Shutdowns and the Daily Grind

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I'm 38, just got diagnosed last year, and vary in my performance levels.

It's becoming clear that I am beginning to shut down daily after about 4-6 hours at work. This is usually after I have had a couple meetings.

It's difficult to think, but I can fight through it for a while. At a certain point, I just can't fight it any more, but luckily then it's time to go home. It's like a headache, but isn't. I often think of it like I'm trying to swim against the current to get anything done at all, even just basic thinking, and the current gets harder the more I try.

I almost always get this in the afternoons during the work week, my whole life. I thought it was due to my celiac, to other food issues (I have problems with histamine, which is in everything to one degree or another). But now I am keeping my diet very clean, and I'm still getting this. Some days or even for a whole week I don't get it and I think I've hit on the right diet.

But now it's clear it's not diet. It's stress (also histamine, but who knows what is actually going on?) -- stress from the meetings I'm in. At a certain point, in the second or third meeting, my brain checks out for a few seconds, then a few more. I start stimming quietly. I have to unfocus my eyes to keep pretending to maintain eye contact. I try some deep breaths and basic mindfulness meditation, focusing on the other person's voice. I try to run out after the meeting for a walk and some more meditation.

Is this sustainable? After a stressful week, I spend my weekends in a daze, recovering however I can. If I can avoid meetings all week, I feel full of energy on the weekends and get to enjoy my life.

And then there are the wild cards. Am I up to socializing (after work, on the weekends) or not? Will the group talk about narrow topics I can manage or is it going to be a free-for-all conversation where I will "mess up" and they will look at me like I'm crazy? It's difficult to gauge my strength at the end of a busy day. I thought I could go to a ukulele club meeting for the first time last Saturday, and had to run out of there after just 20 minutes -- there was too much noise, too much going on.

And now I'm sitting at work, on a Monday, already fighting it off again, at 3pm.

How do I manage to work for days, weeks at a time and then suddenly lose the ability? Do I just have more meetings all of a sudden (the case now)? Is it connected to what I eat or not? Is it connected to my meditation or does that really do nothing? Why does it get worse when I exercise regularly -- I thought that was supposed to help? What is going on?

I'm going out now for a long, slow walk, some meditation, and some ice cream, and then try to come back for a few more hours of (silent) work. At the moment, my head is not giving me much to use. Just typing this up is...very hard.

Anyone feel the same at work/school?

I had a sudden "Agh!" moment at that last line. I do feel this way at work. I have often thought that the state is like a deep migraine with the pain all sucked out, with a sort of caffeine-crash sensation. Like a mental explosive decompression but in super slow-motion. Eventually pain does start but is not migraine-like at all.
I also believed for a long time that it must be diet related, but after all sorts of variations, it doesn't seem to be.

It usually starts to appear after 2pm and more likely on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. For some reason, I get this weakness much more often on a normal working week, and less so on shift weeks where I work outside normal hours and days. If I pace morning work carefully and read in silence on breaks, I can generally keep it at bay longer. I get gastrointestinal discomfort and bloat up like hell whenever I feel this way.

I'm not really getting anything done at the weekend any more through resting.

I don't have anything useful to add, only that I think it's likely that whatever the underlying process is, I'm also affected by it.

Thanks for validating my experience. Sometimes I think I'm taking crazy pills.

When I was a kid coming home from school, I used to bake bread to deal with this feeling -- pounding dough and smelling it as it rose. Now meditation really helps, but if I hold off too long, my brain can't manage the meditation.

Anyway, thanks again. It's really helpful hearing other people's experiences as I sort this out.