Feeling so fed up with my AS pre-teen (a vent)

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First of all, let me make it very clear that I adore both of my children. I have an NT 9 year old and a 13 year old, pre-pubescent son with AS and ADHD.

I'm going to say a lot of negative stuff in this post, because I need to vent, but I really do love them both and enjoy their company much of the time.

It seems like my AS son has zero tolerance for anything that isn't his special interest. All he wants to do is sit and play this computer game, talk about the game, or, in moments of creativity, draw a picture related to the game.

Recently, I've started developing my own interests, particularly anything related to theater. I would like to be able to get out and maybe take an acting class, see a few community theater plays, or anything in between. I'm also really itching to just get out of the house, other than grocery shopping, and the same little walk around town.

But I can't do anything, because I'm tied to my AS son, who can't handle anything. If it were all about sensory issues, I'd understand, but that's not it. He just gets "bored", and can't tolerate being bored.

Today, for instance---my younger son was hungry because we had been eating Chinese food, and his own sensory issues make it hard for him to enjoy it. So we told him we'd take him to McDonald's. So we all get ready to go, and then my AS son announces that he hates McDonald's and will only come with us if we go to Wendy's. (He's nowhere near ready to be left home alone.) Wendy's is too far out of the way, and not a good option. Besides, I'm so tired of our lives being tied down to what he is willing to do. So, finally, after a bunch of unpleasantness, we get him to McDonalds. He eats his food and then keeps bugging the rest of us to hurry up.

Then we stop into the auto parts store to try and find a particular item for installing a new car stereo. (We had warned him, but he actively tunes out anything people say that isn't related to his special interest, so he misses stuff.) The 9-year-old behaved just fine, but the 13-year-old couldn't handle the "boredom", so he started running around the aisles and doing a silly walk, which meant he kept almost knocking stuff over. He was chanting, "Bored. Bored. Bored."

It was humiliating. When I took him outside to talk to him about it, he said, "But it's not MY fault I get bored. How come nobody understands that it's NOT MY FAULT that I get bored?"

I don't get it. I don't comprehend boredom, really, because I find my own thoughts and observations inherently interesting. I also don't comprehend the need to be constantly entertained by some outside source. He seems to feel contempt for every thing that isn't his special interest. He hates all people, except the small handful of people we know. He hates all experiences that are not related to his special interest. We can't go to a library, a museum, a shopping street, a park, a movie, a play, a concert, a friend's house, take a bus or train, or anything, because he can't tolerate the "boredom" for more than about a minute. If I happen to be stuck in a situation that I find less than riveting, I just allow myself to be content with the scenery, people-watching, or whatever. I don't become dissatified and start complaining. I find it hard to understand why he can't do that too. Why he had to spread his dissatisfaction around, so that no one else can enjoy themselves.

I'm honestly becoming kind of resentful. I've been developing interests of my own, which I would like to pursue, but I feel like I'm trapped with him. I'm not getting any younger, and I want to experience certain things in life. But I can't, because there is no one else to take care of him, so I can't really go anywhere or do anything without him right there. With occasional exceptions.

I had the good fortune of being able to take a short trip to New York, to see my favorite actor (my own "special interest") onstage in a play, and it was so wonderful to be able to experience life freely, without being tied down to someone who is pacing back and forth, huffing and puffing about how stupid everything is. Well, that was three days of my life, but I can't do that often, because it's a major expense.

Can anyone here relate to this? I hope people don't think I'm being mean. I'm sure someone will half-read this and conclude that I'm evil. Like I said, I do understand his need to discuss and focus on his special interest. Sometimes I enjoy hearing about it. I don't want to hear about it when I'm trying to enjoy something else, though. Like if we are out for a walk, and there are pelicans diving into the water, or something else interesting, I'd like to be able to focus on that, and not his special interest topic.

What makes me sad is how he hates everything that isn't his special interest. He has become such a limited person. When he was very young, he read voraciously. Now, he hates reading, because he finds all topics boring. When he sees his brother enjoying something, he points out how "stupid" and "boring" it is. Wherever we go, it's like, "Oh my god, this is stupid! Only an idiot would enjoy this!"

I find it hard to accept all this. In fact, I know I shouldn't have to. It's unacceptable. Perhaps AS and/or ADHD can explain it to a point, but it's making life unbearable for those of us who have to live with him.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? If you have AS or ADHD, can you offer any insight?

I have no insight because I could have written your post. I love my kids, but the self centered, world revolving around me, have to have my way or I'll have a meltdown - is so hard to tolerate. I get sick of it too. I actually wrote a post a few months ago titled So Tired, basically saying the same thing.

