Preparing for parenthood

Post Reply New Topic

To the first part - I only know of one woman who tried it, and she wasn't successful - but it was 14 years ago and breastfeeding was just beginning to be tolerated in public, much less studied. Reading up, I saw something that says it's very possible, but typically induced doesn't produce as much milk.

Bottles are not a bad thing. Frankly, I think the part that's most significant in breastfeeding is the bonding stuff - you can (and should) do that with a bottle, too. If I had a do-over, I'd have had bottles and made my husband do the night feedings.

The second part - my SIL originally was going to have a home office with her kids and have a nanny she found it totally impossible to work. Traditional daycare wound up working better for her; that might be an option to consider. I know both bottles and daycare aren't PC options right now, but again - you need to figure out what works best for your own family. (And if you can, you're allowed to have daycare AND a housekeeper - tell that little voice from your disapproving aunt that's in your head to SHUT UP.)

It also sounds like your wife might need an office away from home. Life is going to have chaos with a kid in it, there are going to be unwashed dishes and dirty clothes.

I guess my big lesson as a parent is that DS gets accommodations, and DH and I suck it up as much as we humanly can when things are triggering for us - if we can cover for each other, we do. I wish I could say that was a system that works - but we do wind up having periodic meltdowns in the form of screaming fights. We get through it, imperfectly and uncomfortably and as best we can; it can be awful, and at its best it's really hard.

Would I do it over again? In a heartbeat. There aren't words to explain, but being a Mom and a wife is awesome.

Umm - word of warning on Ina May. I did find it calming and reassuring but not without a down-to-earth description of physical processes.

Thanks for your honesty momsparky, it's nice to know you guys are able to keep working together as a team even when things don't work. I personally have always hated daycare, especially for infants, but it might be worth looking into if we can find one that's decent. I really worry about an emphasis on conformity at a pre-school age, having to go along with group activities or to play with certain things in certain ways, especially if our baby ends up AS. Bottles I definitely don't have a problem with, particularly for night feedings, though I know it's best to have milk that hasn't been stored at all when possible.

I appreciate the heads up elkclan, though I don't think that will be a problem I have the kind of mom who has given me a full photo album of her giving birth in a livestock tub in the woods behind their house in central Texas, with both my parents naked and most of their family and friends gathered around in the yard. I can always read ahead and give my girlfriend the censored version if needed

Sounds like Ina May will be just up your street then!

Unfortunately I do not know any place that doesn't have any horror stories.

Unfortunately as a parent, there will be messes and interruptions and noise and she is going to have to learn to deal with it. There will be more cleaning like whenever her kid makes a mess and leaves food all over, clean it. When her kid leaves toys all over, clean it. There will just be more cleaning to do. She may end up finishing her kids food and you simply don't give them much to eat so it's not a waste. I would make my son a half a peanut butter and jelly because he wouldn't eat the whole thing. I would take the bread and cut it in half and put peanut butter on one side and jelly on the other. Toddlers don't eat much unless they grow.

It sounds like you two have a plan worked out of living separately. There is daycare if you can afford it. Lot of parents put their kids in daycare even if they do stay at home. She could have her own office where she locks herself in there and no one is allowed in there to bother her unless there is an emergency.

It's hard being a parent with anxiety or ASD or sensory issues. It's hard for everyone. We probably get our moments more often than NT parents do. I have no idea how single ASD parents do it. I have my husband around who helps out. I don't think I would be able to do this alone.

Nah, she's just pointing out that not all of the Aspies act like that. Your hubby (which at this point is a glorification, since he's more like "the giant child that lives in your house) seems for sure like more than a little bit of a dick. A jackass even among Aspies. Sorry to be so blunt, but-- ASD is a reason to struggle with some things, and a reason to do things differently. It's not a reason to completely refuse to grow the hell up, put the dice down until Saturday night (and every other Saturday at that-- my ADHD hubby continues to have dice where his brains belong well into his 30s, but has managed to grasp the concept that it has to be an every-other-weekend thing, not an every-other-day thing now), cope with the hard s**t (like difficult pregnancies and ugly births), and accept some responsibility for things like child rearing.

Gawd, I'm not perfect-- my house is closer to "TLC's Hoarders: Buried Alive" than "HGTV's Amazing Homes" and my kids look more like "Supernanny" than "19 Kids and Counting"-- but if I acted like he does, we'd crash and burn instead of staggering along.

