Unofficial Asperger, scary life, possible SS benefits

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Hello, I am an un-diagnosed, assumed Asperger stuck in a scary situation - I'm unemployed and cannot find a job. I have been unemployed for one year already and my savings are drying up. I will try and keep my post as clear as possible, but even planning it out is giving me a near meltdown. I apologize if the post is ranty or unclear.

I'm at a severe disadvantage in my life because the cards are stacked against me overall. My family basically exploded when I was 12, and due to my unstable living conditions (being shipped around between relatives), I have never received the medical assistance I have now discovered I need. I'm a 27 year old female, and did not even learn of Aspergers until I was 19. From the moment I began researching it, I knew I was on the spectrum somehow. I will save the details and just say that through my entire life back to my earliest memories, I fit the criteria perfectly.

I unfortunately dropped out of highschool halfway through my junior year, and I was never able to get my GED. The primary reason I dropped out was that I could not understand anything. I was raised in private schools and every year from 5th grade and up I officially flunked out, but the school did not want the bad stats of failed students and pushed me and a handful of others forward. This continued through highschool, where I was bullied by teachers and never received the help I needed. I became so stressed about everything for so long that I removed it all from my life.

I desperately searched for retail jobs back in 2005 when I was looking for my first job ever. Back then, every place had written applications. I will outright admit that I lied on my written applications, saying I was employed by a family friend previously, and that I had a GED (I did not and still don't have one). I was eventually hired by a pet store after stopping in every single day and asking, the manager was so annoyed with me that she gave me a position so that I would stop bothering her every day. The job was stressful but easy work. I came in at 6:30am and cleaned animal cages until 9-10am, and dealt with customers for around an hour before leaving. It took me around 5 years to learn how to force myself to make eye contact with customers, but now that I quit my job, I've reverted from my "acting" and am back to the way I used to be, very timid and cannot look anyone in the eye. I did not learn how to actually speak well with customers until around the same time, 5 years into the job.

I quit the job last January, on my 6 1/2 year, because the new management stressed me out to the point where work was giving me constant panic attacks and meltdowns. The only reason I lasted so long at that job was simple: for the first 5 years, the managers gave me a list of duties then literally left me alone until the next day, when a new list was made. 85% of the time I didn't even talk with people, I was alone, cleaning cages. It was stressful work due to the time constraints (I was always very slow), but beyond that it was fairly easy for me. At around that 5 year mark, new management rolled into the store. I had two managers that were CONSTANTLY picking on me. I was being told to do something, taken into the office, then sternly talked to. This happened literally every other day for 1 1/2 years. I tolerated it, even though it made me cry every single time, and I literally lost sleep over the obsession of the talks. Every talk repeated in my head like a tape recorder for sometimes weeks afterward. I tolerated it because I was too frightened to find another job.
Eventually, those managers decided to move me out of my pet department and into a cashier position. I protested this loudly, but nothing was done about it. My ~18 hour weeks were cut to literally 4-6 hour weeks, for one whole year. I kept the job because it was enough money for me to get by (I live with another person and am very simple with my needs). I quickly discovered that cashiering is AWFUL and I refuse to touch a register ever again. The stress of dealing with money, returns, and customers is unbearable. I also cannot stand at the register waiting for people to show up, the boredom in that time literally kills me (I want to fall to the floor and start hitting my head). I normally cashiered for around 2 hours, which was hell by itself, but tolerable because it was the early morning and I dealt with probably around 10 people within that timespan. However, later I was scheduled 5 hour shifts, and that's when I decided to quit. There was one super busy weekend where the managers even told me I looked "visibly stressed" and that I was too eager to get out of the store.

All in all, by having that job for nearly 7 years, I learned that if I work longer than 4 hours a day, I feel like a drained battery (and need a 2+ hour nap to recover). I cannot do cashiering. And I can handle customer service okay so long as I am able to pre-script speeches and scenarios in my head before they happen.

Ever since my family broke apart when I was 12, I've had growing anxiety that interacts with my Aspergers constantly. My dad loved to play mind games with me and was mentally abusive, I lived with him off and on until I was around 18 years old, when I moved out with a friend I met online. My anxiety is a monster now, I am scared of everything to the point of paranoia. If I see a "scary" person walking towards me on the sidewalk, I immediately create scenarios in my head of getting shot or stabbed. I am afraid to leave my own home when it's dark outside, and even when it's light, I'm scared. My grandmother got me on temporary state insurance when I was around 17 and I went to the doctor for a severe stomach and chest ache. I was officially diagnosed with "general anxiety" because of my physical symptoms. After looking into different anxiety disorders, I'm fairly certain I have panic disorder because I get panic attacks 3-5 times a week that last anywhere from 10-40 minutes.

