Help my husband's identity is wrapped around his inteligence

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I know I shouldn't complain so much about the guy I married, I knew that he was weird when I married him. (not as strange as me though), but the thing is, he identifies himself with his profession of Electrical Engineering. I keep trying to tell him how silly that is, and if he became a buggy whip maker and it got obsolete he would have to get out of it too. I told him that he doesn't need to identify himself with what he does for work. He also was treated poorly at the last two jobs he worked before this one. He had a boss that asked him "Why can't you be like everyone else?" I thought that was very rude and inconsiderate, but he unfortunately took it to heart.

He also recently had to drop a class in grad school. His parents we always pressuring him to go on to grad school, but that was never what excited him. He always said that the math professor was not straight forward enough with him and liked to play tricks on him. He knew the guy taught math but didn't really even like what he was teaching.

He constantly worries about keeping his job, and I have to explain to him simple things over and over again, like the fact the CEO laid off a third of the company is not your fault. Or, Its not your fault that a certain company decided to take advantage of naive newbie engineers. He blames himself too much for things that are not even his fault, things that everyone has to go through, and he gets upset when I try to mess with his somewhat admittedly warped view of the world.

The worst part is he worries that he doesn't work hard enough or that the work isn't challenging enough, or that its too challenging and not like what he learned in school. He worries about his intelligence and that he isn't smart enough, or that people will perceive him as being dumb. I told him that he needs to be open minded about learning new ways of thinking instead of being caught in this pseudo intellectual trap. He always tries to do what people want at work, and he gets frustrated when he gets things like conflicting orders from his boss and co-workers. Sometimes he is afraid to ask questions, or he takes other people's bad moods and problems as caused by him personally. I've tried to explain it over and over again. It got to the point a few months ago where his emotions were so difficult to deal with, I couldn't even leave the house for fear I would lose control of myself.

Men very often have their identity all wrapped up in what they "do" - it is the source of their self-identity. He may be a tad more self-centered than most in seeing EVERYTHING in the world around him as somehow his fault/problem/responsibility. Not sure how to solve that one.

It's a common thing for aspies to identify with their intelligence. I found it a trap, but it took me a long time to see that.

Your sound like an excellent spouse!

I don't really have any concrete advice - your ideas and statements seem very sound to me.

um I found the whole world of work very confusing. I failed to see it was basically a war game, and each section at work was at war with each other and required unquestioning allegiance to their various bosses. I thought I was there to do a job, but actually the main game is being a loyal soldier. I was always amazed at how lazy some people were at work, but they tended to be very good at the 'work' of being in a war game.

that's just how he is, if he identifies with his job is because he really likes what he does.
who says dealing with people doesn't suck

>>>>that's just how he is, if he identifies with his job is because he really likes what he does.

The last two jobs he had, he didn't actually enjoy the work. He says he doesn't like doing things he is not good at. I told him that he always needs to keep learning new things. He says he wants to do what he is good at. He doesn't seem to understand that you always have to start as a newbie and the important thing is to learn new things and not be closed minded about learning on the job.

Is he an aspie? If so, you can talk to him about being open-minded and so forth until you are blue in the face but it won't do a whit of good. I'm a female and I think a bit like your husband but not to the same degree. Trying to make him change when he doesn't want to will only frustrate the two of you. I know it's hard, but try not to take it too personally when he gets upset about his work.

well, how well you do your job nowadays counts for very little when it comes to globalization. I've seen hundreds of people laid off, jobs outsourced, etc., even the outsourcing countries are sending them here. Always keep an open mind, don't turn down training, and be aware of the business conditions in your field.

I dunno, Electrical Engineering tends to bring a certain type of person to it (well, I'm prejudiced, my Dad's retired from it.. but it's a fast-changing field.

unless the job requires he get a grad school degree (or the job possibilities are better for that), it's his life. I'd say if you have the opportunity, go for it, but if it really isn't helping, then maybe another masters degree is worth considering.