She's going to have to just get over the chaos and unexpected touching thing.

Yes, sometimes I still cringe inside when a kid grabs onto my leg while I'm trying to cook dinner. But I've learned to give them a hug and then tell them that they have to get out of the kitchen because they're going to get burned if they do that while I'm picking up a hot pan...

...and NOT completely lose it. I've learned that I'm going to get bullcharged by overly enthusiastic six-year-olds, and have a toddler crawl into my lap and jam a hand into my armpit when I really, really, really, really want to be left alone. Bite the bullet, breathe slowly and deeply, and sing another chorus of "You're Gonna Miss This" (even though I'm pretty damn sure I won't miss THAT), and hold the child. Because, yep, I'm Mama. That's me.

Screaming kids?? Step out onto the porch, leaving the door open so I can see and hear, smoke a cigarette, and COPE. They're only kids, and kids scream. "Time makes you bolder and children get older..."

It's amazing what neuroplasticity can do for some of those AS issues...

...if you force yourself to soldier through until it happens. I used to be incredibly tactile-defensive. Not so much any more. There are still times when I have to say, "Sit beside me, not on top of me." There are still times when I want to load them into the van and JUST DRIVE, because if the van is moving then they're belted into their seats and NOT TOUCHING ME. I had to do that a lot with the first one (PPD really didn't help matters any). With the next two we were so broke and there was so much work to do that it wasn't an option...

...and by the time the fourth one rolled around, I had just sort of learned to DEAL. Learned that, if I let them crawl all over me for 30 minutes, they'll be all tanked up and go do something else.

Now that three out of the four are in some kind of school and want to have friends, you'd crack up laughing to see me forcing myself to talk to the parents of other children. I HATE IT. But it has to be done, and I'm the one that's here, so do it I must. They've probably lost out on a few social opportunities because the parents were too judgmental to accept their kid playing with the noisy, ill-dressed children of a sweat-pants-and-ratty-sweater-clad woman who stutters and fidgets and isn't very good at small-talk...

...but the way I figure it, those are the kind of people I don't particularly want them rubbing elbows with anyway. If they want to hang with the social elite, they'll have to get there on their own. I will, however, put myself out there to make sure they have friends, even if we have most of our success among rednecks, moms of special-needs kids, other crazy folks, and single parents.

If you let her get out of stuff on the grounds of Aperger's, you will end up a single parent (probably eventually in law as well as in fact). I feel like an ass saying that when one of my fondest fantasies remains to have "Mommy's Library"-- a room with ONE comfortable chair, ONE good reading light, ONE small table, and 400,000 books that is for me and ME ALONE-- but it's the truth. That's not to say you shouldn't step up when she's clearly overwhelmed-- I was very fortunate in having my dad and stepmom around to do that, because Hubby didn't really and truly parent up until the third one came along, and screamed for six months straight, and he decided that he'd like to have hot meals and a clean house and a wife that actually WANTED TO once in a while. Stepping up when sparks are shooting out of her ears, her hair is standing on end, and her eyes are spinning on separate circuits is called BEING A PARTNER and it's something you have to do even if you marry the most maternal NT woman on the face of the earth. But don't let her take a pass on the dirty bits of parenting. You and the kid will suffer if she does...

...and so will she. My grandfather regretted the time he didn't spend with his daughters (lucky for him, my mom kind of bailed and he got to spend that time with me instead). My aunt regrets the time she didn't spend with her kids, and as one of them is an ultra-liberal Manhattan socialite and the other one is a gay male Aspie's Aspie (to the extent that he can't tolerate the idea of cohabitating with his boyfriend of several years now), I don't think she's going to be getting any second chances. She gets this half-scornful, half-hungry tone in her voice when I talk about my kids... it's really sad.

Oh, speaking of my grandfather-- if kids are something she really, really wants and yet they still set her nerves raw, you might consider putting the baby on the bottle and getting her a really low dose of Xanax (or some weed). WORKED WONDERS for Grandpa (and I honestly suspect pot was a large part of what made my dad so great with kids). If I could take it and not turn into a complete and total flake, I would-- and when the baby is two or three years older (she's two and a half right now-- still young enough to die if I should happen to fall asleep on the couch), I just might. Anyway, the upshot of this is that, for all we all know that "breast is best" and all the rest of that maxim s**t, formula won't kill the kid either. If it would, my oldest wouldn't be here, because nary a drop of breast milk passed her lips (and she was healthier than my exclusively-breast-fed-up-to-six-months son and remains the healthiest and thinnest of my bunch).

