argument with job coach!

Post Reply New Topic

Today I saw my new job coach who works for wise ability. The meeting we had was a disaster because the women said to me roughly along the lines of "how did you get here today?" I responded "by train" "Did you need a carer on the train with you?". This got me very angry and I got into an argument with her and I said things such "its society's fault stereotyping us "prejudice" etc etc. The lady in the arguments said things such as "some people with your health condition do needs carers", "I understand that as a young man its hard for you to accept your health issue". She kept saying health issues a lot.

I go to city's and out drinking with my friends on my own. I think I may have misunderstood what she was trying to say perhaps. The job coach also works with 2 other young men with aspergers"

What do you make of this situation? I will explain what happened in more depth if people post on this thread since the description is not the full story.




This is a classic example of the negative picture society paints in relation to people on the spectrum.

Sorry you had a hard time I think she probably was just asking questions that it is part of her job to ask everyone. I'm sure she didn't mean it as "you seem like you really need a carer" or something like that. She probably just has to ask by rote.

I disagree.

Your job coach, who was meeting you for the first time, was interviewing you in order to learn what your capabilities are. As you know, the Spectrum is just that; a wide range of characteristics and abilities. She knows the range of function possible, but she didn't know you and your capabilities. She was interviewing you in order to learn your level of functioning.

What she learned in addition to your level of function; is that you allow yourself to be belligerent in a job related interview. She learned that while you are capable of high function, your self control is poor.

Jamesy, I've read some of your previous posts and understand that you have lashed out violently at your father without apparent consequences. Lashing out in anger is much less acceptable in the employment realm than is apparent in your household. Thus it's understandable that you don't know that there are serious consequences for lashing out in workplace settings. But, until you start understanding the societal and workplace consequences of lashing out in anger over misunderstandings; your ability to get employment and stay employed will continue to be no ability to do so.

Any tips on how to learn better self control

First off, there is nothing wrong with having a carer if you need one. That you don't is fine, but don't take the question personally. She is just trying to establish your needs.
The first step in self control is mentally stepping back from the situation and trying to look at it from different points of view. This is Theory of Mind stuff, which I've struggled with. It's very hard for us to take ourselves out of the equation and look at things neutrally, but it is such an important skill it is worth the effort to work on it. Like in the other thread about the senior who yelled "manners." Put yourself in that person's position and try to see things how she might have seen them.

No, sorry, no tips. Calling any advise on how to learn self control; 'tips' would be implying that all you need to do is learn a few techniques. It's way beyond that; learning self control is a process that most folks start during their pre-school years and continue refining through adulthood. If you were allowed to lash out at adults, without consequences, as a child, you will be starting the process at zero.

But learning how to control yourself from lashing out is such a fundamental element of employ-ability; it's well worth any amount of effort.

I guess the 1st step would be learning to identify that you're lashing out in real time. In other words; when your new job coach asked; "Did you need a carer on the train with you?" and your response was; This got me very angry and I got into an argument with her<---- at that instant did you realize that you were lashing out at her?

Learning self control will require much more expert help than you will be able to get on an internet forum. If you are in psychological/behavioral therapy, work on this issue. If you are not in therapy and are motivated to learn how to not lash out indiscriminately; get into therapy in order to get help with the process.

I call it standing up for myself

Seriously? Do you really think that picking a fight with a new job coach about society is standing up for yourself?

Jamesy, honestly, I call it burning your bridges.

This is the last time I will reply to any of your questions here on WP, because you seem to only want to argue; as opposed to wanting to understand the answers to your questions.

In what way were you standing up for yourself?

Can you explain more about what you thought your job coach was trying to say?

Hey come on no need to start being hostile towards me. I like many other as pies am fed up with living in an NT dominated world.

Yes, it is frustrating. I just went to a meeting of our local autism chapter and I found that most of the people there were neurotypical parents of autie kids. It is odd how you can feel alone even amongst those who want to help; but they just don't get what it's like.
Anyway, the reason for my above question is because I'm wondering why you felt like she was challenging you.

She has likely listed you as "Easily Provoked", "Argumentative", or a "Hot-head".

As a person who has interviewed many job applicants, I can tell you that it is a common practice for job coaches to ask "provocative" questions just to see how someone will react, and then to train that person to more effectively deal with having their buttons pushed during a real job interview.


The Christian churches have a saying: "Sometimes, you are the only Jesus that someone will ever see." Christians should remember this, because losing one's temper and lashing out at others creates the prejudice that the general public has against Christians.

So Jamesy ... sometimes, you are the only person on the Autistic spectrum that some people will ever see ...


^ Seconded. No one likes to work with a hot-head.


I call it, "Chronic Unemployment".

Jamesy, honestly I don't even understand the question she was asking. Can you please post the full story?

I would not have been angry with her but confused. I would've said this to her "Mam, I am sorry but I do not understand the question you are asking me. Will you please explain the question further and am I doing anything wrong now?"

I am as frustrated as you are. I feel the same anger as well. Here is the thing, we're only hurting ourselves with our anger. I don't know how it is in your country but in the USA they promote this positive attitude nonsense like it is the building blocks of time and space. In America, if negative things happen to you it is considered your fault. The mindset here is "what did you do to bring it upon yourself." This is called internal locus of control. This means in the American Culture's mind you fully have control over your destiny and you are the captain of your own ship. Here is a link to it. http://wilderdom.com/psychology/loc/Loc ... hatIs.html

The things Americans believe actually have some truth and merit to them but only to a certain extent. I believe America is to slanted towards the internal locus of control and the individualist mindset. Another thing is this. In American culture, one is expected to not need others and pull themselves by their bootstraps which means you are expected to work things out yourself. Yes, I do believe in it but not to the extent Americans take it today? How does it work in your country? Is it similar?

Here is the thing though. You have been told to be yourself all of your life am I correct. You've been told things like "don't let anyone determine who you are?" These things do have some truth but to certain extents. I believe America is a maladjusted culture but on the other hand you have to accept the real golden rule and that is he who owns the gold makes the rules. This means you're going to have to conform to certain people's standards. You will have to care about what some people think no matter how silly or stupid it may seem to you.

I believe American culture is flawed, maladjusted, and dysfunctional. Again, I don't know what your culture is like. On the other hand, you can't control what others do. Your extent of your control lies in whatever sphere of influence you have. What you're going to have to do like I have is you will have to compromise somewhat. I know it sucks and I know it is f****d up. If we want more influence in how things are done we will have to conform and submit somewhat. We're in no position to really challenge the mainstream.

Fnord only looks at what is now. He will not entertain possibilities that may possibly happen. He is an ISTJ personality type. http://www.personalitypage.com/ISTJ.html

My personality type is INTP.
http://www.personalitypage.com/INTP.html

This is why Fnord and I butt heads when we speak to each other.

I do believe there is some wisdom to what Fnord says.

Remember that a gentle answer turns away wrath.

Without knowing the tone of voice, it's hard to say she was wrong. Was she asking, or was she condescending?

There are a lot of people on the spectrum who do need that kind of assistance. She needs to know if you do or don't. She needs to get a picture of your whole situation. There was no reason to go at her.