Not a good influence....

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My son 5 made a friend early on in preschool. He glues to this kid and doesnt want to play with anyone esle.

I'm extremely happy for him that he has found a friendship. BUT this child is a negative influence on my son because of his behaviour. This child is allowed to get away with things that I do not think is appropriate at all.. I wont go into them in detail but this child plays dangerously and has too many not so nice things to say and do.

I have stopped all play dates with this child. He is not a good influence a very negative one and I dont want my follow child picking up on this behaviour thinking it is acceptable....

How do I influence my son to play with other children. How do I explain to my son that this friend of his is not a good person to play with?

The only thing you can do is make sure your child know YOUR opinions and beliefs about things. Don't diss the bad kid - just instiill good beliefs in your own son. Let him logic out that the bad kid is bad and naaturally gravitate away.

If your son is anything like mine, if you take away that friend, he will find the next worst friend. My son has always only had one school friend, and it is always the child in his class with the worst behavior problems. I believe this is because there are no social expectations with these types of children. They don't have to talk about anything. They can yell 'armpit juice' in the middle of class together and that is considered friendship. They don't have to talk about home, pets, mom, dad, school, toys, friends, they just goof off together. All you can do is point out that he is in control of his own behavior and he makes bad choices for himself when he is with this child. You can put all the responsibility on him, because it is on him, no matter who he is friends with. Last year my son had a major issue. He finally recognized that he just cannot control himself around his one friend (who had major psychological and behavior problems) so he wanted to stop being friends with him. He tried, but the kid wouldn't leave him alone. This year, he doesn't have any kids in his class with severe behavior problems, therefore he has no friends.

I don't think it is a good idea to try and control who a child is friends with. Influence, maybe. Control, no. It will backfire.

Kids can learn early on that different families have different rules and that you will NOT tolerate him emulating certain behaviors he sees from his friend. My AS son had no trouble absorbing that; I don't know if other AS kids do, but mine did not. He knew which rules applied to him, and what would happen if he broke those rules.

You can also enforce your rules on all kids in your home. If you have the play dates at your home, you are in control. You may make the rules clear to the other child, plus what the consequences will be if he breaks them (usually a warning, and then on a second or third infraction, an immediate end to the play date; or, take a positive stance, and tell him that if he can refrain from behavior X for an hour, you'll take everyone out to ice cream).

As for encouraging friendships with other kids, it helps if you get to know the kids that are available as play mates, and spend time around those children with your son. Then you can say things like, "Did you know Mike likes to build airplanes from legos? Maybe you can play airplane with Mike!" And so on.

Speaking as the mom of a "bad kid"... perhaps there's a way to handle it without depriving your child of the friendship. Do you have any idea what issues might be influencing the other child's behavior? Perhaps he's on the spectrum too and that's why they like each other.

It can be a difficult balance, I know... but I'm grateful that the parents of the kids my son likes haven't cut him off, even though he sometimes has difficult behaviors. And he is improving a lot over time. Perhaps your child could be a good influence.

You can't pick and chose your child's friends'. If the child isn't harming your child, let it be.

Thank you for your replies

I will take your advice on board. I hadn't thought that trying to keep him away would have the opposite affect.

There will be no more playdates with this particular kid, school contact will be the limit and I'll just have to try and reinforce our rules when I see behaviour that is not the norm for DS.

Willaful, I'm all for letting my child hang around children of all personalities and races. But this particular kid's parents set absolutely NO boundaries for him whatsoever and they have no values or morals. Their kids basically run wild to do,say and watch whatever they like with no consequences....
If his parents were trying everything in their power to set boundaries and create a safe happy environment for this child then I wouldn't have an issue with my son playing with him. It's the fact that the parents dont rein him in at all.
He is not on the spectrum.
I'm sure you are doing all that you can do and more for your son including setting boundaries etc, I'm dealing with a different situation. Hope that makes sense.

I realize some parents drop the ball with their kids, but I don't like letting the kids pay the price. Kids living in situations like that can respond really well to your efforts to teach them better. Like I said in my earlier posts, when kids come over, it's my house, my rules. We kind of took one little lost soul in, he so badly wanted someone to, and it was a good experience for both him and my son. My son never copied the child's bad habits, and the child learned many better new ones from us. Plus, he was big and tough and when he hung out with my son, my son was instantly insulated from bullying

There are always many sides to every coin.

I just want to second what DW a mom said, at our house having the friends over is always a Yes. Their house always a no, outside always a no. The reason is, because every family has different rules and I need to be sure that you are following my rules. When the kids are more challenging than most, I will limit the time to when I am REALLY available to watch everything.

I have two boys, one is 15 NT and the other is 10 AS, they have both had challenging friends. I have to say that the time I spent with those kids has been invaluable as the kids have grown. The troubled kid at five is still the troubled kid at 15. It is great that I know him and I have his respect. The rules in my home are firm and clear, and the one kid I am thinking about still addresses me as Mrs. "Kailuamom" with perfect manners.

My son played with him about three times before the relationship waned.