Mistake at work- I was rude but didn't mean to be

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Hi everyone,

Apparently I have difficulty modulating my tone of voice sometimes (not a surprise given my ASD), and I accidentally 'snapped' at two of my coworkers. I really, honestly didn't mean to be rude or mean. I was trying to communicate something quickly, and when I do that, (I have been told) I sound harsh. I feel bad. I don't want to get a bad reputation, and I don't like that people are talking about me in a negative way. I really don't like that I made people feel anxious about me snapping at them (by accident). I role-played with my partner about how to talk to someone in a nice tone of voice when I am trying to say something urgently. I got the hang out it more, which is good, but I am so frustrated right now. I get so frustrated when I find out about something else I have trouble with that I didn't even know I have trouble with.

This has been a very bad day.

Have you apologized to your colleagues?

I have been in this situation before where I feel I was accidentally rude and it's been dwelling on me. I usually take some time to go and speak to them and apologize and explain that I didn't intend to come across as rude. This always seems to go down well, and 9 times out of 10 the other person said they didn't think I was being rude, or didn't notice.

Why should she apologise? There is nothing to apologise for. If anything, those she 'offended' should apologise to her, for being so hypersensitive and for reading way too much into her tone of voice. How can anyone possibly be held responsible for how others will react to the way they naturally are?

Well the impression I got was that it was dwelling on VeggieGirl that she felt she had come across as rude by mistake, not that her colleagues had accused her of being rude. I have often found myself in that situation, so I shared how I deal with it, and that I mostly have positive results from doing so. I'll say things like "Oh hey, by the way I'm sorry that I ignored you earlier, I was in a world of my own and I only realized after you'd gone past that you'd said hello to me!" and usually they'll say something like "Haha. Yeah I assumed you were just deep in thought, don't worry about it."

Of course it's up to VeggieGirl how she chooses to deal with it, I'm not suggesting she must or should apologize, I'm just sharing one of my coping mechanisms for such situations.

Did your colleagues tell you that they thought you were being rude? It might not be as bad as you think.

A couple of weeks ago I said something rude to a colleague, who made a face to show that he thought it was rude too, and I was really stressed over the weekend. On Monday, I apologized for being rude and he totally brushed it off and said it was nothing - he wasn't upset or shocked at all. So it wasn't as bad as I thought.

Also, even if you did say something rude, everyone upsets someone at some point - NT or Aspie or whatever. It's part of being human. What makes us good humans is being able to forgive and forget - others as well as ourselves.

Hope that helps x

Thank you all for your replies!

I did apologize to my coworkers, but then, over a week later, my supervisor talked to me about it. She was really nice about it, and she said maybe I was not picking up on their social cues. I was really upset. My partner thinks it's a voice modulation issue. Either way, it was an accident and I felt bad.

I am just trying to continue to make improvements in my social skills. They've gotten really good (for me), but I still have times of things like this happening.

Thank you again for your support. I was having a very bad day and still feel bad when I think about it. I am trying to not dwell on it, but it does still bother me.

It's good that your supervisor was nice about it.

Try not to expect perfection from yourself ... No-one can achieve that. Life is a learning curve for everyone.