Does it bother you to have an aide? Or if your child has one

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For those who've had aides in school -- did it bother you?

For those parents whose child has had aides in school -- did it bother you? Did you feel it was necessary?

My son has had aides in school -- elementary school, in the very early grades. As he moved up in grade, the school systematically (and very rightly, in my opinion) peeled away the aides little by little to promote independence.

In Middle School, my son hasn't had aides (other than for a couple of weeks at the beginning of school). This year, he grew quickly, and his current meds weren't working, so he has been having some difficulty in school (while still getting A's and B's). I just found out that he has been having an aide in at least a couple of classes, and my initial response is anger -- whether that is warranted or not. I'm not in class with him, so I don't know what difficulties they are having with him, other than that he doesn't pay attention and he doesn't catch on to directions, in-class or for homework. The new meds he is taking are just now starting to work. He is not happy to have an older woman sitting next to him in English class, but he is passive and not inclined to rock the boat. While she is there, she sometimes takes notes for him (he does not take notes because he cannot listen to a lecture and write at the same time). The trouble is -- he doesn't really need to take notes. The vocabulary is in a book and he's getting 100% on the tests. The other notes the aide takes is general knowledge stuff that he isn't being tested on. Because this woman is there, my son just sits there and doesn't even TRY to take notes.

I just feel like, especially in 8th grade, this is social suicide for him. I also feel like having an aide, for him, is a crutch -- if he needs to learn how to take notes, as hard as that may be, then HE needs to do it -- not have an aide do it for him. If I am wrong, let me know.

I don't think there is a black and white answer to this. It depends on the individual child and what those that know that child best feel they need. My daughter is 16 and gets extra support in some classes but in the majority she copes on her own. We have to keep a careful watch though because if the situation arises that she needs more help, she won't say or ask.

I guess I forgot to ask the truly important question --

When your child goes from NOT having an aide, to getting an aide, does the school administration let you know? I think what bothers me most is that nobody told me this is what is going on. If I knew the WHY, then I might agree with an aide being with my son. But not having been notified of the need, and therefore the aide, I feel like we as parents were completely out of the loop.

All throughout school I wished I had an aide. I desperately needed one, as I was failing miserably in almost everything. I might have been able to stay in public school with a little help.

As far as "social suicide" goes, yeah other kids think of kids with aides as "ret*d", but I don't think that's a problem for people with Asperger's...

In our case, it is usually the result of me raising the need. My daughter is very good at performing the 'everything is ok' role at school. Usually they are the last to know that there is a problem and I am the first. For example, if there is something she cannot cope with in a particular class, she will mimic those around her and act like everything is ok. Then she comes home, walks in the door and all hell lets loose.

I have found the best way of keeping in the loop is by keeping on top of things, which is not always easy. Find a convenient way of keeping up communication. Asking the teacher at the end of class doesn't work for me. I email them. Anything my daughter raises or that I'm not sure about, I email them straight away. I have one person who acts as my contact. He liases with the other staff and then gets back to me. So far it seems to be going well.

So I would say to you, ask them why they have to done this and tell them that you are concerned that you weren't kept informed. As an ex-teacher, I can say that any decent teacher would be pleased to have a parent wanting to know and understand this type of stuff. Unfortunate, but true, is the fact that lots of parents think their responsibilities end at the school gate.

I agree with MotherKnowsBest; you've got to know your child and encourage him to tell you when something is wrong at school. You've got to do your best to keep in touch with the school staff. It's great to have a liason of sorts; when I was growing up that person was usually my homeroom teacher or school counselor (or even the principal if things got a bit dicey, lol).

As a counselor and former aide, I can definitely also agree that we appreciate when parents make it a point to communicate effectively with us.

Does your son have the same aide all the time? or does he have different ones depending on the day/week/class?

In my experience, the best aides are always more like tutors. They spend more time teaching students the things they need help with (i.e. how to take good notes, etc) instead of just doing everything for them.

The best advice I can offer is to tell your son's school administration everything that you have expressed on this board. Good luck!

One more thing I forgot to add: most of my work as an aide was less on the academic side and more on the social side of things. If your son is doing well academically then it seems that the best thing his aide can do for him is be a good friend...

and sometimes being a good friend means nudging him out of his social comfort zone, helping him with his listening skills, offering emotional support when he truly needs it, but ultimately keeping enough distance for him to make new friends.

I can't speak for myself, as the schools that I went to didn't "do" aides (other than elementary school, where they were reserved for the mentally ret*d children).

My current boyfriend had an aide for elementary school (ADHD and ODD), and he hated it. He only got more violent after the aide was introduced. He would get frustrated when the other children would play nice when the aide was around, but taunt him even harder when she wasn't. By high school, his parents put their foot down and withdrew him from "special services".

He currently attends a small college studying culinary arts, and he is required to have an aide as part of Voc Rehab. He also hates it. He feels that she gets in his way and talks down to him too much. For example, she'll insist on helping him make everything instead of making one, and letting him do the remainder of the items.

You have to be careful with assigning aides to your children. Elementary schools are willing to grant them for mildly disabled children nowadays, but you generally find few middle schools who are willing to put up with a child who hasn't developed independent classroom skills yet, and even fewer high schools who are willing to do the same (and the ones that DO still have seperate special ed rooms with bright wallpaper and alphabet banners). Which is why many schools will tell you to start weaning around grades three or four.

I think that depends on what country you are in.

I am actually working greally hard to get my son an aide he really needs one and his ability to cope with his schoolwork would greatly improve.