Meltdowns killing our relationship

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One of those situations where what is best for one unique child can run smack into reality.

I'm totally on-board, in theory, with Ouinon on this, but we didn't have the luxury of allowing it, either. Fortunately, my AS son was ready when we needed him to be; my NT daughter was actually more problematic, and she continued to have frequent accidents through age 5, and even had one at age 7. The preschool accepted accidents, as long as they could tell the child was "mostly" trained. I'm just glad I wasn't there cleaning it all up all the time!

Still, for a parent to allow a child to be on his own time for as many skills as possible is a positive thing. It's all about balance, picking and choosing battles, as basically all of parenting is.

I hope singing can work for you! My son wasn't musical but it worked anyway, lol. If he had been musical, I am sure it would have been a plus. I have to say, one thing I enjoyed about the routine was how much other adults liked it. As self-conscious as I tended to be about singing in my poor voice in public, people always seemed amazed (and happy) that it worked so well. OK, I'm not AS, but I really, really liked having that affirmation, of people around me responding with smiles and positive comments to a parenting choice.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 11 Aug 2008, 1:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, nightmare.


Golly, how on earth did that happen? How do you get a staph infection from nappy use?


I know, that was one of the main reasons why I felt such pressure to toilet train at 3 and again at 4. Not having a baby at all would have been even better.

Had friends living on a little abandoned farm at one point whose two young children ran around pissing in the bushes, and sh*****g in a couple of hay toilets, and if they didn't manage to it wasn't a problem.

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That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I want him out of the daycare he's in right now, the teacher has been pressuring me to teach him to dress himself and put his shoes/socks on (shoes are easy, socks are a nightmare), which makes me not like her so much, but I realize we're pretty much stuck with it until he can go to school in his spiderman undies. School system is in the process of evaluating him for special ed, but can't see him for a formal eval until late August, we're almost there, might get saved by the bell, but even then I'll probably need an afterschool program of some sort for him.

He's picking up potty training pretty well all things considered, and I don't think I'm rushing him too much, he seems to be getting it. Clothes are a mystery - he, like myself, has spatial/motor-planning issues (we both dance beautifully until we run right into a wall, lol) but I get frustrated when he doesn't practice. And there is so much outside pressure all of a sudden.

Basically it's a diaper rash that gets infected-- the moisture and lack of breathability caused by diapers is an ideal breeding ground for staph.

That's another concern of mine, though, is that if I keep doing things for him, he will expect it. I don't actually ask him to do things for me that I could do for myself ("hey kid, bring mommy the remote!") and it's actually easier for me to put his clothes on for him. A LOT easier.

I didn't put clothes on all by myself until I was about 5. I don't really care about shirts and soforth, but potty training (which he gets the concept of) won't happen until he can at least pull his pants down/up. Unfortunately, I have to work and he has to go to preschool without me.

If your son is HFA and only 3.5 years old, you need to realize that he can't always follow through with what you're telling him to do. He might not actually understand what you are asking him to do, then you throw in some yelling then he's completing confused.

My son did not dress himself (all by himself) until around age 6. He sometimes has great difficulty understanding me, even though he talks very well. Only at age 10, has he started to ask me to repeat what I just said when he doesn't understand. When he was younger, he wouldn't try to figure out my words and it took me a long time to understand how little he was grasping at times.

I feel bad for you. It will definitely try your patience to parent a young child with ASD. Do you get any special ed services through the school. He should probably qualify for special ed preschool and they will work on self-help skills.

Thanks for your reply. Please read my post where I said "we have an interivew with the school system special ed team" or something to that effect.

There seems to be the general idea that my expectations are too high. Okay, I get that. Let me put a finer point on it: what is there that I can do now to be solution-oriented, to repair our relationship, and to help him learn? Patience is obviously not my strong point, nor is it his.

Yeah, obviously yelling isn't the best thing to do. I feel horrible about it. That's why I'm posting this.

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I actually meant the opposite, that by teaching a child to do things themselves which they don't yet feel any need to do, just because you need/want them done, you teach that it is right to expect people to do things whether they want to or not, simply because someone else wants them to.


This makes me think, because it is so often apparently the reason for the pressures on children to do stuff before they are ready, whether it was/is the last 25 years of absence of either parent, or other close family, at home in the lives of most children today which is fuelling the increase in numbers of children diagnosed as AS/ADHD etc. Children who would have learned, later, now aren't allowed to. Now they have to do it by age 3/4.

So many of the difficulties that I read about in this forum are the result of social pressures, whether child-care rules, or school, etc, requiring children to attain one standard of development after another, which 50 years ago did not exist, in order to enable their parents to deposit them somewhere while they both go out to work.

When did the "freedom to work" for women become an obligation/necessity? When did children become bondsmen/apprentices from 3/4/5 years old obliged to work long hours and achieve targets which previously they had 3-5 more years to arrive at, because their parents are so poorly paid that both of them have to work to support the family?

AS is a socially-produced phenomenon. Give children time again, and many of the problems which occur and reoccur here would vanish overnight.

PS. And school is one of the most powerful and widespread and socially accepted mechanisms for "killing" parent-child relationships, for separating the generations, for rendering parents redundant, irrelevant, ridiculous in the eyes of their children.

