"Boss" makes me cry all day and I can't stop

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Hi all, I usually start these off with 'I don't get on here much except when I have a huge problem and the usual sources don't have much advice.'

I've been moved to another lab (I work at a large mine), and the guy in charge and only person who works in this lab is just a technician. I have to work with him though because I have to learn all of his methods, because even though I am a chemist (was one of the chemists at another part of the mine), he has all the technical/method knowledge that I have to learn....this guy is about 75 (no joke) and has been working here since the '60s, and our boss goes across all sites so he's not around all the time, but told me 2 months ago I had to go to this lab and learn the old guys stuff before he retires. The reason for this is because the other chemist, GD died in a car accident and they had no one else who could drop everything and jump into the lab. I used to chat to GD a lot before he died when he was working with the techie, and he would often tell me that he'd have huge fights with him and they'd go for weeks without talking to each other. I thought that this was because GD's Japanese, and the techie's apparently would make racist comments to him all the time. The environment officer also worked with the techie and had enough of him after only 1 week, and my old coworker from my old lab said she used to cry in the toilets when she worked with the techie.

Well, since working with the techie, he's reduced me to tears a number of times, but my boss just tells me I have to work with him because I need to know the methods. He acts really nice around the boss but when the boss goes to another site he's horrible. He stares me down all the time (I hate eye contact so staring him back is very hard) and never helps me, he just says that I should already know how to do everything. When I don't know, or do it different, he gets angry at me. I've never felt so belittled/patronised in my working life, and normally I just wait until he's gone and sit in one of the instrument rooms and cry. We've had a heap of fights where I 'quit' the lab and the boss told me last time to just suck it up and not back chat. The techie accuses me of stealing various things which would be ludicrous to steal anyway (he sometimes puts things down and forgets), and always locks me out of the lab but won't give me the spare key. Today was the last straw, and the conversation (as they all do) went something like this:

Him: OK, do the sampling.
Me: I'm not sure how to.
I showed you.
That was once and it was over 1 month ago and I can't remember. Could you please talk me through it again?
Didn't you write it down?
Yes, but I just wrote 'take sample.' (If I just do it, I get in trouble for doing it 'my way')
You don't listen do you?
No, sorry, I wasn't listening. Could you please show me again?
You just don't listen?
No, sorry. Could you please help?
You're really that stupid, aren't you?
Yes, I am. Please show me?
You just don't listen, do you? You just don't pay attention!?
*all while staring right into me*

And this goes on and on for sometimes half an hour. It's usually over something quite silly, and if I go ahead and just do stuff he gets twice as mad if I get it wrong. For instance, he gets mad if I take the top scoop from the left side instead of the right side and stuff like that that doesn't really matter for the sampling process. He does heaps of things wrong but I don't say anything to him. The above conversation happened today and I just broke down into a sobbing mess. I hate crying in front of people, but he made me stand there and finish it and I was crying into the sample. Worse still, a maintenance guy came in and saw, and worse still, I had to go back to the offices and all my coworkers could see my face was wet. One of them asked me if it was the techie, and I said yes, so the boss rang up and said that I didn't have to keep learning the methods.

I then went to confront the techie and I was so angry at him but when he asked why I wasn't doing the methods he ridiculed the crap out of me, saying I needed to grow up. All I could bring myself to say without sobbing was 'stop being mean.' I have to go to work and face him again tomorrow, and even though I don't have to work directly with him, I feel sick and he just makes me so so angry. Especially because I don't have the guts to say anything other than 'you're mean.' I love the job but he's ruining my life.

It's awful being around someone like that. I have, and it consumed me. Sti does to an extent, but that's more from growing up that way.

It takes quite a bit of time to recover, but spending time away from him and other people being nice helps.

Don't complain about him directly if you can help it, people have gotten angry with me for doing that. However, he is the one with the reputation for messing with people's heads, there is plenty of blame to to around, like the boss making you do this. And plenty of positive, like coworkers who apparently care enough and understand enough they rang the boss who said enough and now you don't have to be under the techie at least.

If anything else would have worked you wouldn't be in the situation. Try not to feel so badly about yourself, though. It's over. And apparently everyone thinks he is at fault, so they may look to distract you and keep you happy now and if you can let them, may respect you even.

Find a quiet place to get a complaint down on paper.

Make it all about offering solutions, all calm and professional and reasonable and generous and conscillitaory. But really strong and honest. His bullying behaviour is unacceptable in any work place. And everyone knows he is rotten, so you will be believed.

He sounds like a bitter, twisted lonely old bastard. Don't let him bully you, be nicer to yourself Feel sorry for him and be kind.
Feeling sorry for other people is very empowering. Understanding why they are horrible can help you rise above their bad behaviour and view them as sadly puzzling. Why is he so nasty? It has nothing to do with you and is 100% him. So you shouldn't waste your tears and reactions.

He has a lot less in his life than you have. Thats is why he is mean and stupid and really lonely and unhappy. People get that way because they have no love, or had no love as babies. Their brains don't develop the capacity for kindness. Or life wears that out for them.

He is jealous of your youth and your brains and your health and kindness.

