "just stop by my cubicle and let me know what's going on". It's always hard for me to make that first step and actually interrupt her to talk. Sometimes I give her too much, but mostly, apparently, I give her too little. I honestly don't know what she wants. If I don't have anything new to report, what am I going to say ? I got a bad review because I don't "communicate with her enough". I send my boss regular detailed written reports. I don't understand why she needs sound bites too. Can't he do it ? I'm very anxious about it. She's so negative it's hard to overcome my reluctance to approach her. Is this part of Asperger's or something else ? I'm afraid I'm going to get fired over this. Why can't I just write it ?

I have similar problems sometimes. For me, it's not a regular event, but if I run into the division head, he will ask me how things are going. It seems like if I say that anything is wrong, he overreacts. I think that it is just his problem, that he is just a nervous individual.

In your case, your boss's boss may be concerned that she is not getting enough information about what is really happening. Very often, the person on top has a very distorted picture about what is really happening. The middle managers tend to present things too optimistically, to make themselves look good. If this is what is happening, then it is a good thing, even if is stressful to you.

LadyDi, I know some of what you're going through in this. Maybe my experience will help, and maybe it won't.

I share your challenges with initiating conversations. I mostly just don't see the point in it, but I cognitively recognize that something we must do in the workplace. I had a problem with this in my last job, and it cost me. Finally my boss and I came up with some good solutions (ok, *he* came up with them) but by then it was basically too late.

The first thing he wanted me to practice was simply saying "Good morning" or "How was your weekend?" or some other nicety. Initially this did not go well. I'd see him and say, "Good morning." He'd say, "Good morning." And I would wonder "now what?". Or I'd say "Good morning" and he'd say "Good morning" and I'd say "That is all" and walk off. This wasn't quite the spirit of the thing, apparently. Eventually he spelled it out: "Do you remember that on Friday I said something about Billy's basketball tournament? Now that it's Monday, you could ask me about it. Maybe you care and maybe you don't, but if you ask about it it tells me that you are paying attention to things. It's a polite conversation starter." Ok, fine. There's that. At first it felt really stupid and artificial, but over time it got better.

The next thing we did was schedule a weekly 1/2-hour meeting, just the two of us. (There was also a department meeting with five people to discuss the project list.) I would come to the one-on-one meeting with general updates on projects I was working on, and a list of any questions I might have that needed his attention. He would have questions for me, also, and occasionally would give me new tasks. We might also talk about how things were going with the job and how I was feeling about it. The main purpose of this meeting was to keep things from getting out of control, either project-wise or personally. Theoretically, we could stop small issues from becoming big ones.

Next, we had me practice summarizing conversations at their conclusions. This was a big deal, because it allowed him to hear what I thought was important about what we'd talked about, and if I got it wrong, he'd be able to clarify things right away. This kept me from going too far down the wrong path with a project or task.

Finally, I practiced "taking a partner" on tasks. This might be him, or might be one of two other people in the department. The idea was that I'd have someone who knew what I was up to, so that they could offer suggestions and monitor my progress. Again, the goal was to stop small issues from becoming big ones.

Put it all together, and it looked like this:

The scene: A typical office setting on a Monday morning. It is 9:27 a.m., and most people have been at work since 8:00. I've re-oriented myself to my priority list, and have cleared the weekend's e-mails. I have a question for the boss, and anyway, it's time to poke my head in. I walk to his office, and find the door is open and he's not on the phone.

Me: "Happy Monday, Richard."
Him: "Good morning to you, blastoff. How was your weekend?"
Me: "It was restful, thanks. Did you and Billy go fishing, like you'd planned?"
Him: "Yes, and all we caught was pneumonia."
Me: "I'm sorry to hear that. (pause) Would this be a good time for me to talk with you about the Larsen project, or would you like to wait for our weekly meeting on Wednesday?"
Him: "I've only got a couple of minutes before my conference call to France, but I'd like to hear what you've got going on if you can make it brief. Let's do it now."
Me: "Great. I just have one question, and a comment. Here's my question...."
Him: "(Answer) It sounds like you have it under control. I'd recommend working with Matilda to complete the project."
Me: "Ok, sounds good. Let me summarize: Work with Matilda to complete the Larsen project, and report back to you on Wednesday. Meanwhile, if I have any more questions, I'll send them to you in an email."
Him: "Excellent. I'll see you later."