So, I wish I had words of wisdom, I don't. I do relate though.

we utilize one very simple method for preventing such things: electronics. an ipod, ds, psp, heck even a cell phone with videos or little games on it. we never go anywhere without a form of electronic entertainment.

my 4 yr old is one of those that cant entertain himself. when he doesnt have something to do that interests him, he starts to wiggle, bounce, jump, spin, cry, chatter, etc. its like that saying, if momma aint happy aint nobody happy, except in our house its if K aint happy aint nobody happy! he rarely plays with toys, his overwhelming interest is video games. when we leave the house, the xbox and wii have to stay home, and thus he has nothing to keep his mind occupied.

so, to save our own sanity, we invested in portable game devices (2 ipod, 2 DS, 1 psp). we always have something with us, and they have been lifesavers. they have gone to the mall, grocery shopping, on a 5 day cross country car trip, to the hospital during a surgical stay, and even on a 4 day camping trip. we keep extra chargers in the car for emergencies.

may not work for everyone, but its what works for us. doesnt help with the being unable to go out without kids, unfortunately. we did start to leave our oldest home sometimes when he was 12, so that is one option if your child is mature enough to handle that. ours doesnt tend to make trips completely miserable, but he isnt a joy when we are out either, so leaving him home was the best option.

Is that really an AS issue? I never get bored. I can stare at walls and not be bored. It sounds like lack of patience to me. I can think about my interests and be content. He seems to not have the patience for that.

I know exactly how this feels... from his point of view. It's an eye-opener to realize that in these situations, I'm not the only miserable one. Why isn't he ready to be left home alone?

it may be partly a sensory issue as well, by the description of the activity in the auto parts store. certainly a lot of the described attitude isnt necessary, but some of the physical aspects might be.

i know my youngest literally CANNOT sit still if his mind is not engaged with an external activity. introspection isnt enough, if his mind is not focused, his body MUST move. i cant say MUST in bold enough letters to explain it. he can sit for hours playing on his ds, or usually laying down on his side to play, but take away that focus, and he becomes a little whirling dervish.

Even I can't relate to this as an aspie, because even though I h have a primary special interest that's strong, I'm interested in a whole bunch of other things, as well. Is there such a thing as an obsession pill?

He may use the word bored but he may actually be "off balance" or sort of lost without his games (special interest). Its hard when you are an Aspie to verbalize your true feelings and you sometimes use words that do not accurately express how you are really feeling.
Also I can relate to you because my 8 year old Aspie son is like this and it does get old not being able to go out without him either whining the entire time or causing a scene. I do understand his need for home and his things but I also know that sometimes we have to go shopping!
I dont like many people either aside from the ones I know and can trust. This is an aspie thing...most people are scary unless we have "figured them out".
You certainly should try to find time for yourself to be able to get away and recharge your batteries. Also try to remember that he will not be a kid forever and this too shall pass .

Im completly new to all this on a personal level, just as an idea. He needs his focus with him for you to get a break and be able to do normal things.

Try to think of something he could do during the waiting time. I.e mini computer, laptop in the back of the car?

In my working experience of dealing with severley Autistic children, we never asked them just to sit or to wait, we had to offer them something in their range to do or occupy them. Its like Asking us to stare at a the same thing for a week!

It does sound like there is an element of deliberate difficult behaviour, he knows what to do to get him to what he needs. So let him have what he needs as a reward for allowing you to do what you need.

You need support and when you decide your tactics you need to be consistent. Get help! You can not go through your life being controlled by his Autism, or you can but you have to feel that you have some control. Remember, learn to recognise tiny little bits of progress. Hold on to them like they are your life as this will help you to see that the future can be bright.

Hope this is logical to you as I am new to all this and seem to have completly missed the fact that my daughter is aspergers throughout her life up till now XXX

I was just thinking something like this, myself - only I was going to say he may feel like he's "drowning" unless he has a "life raft" or special interest. I don't like having my son plugged in all the time - we ration screen time - EXCEPT when we are in situations like you describe that are difficult for him; then he's got free access to iphone games.

I think all kids need to learn to manage boredom - not just Aspie kids...but your son may be using the word "boredom" when he really means "sensory overload." Keep in mind that any retail experience is designed to overwhelm your senses, it's how they get you to buy stuff you don't want. All the other places you describe seem to me to offer an awful lot of sensory input; at the very least they aren't familiar places. Many of them are places my son struggles with. I think that without a distraction, the overload is excruciating for AS kids.

That being said, yours is one of the politest and least whiny rants I've heard in a while. Don't worry, it's OK to be frustrated - it's frustrating to have a kid who needs so much more from you than you imagined, and who can't say what he needs or why on top of it! Parenting these kids is really, really hard - and I speak as someone who is realizing I used to BE one of these kids.

