Son diagnosed aspie, but NT wife didn't want to tell him.

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For me the purpose was clearly stated here:

I get it as: he thinks/thought that his wife wouldn't understand the ASD point of view because she never was in this situation due to being NT all her life. That's why "the NT detail" makes difference. "If she was on the spectrum she would understand and would agree. She is a NT so she doesn't." - there is some logic in this statement, even if it isn't always true.

My wife is not autistic.

I may mention this because I believe her judgment about many things is better than mine.
I second guess my conclusions when they differ with hers. If the reasoning behind my position is strong enough, I may persuade her or agree to disagree.

We did not agree about getting our son assessed, for example. I might mention this in a post because in some ways our perspectives may be mediated by our neurologies in ways that might make a difference. I might also mention it because I am wondering if my typical deference to her perspective may be an error in a particular situation.

So I wouldn't assume too much about what the op meant here.

Why? If everything went really well, what does she see as a problem?

I checked with my husband and he is not offended when I reference his neurological status. I can see why people might think it is a picking sides kind of thing, though. It probably depends on context.

I think deciding what and when to tell your child can be complicated depending on your circumstances. My husband and I decided to hold off on telling him at the initial diagnosis.

We did not hide it. per se, but did not make an announcement. He was present during the conversations with the people involved and I have this site up all the time, and do not attempt to hide it.

Part of it is our families can not be trusted not to act like jerks to my son about it, and the other is a readiness issue. We got to a point where we felt like we knew how to deal with the jerkiness factor if he told people. I tried to talk to him about it, and the readiness is still not there, b/c his social cognitive awareness is so behind that he does not see that he is different from other children even though I had to pull him from public school b/c he is so different. So like the sex talk (which he also was not interested in) we set it aside from now. It has become clear to me that he does not "pass" and we think he will see that himself eventually, but cannot know when.

The OP is in a different circumstance b/c his child is aware and so a diagnosis comes as a relief as opposed to being told he is different. What his wife's objections are, we will not know unless the OP posts them. His wife may have objections that have nothing to do with the child and maybe have to do with her being worried about his ability to weather prejudice or something like that.

I don't know if they talked about it beforehand or the OP just assumed his wife would be on board with discussing it with their son. If they agreed to delay the discussion, I don't think he ought to have told him until he got a consensus. You can always tell, but you cannot untell.

I am glad that his son was relieved to know and that it worked out on that front.

That was my first thought, but I didn't want to assume- there is a lot of assuming going on in this thread. I mentioned that detail because I was hoping he'd come back and clarify it himself.

I've been watching this thread, but haven't been able to get to a machine to respond. Yes, this sums it up, I wan't trying to set up an us and them situation, though I see how it could have sounded that way. Thanks for all your thoughts.

Did your wife explain why she thought you should not have told him?

Yes, I feel I have a connection with him, and I thought it would be helpful for him to own the positives, such as his massive attention span for things he is interested in, and understand why he finds certain things quite hard, like team sports or unstructured play.

I use the NT word because:

a) I think I might have a better understanding of his experience, but...
b) My wife is usually right about things.

I personally think he's quite a little grown up, softly spoken, intense and thoughtful around adults he knows well, but tense and occasionally a bit crazy around other children, and terrified of unknown social situations.

Last edited by superluminary on 07 Jul 2014, 1:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

Not really, she just said that she thought he shouldn't have known till he was quite a bit older.

I often specify that I'm NT when posting on here. I only do it so that I can make it clear that I am not speaking from personal experience if discussing an ASD issue, or when I am trying to represent a common neurotypical perspective.

In the case of the OP, I imagine that he was trying to specify that whereas he speaks from shared personal experience (I'm assuming the poster has ASD - otherwise he would have included himself as NT) when dealing with his son, his wife speaks from an NT perspective, and therefore may have some different insights than him (for example; about how this might affect their son, socially). Both perspectives have potential advantages in this specific situation.

One of the nice things about this forum is it's a place where people can go to get perspectives of people with ASD, as well as NT people who are sympathetic to people with ASD. Identifying which one you are, when it might make a difference in interpretation, is a courtesy to others.

Regarding possible reasons to wait: it may be to avoid social stigma that goes with that label. If your son is in that unique position where his social deficits are severe enough to get him the label ASD, but he is still able to "pass" as NT, it may be better for him socially to keep quiet about his diagnosis, or to avoid telling others about his diagnosis until he knows them well. There are so many nuances involved in the decision to tell others about this sort of thing that your wife may just be concerned that your son isn't socially mature enough to negotiate that well.