Always stand up for yourself, but also be generous and feel sorry for the poor bastard.
To be that nasty he must be so empty and lonely.

There is always the possibility - even the likelihood - that he has been socially impaired his whole life, if he's 75 it's unlikely he got the benefits of a diagnosis...or the blaming you for stealing thing may be early stages of dementia. If you think about it as HIS disability, it may help you be less frightened and angry.

That doesn't make what he is doing right: he is a bully. He's clearly being rigid (which side you scoop something with probably doesn't matter) and he clearly is taking his frustrations out on you.

I'd ask your supervisors to help you find an alternative to the way you're doing things now (the ones who said you didn't have to learn the tasks.) for instance, can this guy write a step-by-step written list of each task? Another idea may be to record him explaining what to do - or video him - and have the steps transcribed.

It is also OK to call out bad behavior, especially when you have the support of your superiors. I know you probably can't control crying (I can't in these situations, either) but if you practice saying "I understand that you're frustrated, but don't call me names, it interferes with my ability to work." in a flat tone of voice in the mirror - make sure you don't uptalk (raise your pitch at the end of sentences like it's a question.) you might be able to say it in person. Practice being as matter-of-fact as you can muster, meaning low, unmodulated pitch, and loud enough to be heard without raising your voice. Get a friend to help you if you can, ask them if you sound businesslike. If it's easier for you, you don't have to make eye contact when you do it, you can focus on your work, just stop what you are doing for a few minutes, state the problem and move on like nothing happened. If this works, you will need to repeat it EVERY TIME he steps out of line.

You are right, "you're mean" is a start, but you're probably frustrated because it's not the specific boundary you wanted to set. If you've never done it before, it's exceptionally difficult to find the language you need in the moment - it's not lack of guts: you're being asked to do something spectacularly difficult, something everybody at your job knows is difficult.

Again, practice - if you can practice in the mirror, that's helpful. Think of yourself quietly, firmly reflecting back whatever he says; let him give you the language, just put "don't" in front. It might help to write down what you want to say (but don't bring a paper to read off of.) e.g. "Don't say I'm stupid." "Don't say I'm weak." "Don't say I need to grow up." The first few times you try it out in real life, it will feel weird and you'll still feel scared - and you might not do it right and cry anyway. That's normal; don't give up, it will improve.

Imagine he is a small child and you're a babysitter: you would set firm, understandable guidelines and simply wait for them to be followed no matter what the child did, right? His temper and bad manners are not your problem, they are his problem - you only need to frame the problem for him and get him to solve it. Sometimes (not always) people like that respond to clear boundaries. More importantly, you might feel better for having set them.

Keep in mind this may not change his behavior. He probably knows he is wildly inappropriate, impaired or not, but he has spent years teaching everyone to tolerate and even tiptoe around him and may simply not have the skills to change. He may even go to your supervisor, in which case your defense is to say "I politely asked him not to (insert his words) because it was distracting me from my work." (practice that, too.)

This is HIS impairment, not yours.

Good luck.

I agree. Document every instance of unprofessional behavior - as much as possible use his exact words. If you can, send yourself emails of this behavior every day, so that they are date-stamped (put the same words in the title of the email so you can find them easily with a search.) I'd do this on a personal email account, not at work.

It might be that the technician doesn't want to retire and is feeling forced to do so. He might resent being required to teach his methods to anybody (thereby assuring his retirement). Being older and feeling like your employer is setting the stage for you to teach all your secret successes to someone else and kicked to the curb usually brings out the worst in otherwise really good people.

Just as an experiment, try chatting with him about whether he personally wants to retire or not. Buy him the occasional lunch or coffee. He might start to relax around you if he sees that you were forced to work with him as much as he was forced to work with you.

Everyone has given you really good advise here, and it's good that your colleagues are suppotive of you.

I have also had to deal with this behaviour in my family and working lives, and it can be very difficult to know how to defend oneself and what to say to someone who is unproffesional and a bully while trying to remain "professional" I have had people do very similar things to what you described.

One thing that springs to mind because I have also worked in a variety of labs and factories, that most of the places these days have written work procedures that follow a set format, with seperate sections for equipment used, safety issues etc. Some of them have photos and they have to be checked for efficiency by at least one other person, and updated regularly. If he is the "expert" he should be writing these; and you and your boss should be checking them. That way if it isn't explained properly, you don't " understand " etc, it's the fault of the procedure, not you, and an ammendment needs to be made. That's also one way of not apportioning blame per se, while making him accountable for his actions.

Thanks so much for all the replies, it's really appreciated.

Waterfalls: Yeah, my coworkers, especially the guys from my old lab, and the people in my office are really supportive. Without them I would've quit and moved to another mine by now.

Pastafarian: That's what people say about him. He has the capacity to be really nice, but it's only reserved for bosses and women in 'secretary' style roles. I do feel sorry for him, but that just let him walk on me even more some times. It's hard to 'be the bigger person' but you're right, it's what I have to do.