This is what I thought when I read the OP too. If he is anything like my sons, he probably finds running errands exhausting and shopping may send him into sensory overload within a matter of minutes. "I'm bored" may have become a catch all phrase for expressing any sort of discomfort when he isn't being stimulated and reassured by the touchstone of his special interest.

That being said, the whole family should not be held hostage to one person's needs, whether that person is ASD or not. At 13 yo, and he sounds reasonably high functioning, he should be able to at least grasp this in theory. Sounds like you need to sit down for a family meeting about how to make sure everyone's needs are being met as much as possible. We have had a lot of talks with our sons about compromise, and each of our various needs. We really have to express our needs in clear and concrete terms (saying "Mom needs more time to herself" is essentially meaningless, but saying "Mom needs to go to her drama class, every week at this specific time until this specific time" will be concrete).

Also sounds like the expectations for his behaviour when you are in public need to be clarified, because it isn't his fault that he gets bored or uncomfortable, but it is how he chooses to behave when he has these feelings that you take issue with. So if your expectation is that he quietly follows you through the store without handling the items on the shelves, whether he is bored or not then you need to make this crystal clear and perhaps even set up a reward/consequence system, do social stories etc. to reinforce it. That being said, shopping and errand running are excruciating! I have yet to hear of one autistic person that does not find these types of activities sheer torture! So I would make the times when the whole family is being dragged along on these kind of outings short & sweet, and do whatever you can to make it easier on him (handheld video games, a break for a treat etc.).

As far as how narrow his interests are, there have been times with my sons when I feel like we are on the brink of their worlds closing up a little too much. When they were about 6 they informed me that if I was a SAHM, then they were Stay at Home Boys, which meant they had decided they never wanted to leave the house again! And this attitude has lasted for many, many years now, but we still take them to the zoo, museum, science center, movie theatre etc. We make the outings brief (never more than 2-3 hours). We go at the quietest possible time. We don't plan more than one of these types of outings every couple of weeks, because it takes a lot out of them. They always drag their feet and fight about going, but they also are always happy that we went afterwards. Usually they end up having a wonderful time. We try to find a way to tie it into their special interests (for example a trip to the planetarium to support a budding interest in Dr Who) and we give them as much choice as possible (except the choice to stay home instead). We push them on this because I know from my own experience how easy it is for anxiety about going out into the world to snowball until it seems insurmountable, they need the practice and the stimulation whether they realize this or not.
You said your son is into gaming, but will also draw pictures related to his game and wants to talk about his game. That's great! That's actually not that narrow and that gives you some "ins" for expanding his world a little.

I guess I am really lucky because all of my own "special interests" are the type that can be easily pursued at home while my sons and husband go to their own corners and pursue theirs. Other than trips to the art supply store and the library which I can usually do on my own, I can pursue my interests at home. Not sure how you could do this with theatre? Are there any online workshops? But I would think theatre is a very social thing involving getting out into the community with other people. Do you have a SO or a friend that can watch the kids once or twice a week while you go out?

I can also totally relate to this post. I really completely undersatand how you feel, because I feel it too, and it's very hard sometimes and you have to rant and rave to stay sane, but everyone knows you still love them. My dd, 12 only seems to be happy when she's on runescape, the virtual computer game that, to use her words, "make her life worth living" Everything else is BORING, she often says she hates everyone, and then I will say yes but what about J? (The son of a friend of mine) ," he's your friend isn't he?"
"Yes but it doesn't mean I like him"
In particular the use of the word bored, or boring, to describe everything, I long ago realised my dd uses it as a general word to describe all feelings, what ever it is she is feeling, whether anger, depression or whatever, or as has been said, just a feeling of imbalance.
So I dont have any answers either, only that I can relate.
I started leaving my dd alone for short and then longer times from fairly young, not criminally young, but she loved it, she positively URGED me to go out, because she loves to be alone. I also let her watch far more tv and do computer stuff than I ever thought I would, just because it makes her happy and she seems to really need it. Myself I'm anti tv for kids, I grew up in a house where there was no tv, went to a steiner school etc, but realised that idea had to go out the window pretty fast if there was to be any happiness in our house.

Last month I thought we'd do something fun, go down to the city, stay in a hostel and see a few places , eat out, go to a film or whatever, myself and dd, well of course I should have known better, fairly early on she started resisting everything and I ended up leaving her in the city library where she was utterly happy reading . When I fetched her she'd read 3 horrible histories, and was keen to stay longer. The whole trip was an expensive learning curve, because she ended up doing pretty much what she does at home. Which is to say she read 90 percent of the time, cause there wasn't a computer.

