Help Decoding the NT's

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Hi,

I am a 35yo woman who was just recently diagnosed with Aspergers. It was a HUGE relief to finally get the decoder ring for all those things going on in my head. But, I'm still not doing so great at figuring out other people, especially at work.

For the past 6 years I have worked as Business Analyst (writing software requirements) for a large manufacturing company. I'm very good at my job and enjoy the work that I do. Under most circumstances I am calm and confident, able to carry on "task oriented" conversations with no problem and generally well respected.

OK, now down to business, here's where I am having the issue:
There is 1 man whom I work with that I do not handle well. He is a manager over several of the projects I work on and my ability to stay employed is dependent on getting past the overwhelming aversion I have to working with him. He is extremely bright and capable, one of the more direct and driven people I work with, and excellent at his job. He is in charge of all of the developers that I work with and ultimately decides the vision and direction of the software that I do requirements for. When he speaks, I stop functioning and I have NO IDEA WHY!! Which is frustrating the hell out of me. I like this guy. I respect him. But I also stop being able to interpret words and really struggle to speak when dealing with him. As a result, he thinks I'm fairly incompetent and doesn't trust anything I tell him.

1) Has anyone else run into a situation like this?
2) Does anyone have any idea why some people, even when good and easy to work with, cause significantly more problems in coping with them?
3) Any suggestions at all for how I can fix the problem on my end?

Thanks!

This doesn't really have to do with decoding NTs but with decoding you.

One possibility is you really admire this guy and you actually want very badly for him to think highly of you. So the solution would be to try not to think very highly of him. He probably has his faults.

Another solution would be to interact with him via e-mail instead of in person.

This would be the the best solution.

Can relate to this problem. For me it was very often caused by people talking extremely speedy and/or too much action, like gestures, facial expressions, movements, too many variations in tone and volume down, which overall made me shut down completely.

You know I think that may be it. When we communicate via email or phone I seem to be fine, but he changes how he talks when he's on the phone and is quieter and slower than in person. However, he is BIG on face to face communication so it will take talking with him directly and giving him enough information to help him understand where I am struggling to follow along.

Thanks guys!!

Sometimes when I am really trying to impress somebody or seem competent, I become an idiot. Also, some people are just overwhelming. With them, I think it helps to forget about yourself and just try to concentrate on what they are saying, maybe not looking directly at them, but thoughtfully down while nodding.

sounds like seletive mutism...I do that with my sister who is also very bright and driven and thinks I am a total incomp because I just shut down when I am around her and cant comunicate with her.

Some people with overpowering personalities can cause that reaction in us.
I suggest that you look up sellective mutism and talk to your manager about trying to keep commincation in a written format as an accomidation.
Of course he might be offended that he causes that reaction in you...so dont mention it like that.

Hope that helps,

Jojo

It could be the case that you really like this person but don't know what you can do about it.

I'm a guy (34, new to Aspie thing too) and for a long while was completely intimidated by anyone I found really attractive. E.g. It took me well over a year (!) before I started talking to nice friendly girl I saw everyday on the bus (and there are other ones where I didn't ever get around to speaking). Turned out it was easier to talk to her than I thought (but could depend on the person).

Sending things by email can be good as I (personally) have used this to good effect. I trained a new start for 30 minutes - and decided I liked her quite a bit. She had done English at uni to degree level hence I knew could appreciate the written word - so I sent her some work related document I had done beforehand that I thought was quite impressive. The content was on topic, but what I was really doing was demonstrating that I had clarity of thought/mind - which unfortunately (in my particular case) definately isn't always obvious when I'm talking directly to someone!

Case in point: I said I'd forward it to her, stated on the email that I had done the below doc, and had my email footer on the original... and still she turned to me and asked "and who did you say wrote this?"!

But it raised a question in her mind that I might be smarter than I perhaps came across as being, and we eventually got on really well.

I wonder whether it could help in your case (whatever the cause/reason) if you have some technical questions or such like that you can prepare in advance to ask him when you see him (to show that you can ask decent, smart questions)? I.e. do some prep so that you don't have to come up with stuff "on the spot".

Also - I tend to try to run small mental models of peoples minds (!) in my mind - i.e. what they might be thinking about and how they would react if I say this or that. I've noticed that if there's someone (usually a manager) who's really smart and thinks "outside of the box" it can be really tricky to build up a picture of what they are thinking and how they might respond to different things - which is what I often use to base what I'm going to say on. Though difficult however, these people are usually very worth getting to know.

PS: I personally also come unstuck when dealing with a "new" / "unfamiliar" situation. E.g. once a girl whom I got on with excitedly told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend. Then came a long pause when she looked at me expectantly. On reflection she was clearly inviting me to ask her out. As I had never done before or even been in this type of situation, I basically froze, managing just about to continue talking about some irrelevant work thing after a time. Basically as the situation was entirely new to my brain I had no existing counter-methods built up to deal with the situation - hence couldn't cope. Hence it could just be that you've encountered someone who's really different from folk you've met before, hence need one or two goes at speaking before you figure out how to communicate with them / deal with the situation.