Momsparky: Mum reckons he has dementia from some of the things I've told her about him. I wouldn't be surprised if he was also on the spectrum, he has a couple of strong special interests he knows everything about and talks about a lot, and he never socialises with anyone else in the plant (he tells me this is because they are the 'new crowd' and there are no originals from the 60s there anymore). I started being firm with him but he'd just bat me back, so now I don't talk to him unless he talks to me. I practiced saying a few things in the prep room when he went into the plant like 'don't speak to me like that' but when it came to the crunch it was hard. I keep trying though.

MisDorkness: I know the feeling of the grumpy old sexist men (there are women in the mine who were bitchy and horrible and just as bad but are a different breed), and my boss is a man too and the techie is really nice to him, but he's only nice to men if they're caucasian, and born in Australia. Preferably from the same state as us. I hate it when they ask you about things that happened in years way before you were born ('we did it like this in 1972....') and they think you're dumb if you don't know what they're on about.

AspieUtah: That was the first problem. It took him months to even let me in his workspace. I sat down with him and told him that he retires whenever he wants to, and I was only there to fill in for him if he was sick or went on leave. I made it pretty clear because I knew he was worried about it, then he was ok for a week or so. I was a fill in for another techie at my old lab and she was about 60 or so and I had to give her the same talk but never got any trouble from her. Me and the techie were forced to go on a conference together on the other side of the country and I knew the town pretty well so took him out to pubs and cafes and introduced him to the local beer, and we got along pretty well. He used to be fine when I would ring up from the old lab and ask for supplies/let him know of samples coming his way. It all started when the other guy he was training died and I had to stand in and be trained

Opal: I agree. Being professional is the main thing, and things like crying when you're a woman on a mine, and one of the few technical women, don't help to do much for your cause. You have to be professional about everything. There are safe work procedures for many parts of the old lab, but it's a very old mine with old rules and he has only written 3 procedures (one is over 10 years old, and one is so old it has the previous lab company's logo on it). The rest are in his head and he won't write them down because he "doesn't believe in them." It's my job to write them (I did the ones for the old lab) but he won't let me see the procedures so I can't write them. As for safety issues, the safety officer is terrified of him and doesn't enforce anything.

My boss has spoken to the lab manager from my old lab and he's coming down to our plant to train himself up in methods so he can help me. This worked once but the techie was convinced that the manager was 'spying on him,' so not sure how it'll go now. The tech should teach the manager more methods than he teaches me, and without being horrible about it, but he still doesn't like him because even though he's from the 'old crowd' he's Japanese. Not exactly looking forward to it because the manager will want me to come along too to learn, the techie will bag me out even more when the manager goes, but I am feeling a bit more empowered.

Thank you all again.
Peace,
Cad

I thought this was all over and dead in the water, but today my boss said I had one final week with the tech, starting Monday, because there are things the tech didn't show me that I need to know before he goes on holiday in a few months. I told him that I was not happy at all with this, and if the tech couldn't show me them in the 3 months we were working together then what hope do I have of learning it in a week? He said I had 'the wrong attitude,' that things had changed because he spoke to the tech, and to get over it because it was only a week. He later on told my coworkers that "we" would be working with the techie together, which is not the case. It just means that he is our boss and will be collaborating with us.

I can't believe he's doing this to me. After breaking down and crying in front of the tech, I've got no 'last resort' to turn to if things get bad. I have been conditioned over the last few years by family and friends into not getting 'too involved' in my art, so the only other thing I can think of to turn to is drinking.

It's only a week.

I don't know if this is good advice or not, but I would have to change my attitude to get through. Remind myself this isn't worth dying over. Understand I have said I can't take it now boss says I must, I will try, but I've said I can't handle, crying is no longer off limits. If the tech again is harsh as the boss promised wouldn't happen, you react how you react. Can't focus on the abuse and the job.

In a similar situation, the director spoke to my boss who used to be quite difficult, after I'd fallen apart over how my supervisor behaved. Things really did change. So it isn't impossible. I kept my focus with them on that "I don't want to be here unless I am useful and valuable" which refocused everyone away from hurting me. Not saying it will be that way, or that it necessarily will last (it doesn't, it gets rocky, but maybe not in a week)

The boss is telling you the tech will behave in the interest of the organization. I didn't trust that either at first, but if the tech is nasty, that's on the tech. Not on you. If you fall apart, if you cry, that's at least partly on him as well. Don't try to control it, the tech needs to exercise some self control, or not

You are strong.

I practiced what to say out loud to myself a lot. I stayed focused on how I felt, what I could do, and the well being of the organization as much as I could because people don't like when I'm negative for some reason, it just doesn't work. So things like "I want to do a good job" or "can you help me" to others. And just tried to say as little as possible about the situation itself.

It sounds like that techie does not really understand Autism and people like us because they did not even have close to the research that they have now. He also sounds like an angry person who is very set in his ways. Most people are at that age but f that is still not an excuse to treat you horribly. Then again it sounds like you will not have to deal with him again after this. So hang in there.

If he worst comes to worse, he might need to be reported to the human resources department next to having your boss talk with him. While you don't need it all the time, maybe have someone from the office intervene by pretending to be working on something else. Then if he gets out of hand, have them put this techie in his place.