I just think it takes a really long time and is very very hard for nt parents to understand that their children really DONT enjoy the things nt kids enjoy, things that would seem obvious and fun to nt people, AS kids really seem to hate them. This for me has been the biggest struggle to accept and to understand . A boiling hot day on a recent holiday, we're at the beach and dd just wants to go home, not swim, go home to be hot and bored. The idea of a swim was, you guessed it, BORING. (which in this instance I took to mean, overwheming, because too many people at the beach.

I'm sure it will improve , elderwanda, because 13 is a difficult age anyway, I dont know when, but it HAS to. Doesn't it?

I may be naive here, but I'm wondering how much of this is due to his diagnosis, and how much is due to him knowing he can get away with his difficult behavior. Also, the video game thing is (was) an issue with my son. I don't buy into it.

I firmly believe that we teach our kids how to treat us, and even though I've pointed out in the newbie forum that my son has some issues with this too (primarily in thinking he knows everything, better than everyone else) he is generally respectful and does what I ask him to. (If his attention span lasts that long.)

My son lived with his father for 1.5 years, and moved back in with me this summer. He explained to me that he had a horrible tendency to destroy things when he was bored, and for this reason I needed to let him play the same violent video games that his father let him play when he was living with him. My son also used his diagnoses as a means to explain why his unreasonable demands were okay. His life was literally being pacified with multi-media, around-the-clock. His diet and sleeping habits were completely messed up.

I might be getting off the topic here, but let's fast forward just 6 months later... with super firm boundaries, a non-wavering parenting style, and zero tolerance for defiant behavior, my son behaves about 300% better now than he did when he got here. When he gets bored now, he gets assigned a chore to do or he reads a book.

On a side note, some of his issues with chewing and destroying things I was told were due to him being bored. What I found was that he's actually doing them when he's over-stimulated, not under-stimulated.

In my humble opinion, your son needs a reality check, with some guidelines put in place. Then all the adults need to enforce them, all the time.

Just to put a different perspective to this, when I read I was impressed with how much your daughter did do! Staying in a hostel in and of itself sounds like an accomplishment (my understanding is that a hostel is a semi-private arrangement, where you are sharing parts of your accommodation with strangers?). That must have been way out of her comfort zone! And then the fact that she could amuse herself for hours comfortably and happily in a strange new library (presumably freeing you to go and enjoy some of the things you had planned?) is fantastic! I realize it must have been very disappointing that the trip turned out far different than you had planned, but that doesn't mean it was a total loss. She got to experience something new that she enjoyed (the new library).

And I can't really speak to this from personal parenting experience because my sons are only 11yo, but does this really change with age? Or does it just get easier for the parent because the child can finally be left on their own? I have always been happiest at home quietly pursuing my interests (art, reading, gaming), and I have always had a low tolerance for the stress of being out in the world (much, much lower than what the average person's seems to be) and that has not changed as an adult.

Sarah2237, I think the thing that we need to remember is that as parents to individuals, we need to meet their individual needs and what your child needs may not be the same as what my child needs.

I started out in your "camp", very strict, consistant with consequences and rewards - this worked like a charm with my NT 15 year old. However, with my AS son, the more out of control he got the more strict (or zero tolerance) I got, the more strict I got, the more out of control he got. It was a horrid, horrid spiral!

When we took a step back and looked at "bad" behavior as communication, we were able to figure out how much/little he could handle. It drives me crazy because I want him to "deal with it" sometimes, but he just can't.

I struggle because I believe that there is some learned helplessness going on and that frustrates me to no end. I think that there's a fine line that we tread and I haven't figured out exactly where it is. I do know that there are some times where he is on the brink of a meltdown (and I think that he is choosing to ratchet up to that point) and I will say, this is unacceptable whether you meltdown or not - so, do what you need to do.

Anyway, I just wanted to point out that what works for one may not work for another - the journey of figuring it out can be a pain in the butt!

I agree Kail, and I think I have laid down firm boundaries with my 14 year old who is just about to go through assessment. It has been a complete failure and she has not been able to stem the meltdown. Sometimes they seem to present as downright tantrums but mostly they are meltdowns. I took her most loved possession, the lap top and prevented free access to it. Melt down after meltdown, meant that she could never regain it. Also her phone, which to her was the only connection to the outside.

Then possible aspergers highlighted and Im thinking 'ang on a bit' , the computer is her thing! Im taking it away and she is not able to succeed to achieve it back. She is currently trying to be a normal teenager, so how could I do that ??



Dropped the bar and 'Hey presto' Im already getting results !