Must be a lively individual!

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Another thread got me thinking about job adverts and how ridiculous they are getting so I wondered if anyone wanted to have a laugh and make up a funny job advert? Here is mine

NUCLEAR PHYSICIST REQUIRED URGENTLY
Must have a PHd in Quantum Mechanics and experience in a similar role in a Nuclear Reactor/or CERN type environment.
The ability to work in a team is vital and a dazzling personality a must
As a self starter you will be responsible for the safety of our reactor, which we aim to roll out to new markets (so marketing experience would be a bonus)
Your excellent communications skills and abiltiy to adapt, persuade, and build relationships with personel of all levels will play a crucial part in our success.
You must be proactive and be able to work under lots of pressure
So please apply now
(Sorry but people on the autistic spectrum will not be considered)

B&Q ASSISTANT
Hello people!
We need a new assistant to replace the one who ran away due to our training incompetence, the really bad layout of shop items and the stressful atmosphere full of people who did not want to come here in the first place, but just needed something.
Essential qualities: Naivety, Tolerance, Ability to work under a ridiculous amount of pressure, Savant-like behaviour for remembering where items are and being able to decide where items should go and why.
Prior experience in working in a stupidly stressful environment is useful, but otherwise just come dive in and you'll soon learn that life isn't as hunky dory as you thought it was!

Position at Remote One-person Outpost in Antarctica available:

Must be a "people person" who eschews isolation.
Networking must be the most enjoyable part of your day.
Teamwork is always the most important thing to you.
Must be "perky" without the use of prescription or controlled substances (or electroshock).
You are known as a "chatty Cathy" to your numerous friends and associates.

Interest in environmental science not required, but a plus.

LOL Class!

From a real ad for an engineering position. Notice nothing about technical not engineering skills and I think the misspelled word is "entrepreneurial" I did no editing nor added/subtracted anything:

I was interviewed recently for a role where they wanted someone with programming skills. They asked me so many questions about my personality that by the time it was over (over an hour later) it seemed as though I had just done a scene on the filem Bladerunner and was suspected of being a 'skin job'.

Large City DHS looking to fill social worker position:

Ideal candidate must be as depressed and unobservant as possible.
Rude attitude a plus
Xenophobia will also get bonus points
Absolutely must not smile
A willingness to shelve cases that come back to your desk more then twice
Experience in ignoring people desirable

Perks include County Vehicle, Dunkin Doughnuts vouchers, 40 weeks paid vacation annually.

Most of the jobs here reads like this
Wanted Smart, Confident, Outgoing candidate
with pleasing personality and excellent communication skills
Self starter would be most welcome, should have very good
decision making ability and social skills.

And just by reading these terms i avoid going to the interview.