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Yep. I agree in theory. I wish society were structured with families' (not businesses', not governments') best interests in mind. I wish I didn't have to work and leave him with someone else. I wish I could assist him at the level I want to. The guilt makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. Every day. But I can't just not work. Not and have a place to live, too. And to come full circle, I don't feel good about leaving him with his dad, because his dad doesn't really interact with him. He doesn't know how to.

I am trying to teach him and I am not a good teacher. I am frustrated with myself/the situation, actually, not with him. He is getting it, but the pressure is getting to me.


I'm not so sure about this. A phenomenon that is more easily recognized in the context of our society? Yeah. A phenomenon that occurs because of it? Not sure.

Hi, I'm new to broken households and learning myself.
I understand that your ex is out of work but not watching your son. I question the necessity of that? Perhaps there is an underlying issue with why he is unable to work or watch your son and that's a whole other kettle of fish. But if he is able to watch your son, he should and thus alleviate your financial problems with daycare for the time being. The fact that you're paying child support and daycare when your ex could be watching him more often sounds very aggravating. Just my opinion.

Since your son has speech issues, it's very likely he doesn't absorb/comprehend what you are saying verbally when you say it. Many autistic kids can have uneven speech skills, they can express themselves or follow a script and sound appropriate. At the same time, they may not understand "simple" instructions or descriptions. The best way to deal with this and still promote speech is to write down schedules and instructions. Drawing pictures and writing down simple directions helps a child model the expected behavior. Using a familiar character, a favorite hero, doing the action really encourages the child.
I know for privacy reasons, your son may not see other children using the potty at daycare. My son didn't start using a toilet until he was enrolled in special ed preschool and was introduced to urinals in public restrooms. It took quite a few months for him to bring that new skill home. He wasn't out of pull ups until 5 and he was still bed-wetting until 7.

As far as the tantrums go, been there, done that too. Your best bet is to redirect yourself from the situation. Find something to laugh at or think about. I often found that the calmer I was, the smoother it went with my son, further making me feel even better about the situation.

PS I just read your comment about his dad. Is his dad unsafe? Do the cons really outweigh the pros? If your ex can provide a safe place and follow basic conditions, then you should really consider asking him too. Or take away the child support. If you can find a way to alleviate your financial burden, you may be able to deal with your stress issues easier-or even provide a more direct teaching opportunity for your son.

Wow, I never meant for it to seem like his dad was unsafe. Not unsafe, just not much of a teacher. Griffin has demonstrated benefits from an enriching environment, and it is consensus that his dad, while being a nice, protective, loving father, thinks nothing of planting Griff (or himself) in front of the TV for hours. Or behind a baby gate while Dad is on the computer.



This is true. Sometimes I wonder how much he really gets. When he does follow directions, it takes him a few seconds to a) realize I'm talking to him b) understand what I mean. c) follow through. While I realize this on one level, and it helped me to realize this, it still doesn't keep me from losing it that one-out-of-a-hundred times. I wish it did.



His dad and I actually used to let him watch us use the restroom for this reason.



This, and the advice of time-outs for parent and child alike, is very good advice.

I learned the hard way that this doesn't always work. My son never learned from watching mommy and daddy doing stuff. It was always initiated by seeing other kids. Plus, I lost a lot of boundaries with personal space that led to increased problems with my son and husband.

Well, I guess you're right about that. I think it did make him more comfortable, though. He at least has not yet showed fear of the flush or of falling in.

That was how it was with our sons. It gets better as they get older.

In the meantime, you might have to start to accept that he will appear to ignore you. It feels like he's being malicious, but he's not - he's just engrossed and probably isn't reading your mood.

It's good to let your children know that things can upset you and that you can be angered but it's also a good thing to teach them that you can control such anger. Lead by example and send a consistent message. (It's the same deal as hitting them while saying "stop hitting").

As far as being a terrible parent.... well, a terrible one wouldn't admit it for a start, and secondly, a terrible parent wouldn't seek help. I think you're probably doing a fine job of parenting and that you need to focus more on your positives.

The best advice I was given at the time was "pick your battles". Some things aren't worth fighting over because you DO want your child to have a lot of happy memories of home. Does it really matter if he eats with his finger etc... (that's not your problem but that's my 7 year-old's current problem despite the fact that his 4 year-old brother uses his fork). Don't sweat the small stuff - and get someone to help if possible.

the other thought i had that goes directly with someof myothers is that right now you may be resenting your son a little bit for keeping you tied to his father. if you did not have him you would not have to deal with your ex and work to pay for him not to work.
add to that the fact that your son has a diagnosis, sometime syou may just wonder why this is all happening.
i know i went through the same thing.

i also wonder if ther eis not some jealousy for your ex, he is not working and can stay at home all day with your son if he wanted to, but even when he has him he doesn't do anything with that time, and if he just worked and paid you child support you could stay home with your son and do things with him to enrich his life and not have such a hectic schedule etc.

i'm not sure how long you have been seperated/divorced but it takes a lot of time to heal from that and if you're working and raising kids you don't get a lot of time to do that.

can you leave him with your ex even part time as a child care provider while you're at work, paying for 2 less days of child care may help to relieve some of tht financial burden even if it is unfortunately a day of tv send along some educational videos or something.