I mention this because my anxiety, along with my life/job history, is making finding a new job awful. I cannot work full time, so that already limits my options to retail. Among the retail stores in my area that are close enough for me to get to (I do not drive and do not have a permit to drive), there are three grocery stores and one clothing store. I have applied to all of them and have watched open positions like a hawk. But I feel that my availability and fear is severely limiting me in the application process. All stores seem to hire online now, and have lengthily applications with personality tests as well. One of the stores auto-denied me mid-application because I did not have a full high school education. I ended up redoing that, lying about my education, and hoping to God that they didn't read into it. I have a feeling the other stores I applied to are not keen on hiring me because I cannot work more than 20 hours a week, cannot cashier, and I would really prefer not to work at night, because walking to work in late/early hours as a female scares the hell out of me to the point of panic attacks.

A couple people have said to me that I'm a perfect candidate for disability because of my anxiety alone, among other things. I'm getting desperate enough on money that I'm considering applying, but I honestly have no idea what to do. The thought of dealing with THAT whole process gives me panic attacks and meltdowns. I hate traveling, I hate dealing with things I've never dealt with before. If I were to go ahead and try, I don't even know where to start. The legal system is a complete mystery to me, I'm a "child" in that I CANNOT handle these adult responsibilities on my own. The prospect of knowing the ins and outs of living, MAKING a living, and getting the help I need just blows my mind. I can't even begin to process it. I'm also screwed because while I do have an official diagnosis for general anxiety, I don't have a diagnosis for autism/Asperger's. I'm desperately living off $1000 in my bank account right now, which is pretty easy because my grocery bill is around $20 a week (sometimes up to two weeks). That money is going to dry up eventually though, and it scares me.

I guess my concerns/questions boil down to... how am I going to live in this coming year? I lived off the other $1000 in my account all of last year, so I know when my funds will probably dry up. Because disability was pointed out to me, I've but some research into it (even though reading about it for more than 15 minutes throws me into a panic attack ). With the help of other communities, I have found some psychiatrists in my city that are fairly easy to get to, which are run by colleges. I *should* be able to get an official diagnosis for both anxiety/autism for around $20, which would help me immensely I think. I don't know what to do after that though. Should I apply for disability? HOW do I do it? I have looked at the web pages and I'm too scared to begin the process. I am not asking for a lot of money, I used to get by on around $300 a month from my old job, easily I just need an income, or I don't know what I'll do. I've considered going back and getting my GED, but I don't even know how I'd do that. I scored very low on my pre-SATs, and when I did a trial GED test (even with studying), I flunked. It's been over ten years since I dropped out, I'm sure I'd do far worse now than I did back then.

Please, if any of you out there are familiar with the disability process, can you please send me some advice in either this post or a private message? As mentioned, I completely melt down if I'm given vague input on situations. A step-by-step list would help me immensely, and even advice on how to secure disability or a job. I'm living with my friend now, and they unfortunately don't know how to deal with anything any more than I do, and don't know how to help me. I'm on my own with this one and it scares me like hell. I really hate being an adult

Thank you, I'm very sorry the post is long-winded. I'm really scared right now, of everything really. I swear that over the last 5 years of my life I've probably shaved an equal amount off my lifespan due to all this fear.

I've seen a lot of posts like this; and I can say a lot of people are in a similar situation.

That said, if you're looking for help, maybe asking someone to move this to The Haven would be a useful idea? A lot of these types of posts end up there, so you'd be better off asking in that zone.

You should seriously consider working in a an industrial park. Something like packaging widgets--monotonous work that most NTs can't handle, but something an Aspie can do, hour after hour, without getting tired! Seriously. can pull dandelions out of the yard every day until the Sun goes down, and not stop until there isn't a single one left in the yard!

Like you, when there is a lot of social interaction, I get tired quickly. But, where I work, it is common for folks to take breaks after dealing with difficult customers--so there is no problem with me taking breaks as necessary.

Good point! She needs to figure out what she can do--outside the retail box.

I hate to say it, but a paper trail of lies may make it impossible to get on disability--given that she stuck out so many years in an unsuitable retail job.

The disability assistance process varies by country and also by state in the US. In new york state, there are programs that have advocates who can assist people with navigating stuff like this. So where are u located....?....

There are also organizations that specifically work with people who have disabilities and can set people up with jobs but these services also vary by location.

Also I would suggest staying away from retail based on what you said. Perhaps working with animals or being in a factory or some other job with limited human interaction? Data entry? How are you with monotonous work?

I live in Oregon, which I hear is one of the better states for disability.

Monotonous work generally makes me go slow. This was one of the issues I had with cleaning pet cages at my old job. I did the same process for every cage, but I get so caught up in details of the work that I move at half the pace of any other person who does it.

