When someone tells you "you can't"

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Angnix
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27 Feb 2019, 3:45 pm

I'll tell you guys what happened a week ago. I went to the talk therapist. I said I was feeling depressed over wanting a job and that I still look at job boards for jobs in my field. But she told me I can't do that, that I need to find a local part time job and need to come to accept that I can't work with birds anymore.

Anyway I had a total breakdown in her office and I got sent to the emergency room for saying I felt like dying but the hospital released me later after I recovered quickly.

What is most disabling me now is a combination of the meltdowns, my overall weakness and lack of stamina, and issues because my husband is so sick.

I did apply to two jobs recently I'm waiting to hear back from (one said they were accepting applications until March 1st and to wait to hear more after then) and the other one I just applied to. Both jobs involve going into classrooms as a guest speaker and teaching students about birds, and I did a job similar to that in the past very well. But both would require relocating!

I don't know if I should keep pursuing these jobs or not...


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Zinnia86
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27 Feb 2019, 4:59 pm

Why does she think that you can't work with birds anymore?

EDIT: I ask because it is possible that finding a local part time job is your best option right now, but that shouldn't necessarily mean you won't ever be able to work with birds again. But I don't know the full story of course.



Last edited by Zinnia86 on 27 Feb 2019, 7:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

BTDT
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27 Feb 2019, 6:01 pm

Change is hard for most Aspies. Maybe there is too much change chasing down these jobs? Maybe you need to settle down into a routine to regain your strength?



cberg
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27 Feb 2019, 6:07 pm

Pawning you off on the hospital system instead of just talking with you is cowardly & ridiculous quite frankly.

I would stay the hell away from such therapists.


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cberg
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27 Feb 2019, 8:40 pm

You do exactly that anyway. There's nothing else to it. Adversity is completely normal for most people.


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shortfatbalduglyman
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27 Feb 2019, 9:00 pm

Maybe what the counselors was trying to say, was that a local part time job, is much easier to get

There are not many jobs involving birds

The Mandated Reporter law is, by far, the greatest reason why I am reluctant to go to counseling

The counselor acts like the correct answer to "how are you doing" is "perfect". All other answers are wrong and the punishment for a wrong answer is 5150


Your counselor does not know your job prospects

Sometimes counselors make wrong statements

Their field is the Diagnosic statistical manual

Their field is not emotion and relationship

Their field is certainly not birds



BeaArthur
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28 Feb 2019, 12:59 am

At some times in life, choices we make limit other choices we might have made. Your marriage is one such choice. If your husband were in great shape physically and supporting the household financially, you might be more free to look for jobs you really love. There is nothing wrong with a job that is "just a job, not a career." I had one for many years. When I tried to pursue a professional career, I wasted several years of my life and never did complete my training.

You can't keep your options open indefinitely. At some point you have to narrow your choices, pick one and go with that.

I don't want to be the person who tells you to give up on bird jobs, but I'm not uncomfortable telling you to get a local, part-time job so you and your husband can concentrate on your health for a year or two.


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Angnix
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28 Feb 2019, 1:12 pm

My husband had a doctor's appointment today and his doctor told me after I mentioned working that he didn't feel comfortable with that thought because he said my husband shouldn't be left by himself... But I feel like I don't have much of a life though... My husband thinks what the doctor said wasn't very fair to me.


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stevens2010
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28 Feb 2019, 3:19 pm

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
The Mandated Reporter law is, by far, the greatest reason why I am reluctant to go to counseling


That is very perceptive indeed. I see many times that the wrong statement can bring a phalanx of government lawyers to bear on some poor patient, who has no money and whose life will be made way, way worse by what will happen.

Counselors have basically been turned into an arm of law enforcement. And many aspects of being partially disabled have been conveniently criminalized.



shortfatbalduglyman
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28 Feb 2019, 8:28 pm

Unless your counselor is precognitive, the counselor does not know that you can't have a certain job.

But the job you want could be too idealistic


For example when I was in the first grade, some students wanted to be baseball players, presidents. But there are only so many of them



BeaArthur
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28 Feb 2019, 9:08 pm

Angnix wrote:
My husband had a doctor's appointment today and his doctor told me after I mentioned working that he didn't feel comfortable with that thought because he said my husband shouldn't be left by himself... But I feel like I don't have much of a life though... My husband thinks what the doctor said wasn't very fair to me.

POUNCE ON THAT! At a minimum, get a respite worker paid for by Medicaid ... Your doctor says he shouldn't be left by himself.............. that's the key phrase.

Did your doctor feel this need of your husband's is temporary or long term? If it's temporary and he's expected to get better, he might do better in a convalescent home or rehabilitation facility. This is not the same as long term custodial care; facilities like this can help a patient stabilize after an illness or surgery. If it's a long term need, there are other discussions to be had.


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01 Mar 2019, 3:45 am

A lot of people get hung up on always being employed in their dream field.
A typical rule of thumb is the longer you're out of a job the harder it is to get another. Also, that getting a new job, whilst employed, is far easier than getting a job whilst unemployed.

A temporary job has good potential in putting your foot in the door for a dream job. It shows them that you're keen on working and are reliable and ready for employment. Not to mention it instantly puts you a step ahead of unemployed applicants.



Angnix
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01 Mar 2019, 6:35 pm

I posted about this on FB and I had a couple of people tell me that I was already doing the job that "I was meant to do" ie taking care of my husband is more important than me working. One person went as far as to say "That's what God wants you to do". Remember last year when I tried to work again and I separated from my husband and left him with my uncle to do it? One of my aunt's called me horrible back then because she had a sick husband and she quit a job to be his full time caregiver because that's what wives were supposed to do... (BTW RIP, her husband died only two days ago after loosing a battle with cancer).

Anyway my husband on the other hand says "I don't want to stumble all over your dreams" he's willing to go as far a staying in this apartment and getting someone to help him if I had to move for a job.

Another issue is how "pigeon-holed" I have become with my skills. Most of my prior jobs involved birds somehow. That's very specific and most people viewing a resume like that would be turned off. Also I cannot walk for many miles a day and I cannot lift a lot of weight and most of the bird jobs I see posted involve that.


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BeaArthur
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01 Mar 2019, 8:09 pm

I think those FB contacts were trying to be supportive, but it sure rubs me the wrong way.


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kayell
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14 Apr 2019, 2:35 pm

Oops, just saw how old this post was. I hope you have found what you need. If not, keep going. I'm a plant person. For people who work with living things like plants or birds, those can make a job a huge source of comfort and support.
............

I'm pretty opposed to people telling someone "You can't", especially without really good relevant reasons. Even then, they ought to be able to work with you to get to "You can."

On the other hand, given some of your restrictions such as your husbands health and need for a caretaker, and possible lack of prefered jobs in your area, you might need to ask some other questions of yourself:

Do you want/need a job for the money?

Do you want/need the job to get out of the house? IMO this is perfectly valid. Being a full time caretaker is HARD. Human beings need a break. If the doctors say your husband needs full time care, perhaps they can suggest other ways to help cover that need.

Do you want/need a job for self-satisfaction/self/actualization? If so, think about other ways to get that. Perhaps you could create a blog or website on local birds for kids. Maybe you could do paid or volunteer talks/classes for local schools, parks or nature centers on birds. Or...

If your husband's needs can be met in another location and relocating would not be damaging to either of you, if it would be beneficial...seriously consider what would happen if you took the relocation for the job. Weigh it out. I've had enough bad therapists that I wouldn't take one's advice, much less orders without plenty of consideration.


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