This is a nuanced issue, and I think it can be very situation specific - for example, some communities can be very judgmental, in general, and a child can easily be ostracized just for having the label, without having done anything wrong. Other communities are more accepting, and having a neurological "excuse" for the occasional faux-pas may be an advantage.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Asperger-Syndro ... everything

This book, Asperger Syndrome, the Universe and Everything was written by Kenneth Hall when he wasn't much older than your son is now. He was diagnosed when he was 8. My son loved this book, particularly because it was written by another child. In some ways Kenneth is very like him, in others ways, very different. My son read and reread this book for a while, and we talked a lot about it, and his thoughts on it, and about himself.

Maybe this book, or others, would be helpful for you, your wife and your son.

My son was diagnosed when he was 7, and I told him about the diagnosis a few months later when it happened to come up naturally in conversation. His response was one of relief. He knew he was different, and the diagnosis opened up to him a new perspective on himself.

Thanks for explaining why you described your wife as NT. I was concerned that your reasons were negative, but I can see your reasoning.

Interesting that she gave no reasons. Maybe she did not know herself why she feels that way, or maybe she was afraid her reasons would offend you since you are AS.

It's been my experience that, a lot of the time, adults "don't tell" kids stuff because they're not ready to deal with it. Haven't processed it, don't know how to cope, have mixed feelings, are in denial, whatever. I guess it is that they don't think the kid should have the information ("If I'm struggling with this, how is s/he going to handle it??), but it's also that they do not feel equipped to deal with the child's knowledge or requests for further information.

I can see all kinds of reasons to not want him to know (like all the crap flying around the mainstream media these days).

But it's my opinion that it's better, especially with mildly affected kids, to just have it out and have done with it. Because, by the time I was 7, I already knew that something was "off." And hearing over and over "There's NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!" on one hand and "What are you, ret*d?? FREAK!!" on the other hand was just doggone confusing.

I am glad I didn't get the "I'm-broken" mentality, but, if it could have been value-neutral (the way it sounds like you presented it) I would have liked to have had the information sooner. Like, much sooner.

I think you did the right thing...

...but I will counsel that marriages tend to stay sweeter if spouses (husbands and wives both) don't feel as if you've gone over their heads. Especially with the kids.

First, I will say that I think you did the right thing.

On this forum, the prevailing opinion is to share that information by your son's age. But even noting that, I have to say that most parents give a lot of thought to whether or not to tell, and how to tell it. The topic is a common discussion on this board. Some people definitely think you hand a child an "excuse" by letting him know, and I guess my reaction to that is that you have to know your unique child to understand if that is a possibility. Other people worry it will make their child feel even more different; again, it is a "know your child" consideration.

But.

Second, from a relationship perspective, I will say that decisions like this are considered pretty important parenting decisions and, thus, you are actually expected by most partners to have a conversation about them before simply taking action. I know you probably had a good opening, but in the future try to honor the fact that your wife is probably running things through her head trying to decide what the best course is, and give some respect to that by asking her opinion before acting. Reading your post, I did wonder how much of her objection stems from truly disagreeing with telling your son, v. feeling left out of a decision she expected you to make together. Just something to think about.

And this is where we know we are on an ASD forum, and I hope people don't mind me saying that. I was surprised that no one had brought that up already, about unilaterally taking action on what should be a shared parenting decision. Sometimes it isn't just about what is the right or wrong thing to do as parent, but also about the right or wrong thing to do as a spouse. I can be as guilty as anyone when it comes to simply going to the analytical question and the "right" v. "wrong" answer, but I think we do have to remember that the relationship dynamic is important here.

Anyway, end result I am glad you made the right decision for your child, but do try to let your wife know that you will try to remember to discuss these things first with her in the future. I think she will appreciate it if you simply recognize that she would have wanted it to be a shared decision.

JMHO, of course.

I myself would have been absolutely furious. And I have been absolutely furious before about things my husband has done unilaterally. For example, I'm having to change my son's school for financial reasons. We got the new school place just before I was to be away for three days. My husband (suspected Aspie) told my son just before I left without discussing it with me. Just announced it! Now, I am of the opinion that we should have told him sooner rather than later, but I did not want to drop this 'bomb' on my 7 yr old and then be away all weekend and unable to answer his questions or provide him with emotional support (something I do not always trust my Aspie husband to do well).

There is NO WAY you should have had this discussion with your kid before talking to your wife about it. She will have wanted to be there to see his reaction, to answer questions and provide reassurance. Maybe she would have wanted to wait until later, but you probably would have been able to convince her otherwise. Without knowing your child, I would tend to agree with your idea about timing rather than putting it off - but that was not your decision to make alone.

Absolutely this!