My other issue is travel. Since I don't own a car and do not drive, I have to walk everywhere I go. There is a light rail train near by available for transportation, and I did in fact take that for around 3 years to my old job, but I want to avoid it now. The train is "scary" in the morning, when I prefer to work. I later ended up identifying it as one of my anxiety issues. I often ended up frozen in fear on those train rides whenever I heard a group of men get on, or a loud person. I hate being the center of attention and being one of maybe 10 people on the train, early in the morning, terrified me. I also hated waiting for the train, because there were a lot of scary people on the platform that liked to bug you.

So I end up having to walk. Within a one mile radius of my house, there is nothing beyond family owned shops (manned by 1-2 people at a time, so I know I'll cashier), or the grocery stores and clothing store I mentioned. Within a 2 mile radius, there are more stores to choose from, but I do not walk very fast, and they are in "bad" neighborhoods. Neighborhoods where you start seeing groups of drugged up looking teens hanging around and gangs. I am very scared to walk to those stores, even in day light.

I figured a grocery store would be ideal for me because I actually really enjoy stocking things, I did it sometimes at my old job. I just don't know if one will ever hire me :\

In regards to lying, I only did that twice... the one online application, which actually worked a bit in my favor because even though I was auto-denied for my education, there was an option to select "Other" and fill in everything. I was too freaked out by that point, clicked other, and said I finished my Junior year. At my first job, I did claim I had my GED, but it was on a written application, which I ended up asking an old manager about and he said they tossed those records a long time ago. I have no idea if there's even still evidence of that claim or not. On that same application, I did claim I worked for a family friend, which is actually true, but it was not an employed job and I did not get paid for it.

Also, about data entry or online jobs, I (think) I'm willing to do those, but I have no idea how to find them or actually do them. I don't even know if I can do them long-term. I'm not the fastest typer around, and my brain fries when I have to do a lot of math at once.

I've also looked into janitor jobs around my area, because I think that would be literally perfect. But I can't find any. Every janitor position is asking for 40+ hours a week and personal experience running all the floor cleaning equipment, which I definitely don't have.

I'm just really at a loss on where to go from this point. I thought about being a dish cleaner at a restaurant, looked into that too, and all the restaurants in my area are big box stores like Applebees. Apparently they don't have a specific "clean dishes" position, they rotate you out to the front counter as well where you seat people.

um if your in richmond hill,ontario,canada, you can come to a car plant which is hiring people forsure, no interview. it's $81/day for 8hr. the people there are really helpful. they're short on labor because it's loud and not much socializing. we had to work hard. this is NT and parasite hostile environment but friendly for aspies. the NT hostile environment is why they're so short on labor only our kind manage to stay there. i had to lift stuff, but most people operated a machine which is light. like go to a placement agency/ temp agency/ employment agency. and just keep asking them what jobs they have, it's much easier to get a job that way than applying for applications 1by1. like they didn't tell you about placement agencies in school. wasted 4 weeks and almost depressed couldn't find a job. i go to a temp agency and i got a job when i walked into the room.

I can tell you what I did to get on disability. I went to a mental health clinic and received a diagnosis. After you have a diagnosis and possibly a counselor that can help you to begin the process, that will make it alot easier and remove alot of the anxiety of the unknown that you are having.

I'm in Oregon as well, and I don't know about disability, but Food Stamps are really easy to get in Oregon. They will literally give them to anyone if you answer a few questions properly, and it only takes like an hour or two, you will leave with the card that day, with money on it. You shouldn't be spending any savings on food.

and along with getting disability, it actually kind of sounds like you just need someone to give you a hug.

I live in Oregon. I was just approved for SSI and SSDI this very month. I got a huge waiting check (the wait time from when you apply for disability to now) and am going to get a check every month for the rest of my life until I continue working. Which I hope to do.

If you want help and specific instructions on filing and getting approved and all that, send me a PM and I will be more than glad to help you.

Like you, I've never been formally diagnosed. I'm currently in school for computer science and it seems that no one wants to hire me part time and work around my school schedule, so I am willing to put my schooling on hold in order to get a job (hopefully in a factory).

I agree with the poster above who said factory work would be good. A set rotation schedule and knowing exactly what you will be doing each day is ideal. My only suggestion is if you do get a job like this, make sure you inform your manager/lead/boss of your issue with change, but I would do this after working a few weeks so that they can see that you're not trouble (you wouldn't want to scare them off).

I was once working a factory and did the same thing for 2 years. Then one day they moved me off my line to do other work and I had a meltdown. I ended up quitting exactly one week before the plant shut down for good (oops).

Another field of work I'd suggest is working with early intervention. No one knows what goes through the mind of a sensitive child better than we do. I was a personal aide for a student and I excelled at this but was laid off due to budget cuts. Since you will be intelligently teaching children social cues, mannerisms and such, you yourself will benefit from this.

Good luck to you and don't give up. You'll find something.