When do the little things stop hurting?

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I didn't see my kids all day, and they got home just before I had to leave for work. Per my ususal pattern, I attacked everyone with hugs and kisses and questions about their days.

E clearly wanted a hug, but had to face away from me and stand rigidly while he got it in order to feel comfortable. He did kind of lean into me, and he giggled when I picked him up to hold him closer, so I know he really wanted the connection. His little body just insists on rejecting touch.

Why does that stuff hurt to see? Tell me that I'll never get to the point where it's easier to give in to his reactions than to push my loves on him.

I just picture attacking him the same way when he's 16 and the physical reaction makes sense neurotypically. Will I be able to figure out what he really means then?

Yeah, it hurts sometimes.
Just like when my son says he loves his cat more than me - and I kind of believe him

I learned to let him give me hugs when HE wants to - or at least give him fair warning (I know you don't like it much, but I've just gotta give you a hug!) And I had to teach him not to hug me round my neck, cause he hugs so hard it feels like my neck will snap!
Maybe he will never outgrow the sensitivity to touch. Hugging hard seems to be easier for him.
So perhaps we should just be pleased that our kids actually do want to hug once in a while - your son clearly showed that he wanted to - and accept that they have limitations, because of the way their nervous systems are wired up.
We have to be big enough to let them be the people they are. Hugs and kisses aren't love.

I heard a relly good description once: when you find out you have an autistic child, it's like having a triagular stone spinning in your heart, it hurts. Over the years the stone is worn to a circle. It doesn't hurt so much, but it's still there.

i'm not really a huggy sort of person, but i do know what you mean.we're at the point with my 15 year old that i ask if i can hug him. sometimes he says yes~more often he says no....i try to not let it hurt, but it does.

[quote="katrine"]Yeah, it hurts sometimes.
Just like when my son says he loves his cat more than me - and I kind of believe him

I learned to let him give me hugs when HE wants to - or at least give him fair warning (I know you don't like it much, but I've just gotta give you a hug!) And I had to teach him not to hug

I have a worse situation. I have an AS, but my younger daughter does not.
So she clings on me, she hugs me constantly, especially when she is sick.And I often want to walk away, because I cn't stand so much of it.

Love conquers all and it's obvious you love this child very much. The key here is to keep on doing what you're doing.

This is the part of life where Aspie's like me aren't supposed to have any perception, but that's not exactly true for most of us...

All of us in my family are "on the spectrum", me, my wife, both teenaged sons. He sounds like my youngest son, who we always explain to others is a "cat boy". When he wanted to be held, he'd come and climb up in your lap, like the cats do, and when he didn't want to be, he'd stiffen up and wiggle away, just like the cats.

Or putting it another way, it never stops hurting when someone turns away from you when you express love. However, it doesn't sound as if he's turning away from the love, just the TOUCH. At times for an Aspie, especially after being under stress (such as school or bus ride etc.) just being TOUCHED is almost painful. It can feel like our nerves are raw....

I want to clarify that when I speak of hugging him "against his will" I am talking about times when he is rigid and facing away from me, but still very much wants a hug, as evidenced by his smiles and (when I ask) telling me that he does want one.

I wonder if wrapping him in a blanket before I hug him would be helpful.

If he ever gets to the point where he truly does not want to be touched, I'll respect that but it will break my heart completely.

I didn't get enough touch and snuggles as a child, although my parents loved me very much. I would hate with all my heart for any child of mine to grow up feeling that way.

Katrine, I want to engrave your description someplace where I can read it every day. I really needed to see it.

I'm on the spectrum and don't like to receive a lot of affection from people but I love lots of affection from dogs and cats. So why is that?

As for my kids, when I want to be affectionate to my aspy son, I usually scratch his back. He likes it. Maybe back scratching is a habit I picked up from being affectionate to the animals? I hug my proundly autistic daughter but taught to that if she says "Let go" the hug stops immediately. She likes having that kind of control.

When my kids were very young, I held them all the time. I liked thinking that they were safe when they were with me.

I am extremely affectionate with 2 of my 3 sons diagnosed with Asperger's.

One of my son loves being scratched behind the ears.

My youngest (not diagnosed but could be on the spectrum) often asks if we can have a cuddle in bed. When we get to bed I'm not allowed to touch him. I just have to lie next to him. It's difficult because I want to cuddle him, but if I do he screams.

I sneak into my sons' bedroom when they're asleep and give them a hug then. They never wake up.

Helen

This thread makes me sad.

My husband is like this. When we first got together, he had to take a trip out west for a few days. When he got home, I had missed him and wanted to be near him and touch him. I remember vividly being in bed next to him and rubbing his arm. Very briskly he said, "Touch, don't rub!" I didn't know he had AS then, nor did he. I'd never met anyone who acted in that manner, and I felt very hurt. He has a lot of trouble with touch, so often I have to ask if it is okay to hug him unless I want a not-so-favorable response. He's never mean about it, I just know that I won't get a warm and fuzzy back. Sometimes he is very rigid, and I know he is only hugging me for my sake - and I don't want that. I know why, but it still hurts. Does that ever go away? Probably not.

My daughter is autistic, mildly. She is too affectionate, always wanting to hang and cling and hug. I try to accomodate. Between all of us (husband, me, little brother and the poor family cat lol) her needs are met in terms of affection.

My son, also diagnosed with autism, is just now beginning to be affectionate at two. The other day he offered me a kiss!! ! I didn't even have to ask That was a huge, heartwarming milestone for us.

On an affection scale of 1-10, most NT's being an 8, we're kind of like this:

Me: 5-6
Hubby: 3
Son: 4
Daughter: 10

My entire childhood I longed for someone to hug me. My mom claims I never wanted to be touched. But thats not true, as young as preschool I wanted very badly to be hugged. I never was.

I don't know if my body posture sent out signals saying I didn't want to be touched, but I do know that as a teen i had no clue what to do with my hands when I was hugged. A counselor hugged me once. Then she stepped back and apologized. I guess because I didn't hug back. It was the first hug I had been given in years

i don't recall how adept your son is at communicating, so i don't know if this will work, but.....why not talk to him and tell him that you want to try an experiment~and then experiment with different kinds of touch. a gentle rub on his arm may be more "painful" than a firm hug. you could try wrapping him in a blanket as you suggested, but he might not like that any more than being hugged without one. my hubby, who's aspie, is better at hugs now that i understand him better. as long as i tell him that i need a hug, or that i want to give him a hug~ he's generally ok. sometimes, though, it's just too much.

Thank you, Ster. I'll do that in the morning.

I thought of the blanket because he will often get two or three small blankets off his bed and kind of nest in them on the couch, so I know that the touch of a lovey is pleasant.

My son is pretty articulate, although he does have trouble expressing his feelings.

good luck ! let us know how it turns out.

Having two large dogs and one hug-happy parent who's smaller than me, I can honestly say it's easier to cuddle my dog for me than it is to hug parents. I can't even tell why.

...However, hugging / having an arm around my girlfriend is no problem.

My 2 yr. old daughter likes to be hugged and tickled, but does not know how to give kisses. Sometimes my husband rubs here feet in circles and that drives me crazy ! (And I'm an NT,)
I tell him not to rub her and remind him that she has been diagnosed with sensory SID