Why are kids so mean?

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Sometimes social situations are just awkward. Sometimes we are in a no win situation and white lies seem easier than uncomfortable confrontation. For example, we usually always take our kids Trick Or Treating as a family. We run into lots of people we know around the neighborhood, but we don't go around with them, even though my kids are friends with many of them. We like being social without feeling teamed up. With 5 kids, it is just easier for us. Last year, one of my Aspie son's friends family wanted to go to with us. I love this family. They are great, but I also know that their kids aren't as physically active as ours. We felt we couldn't get out of it and went with them. We had a terrible time. After four houses my son's friend (11) and his younger brother (10) were whiney. They wanted a drink. They wanted to go home, etc. We were barely getting up our block. My kids wanted to make sure they made it to the house at the other end of the neighborhood that gives out the huge candy every year, and the house that does the haunted house, but we were barely moving. It was not a fun night. I feel bad to admit that I dodged getting cornered into being asked to go with them again this year. I really do like these people. I would hang out with them at other things, but walking around the neighborhood is not one of them. Maybe I am a bad person too.

League_Girl,

I think it is kind of hard to explain that kind of thing to NTs b/c they expect you to value the social aspect higher than the actual trick-or-treating and so it hurts their feelings even after is is explained b/c they don't -really- understand deep down how the trick-or-treating part could be more important than socializing.

Your son is 12 years old. I was told I has AS when I was much younger than that. I never thought of myself as "disabled" (though some aspies do and it really bugs me). It was just the name for what I was.

As for why kids are so mean, Paul Graham wrote an essay that I think does an excellent job of answering your question (especially for kids in your son's age group). You can read it here: http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html

That is a very interesting essay. Thank you for posting the link. The analogy between prison and the JHS/middle school years was very apt.

It is part of why I really do not understand the importance of putting so much emphasis on peer relationships for children when they really are so very different than what (hopefully) they will experience as adults.

Based on my experience of interacting with and observing NTs who they are with is often more important than what they are doing. If a friend invites you to do something, more often then not, there is an expectation that even if it is not your favorite thing to do, you should tolerate it to be with your friends. In addition, you are expected to skip fun things (especially if they are solitary things) in order to be with a friend, even if what they are doing is not your thing. You are also expected to change how you do things to accommodate friends.

When it is reciprocal, I can kind of understand it, but sometimes the expectations are not reciprocal or they do not take into account aversions or "odd" preferences if they are not easily understood. Wanting to be a more efficient or ambitious trick-or-treater would not trump being with friends to an NT.

Being social is supposed to be more important, and it would also be odd to a parent of NTs that a parent would condone that kind of preference. To an NT mom one is supposed to encourage a child to be social and not to maximize their Halloween candy stash. If you are a parent of an aspie/autie, even if you are not that crazy about your kids acquiring all that candy, you understand that your kids find it to be important and they look forward to it every year.

**My kid is not even that crazy about most varieties of the candy passed out. He eats very little of it, which I am sure his dentist appreciates. Ha ha. He loves going, (now) and he loves the act of acquiring the candy even though he does not eat much of it. Given that he is not at all social, he would never want to be saddled with going with anyone. It is challenging enough for him to talk to the neighbors and field questions about his costume. He used to refuse to trick or treat or even wear a costume, so I am very lucky he does it at all, and that he actually gets excited about doing it.