Do you see the point of all this? Does it make sense? Sort of? What made it possible for me was that my boss helped me structure it so that it made sense. Maybe you could work with your boss in a similar way. Setting up a standing meeting (even 15 min a week) might be a great place to start. Then, as you get more comfortable with this person, you would feel freer to "just stop by."

Sorry that got so long. Hope it helped.

blastoff -
Yes, that is helpful. and I've been sort of doing that. I was told I spent to much time in the computer room and needed to be "more visible". So I would come out and walk around. Then I was told I looked aloof. So I practiced wearing a big smile. I can say "I'm fine thank you, how are you ?" If I can remember anything (like the fished trip) I might bring it up, but mostly I don't have anything to say so I just keep walking. Or, if I can remember something we might actually exchange a few sentences about it - which is easier if it's something I have in common with them, but pretty quickly I start to feel like "ok, well, I'm done here" and awkwardly try to end the conversation. I've also practiced joining in with an ongoing conversation. This is much harder. I either wait too long for the perfect opening, or I jump in and interrupt someone. I don't do this part well - people have told me. But, I don't really care if I can't make small talk with my boss - I don't figure that's what they want. But if I go up to my boss's boss working in her cubicle, and I assume she's busy and doesn't want to be interrupted for small stuff, I'd like to have something worthwhile to say. So I could go say "Hi, I'm still working on Project X.' ... not enough information to do anything with. or I could go say "Hi, I'm still working on that problem with Project X".... not enough information to do anything with, but enough to think I'm an idiot. or I could go and talk about the problem and what I'm doing about it and why it would work and why it might not and what happened to the last thing I tried and pretty quickly she says "summarize it for me" and I say "I'm still working on that problem with Project X". So, what's the point ? I do have the weekly meetings with my boss, both in person, and written, and isn't it his job to update her on the stuff she thinks is important ? I don't know what's important enough for them to want to hear it. What I do is pretty technical and they don't really understand the nitty gritty details anyway. sigh.

^^^
Your last sentence is really important. When you are talking to people who are on a different technical plane than you are (either higher or lower) you need to tailor what you tell them to their technical level of understanding. If the person is less knowledgeable about technical issues than you are, and also your supervisor, it's a delicate balancing act. Mostly what they want to hear is that you're making progress and that you have the situation under control, but you have to give them more information than that. Perhaps if you come up with project outlines and share them with your boss and higher ups (in writing, and in person), that will help them to realize that you do have a plan. Then you have something to talk about later that is nicely structured.

It isn't necessarily your boss's job to update the higher ups on your progress. You don't want to go over your boss's head unnecessarily, but if someone higher up has asked you for a progress report, you are obligated to give it. Be careful to make sure your direct supervisor knows what you're going to talk with the higher ups about, so he won't feel like you're withholding info from him.

As for jumping into an ongoing conversation with co-workers... yeah, that's hard. I generally don't. Either I content myself to stand there and listen, or I say "Hi everybody" as I walk by. Usually it's the latter. Small talk with bosses is indeed different than small talk with peers, and you're right that most of the time they probably don't really want to get into a long conversation about the weekend. But you can't just walk into someone's office and start in directly on the Larsen project without some sort of prologue. At the very least say good morning before you launch. That probably sounds obvious, but it wasn't obvious to me. I'd regularly walk in to Richard's office and just start talking about a project or a task, and then realize 30 seconds later that he was expecting at least some sort of introduction.

In general, it sounds like you're mostly ahead of me on this stuff, so I guess I don't have much more constructive to offer. Good luck!