In regards to what he did that helped me with pregnancy-- he LISTENED. He listened while I cried about what-ifs, and he listened while I bitched about throwing up and being tired, and he listened while I begged to get in the car and drive 25 miles to the Sonic that made the GOOD lemon-lime cream slushies. He listened A LOT while I went through every possible birth defect, and while I agonized with guilt for the fact that I wouldn't be able to bear to abort a hopelessly-fucked-up baby, and while I agonized with guilt over refusing to abort the fourth (totally, utterly, we-even-used-Plan-B-and-still-got-pregnant-degree-of unplanned) baby. He didn't have answers or solutions other than, "We'll figure it out, we'll be OK." It was the one (OK, the four) and only times in sixteen years together that he just SHUT UP AND LISTENED, but THANK GOD he did it.

Since you are both female, this may be less of an issue for you. Though I do not envy you the mom-baggage or the judgment. At least you're in NM, where there are a lot of hippies.

I have to agree with BuyerBeware above. If you have kids you just have to get over the mess issues, the touch issues, etc. For one, a kid is a kid and they really don't give a crap if the adult hates mess or being touched - insisting on turning a child into a controlled mini-adult will only drive her and you totally crazy. Also, kids NEED to make messes (really, they do, it's sensory exploration and learning) and they NEED to be touched and touch others if they want a healthy emotional and mental state. If they grow up feeling they can not touch their mother/s then that could have a big effect on emotional development and bonding. And for the baby stage, they have to be held and be cuddled - it literally creates brain pathways and connects synapse. While a seperate living space and a nanny and all that will help her have some escape, it will not change the fact that there are just some (okay, a lot) of sacrifices to be made to be a mom. Sometimes having my kids all over me and in my space/face/body makes my skin crawl - but I don't let them know that. If I can, I move away for a breather, but other times I just have to take a deep breath, remind myself how fleeting childhood is, and just let them be all over me. It's not always easy, but it is always worth it at the end of the day.

Hi, my dh and I both have autistic tendancies, and we managed to happily raise a large brood together. He definitely needs even more time alone and more quiet than I do, but we manage to take turns and usually get what we need. There are lots of quiet times that some NTs don't have much patience for, sitting and nursing* or rocking or pushing a carriage with a sleeping baby. Using a sling or carrier really reduces the crying and makes it easier to cope; not many babies continue to cry when being carried around. Does your partner like music? Large doses of it help reduce crying, too. You can help lots by taking over when she is having a hard time and letting her go somewhere quiet (for me it was a walk in the summer or the library in the winter... no $ for offices but libraries are great). We also didn't go the daycare route, and instead had lots of support from our AP friends.
*It is totally possible to induce lactation. It would be great if both of you did. Sometimes (and probably if you both do) moms don't develop a full supply, but the physical and psychological advantages and ease for parenting make every drop worth it. Contact an IBCLC or La Leche League Leader.

Another thing that I hesitate to bring up, b/c it is very unfair, is society's gender issues and how they will creep in, whether you believe in them or not. I am not at all a rigid thinker on this, so I do not want you to think this comes from a place of judgement. Quite the opposite. However society will judge, and your child even if not NT, may internalize some of it, and you may need to be somewhat proactive.

I live in very non-progressive, traditional-values type place, and so that may be skewing what I am saying, somewhat. Adapt as necessary for where you live. To give you an idea, we once went to a local restaurant and my husband happened to be the one holding my son's hand when we went in, and they didn't think we were in the same party, and were visibly confused that we were a party of three, not two. *I was also standing slightly behind them b/c the entrance was narrow. So that may also have been a factor.*

In addition, my son happened to sit next to my husband b/c they put the kids menu on the side my husband ended up sitting on. We didn't think anything of it, right. Why would we? At the end of our meal, the waitress asked us if we wanted separate checks, and seemed to be confused when we didn't, presumably b/c we must not be a nuclear family if the child is sitting with his dad. That is a stupid example of narrow in-the-box thinking, but imagine that kind of thing as a constant, if where you live is not progressive, and people make comments or give side-eye when they observe you being the primary caretaker.

I am not saying this to dissuade you, but to make you aware that some people can be awful about things that do not meet their expectations, especially about gender roles. You will want to have an action plan for dealing with if your kids' friends make comments about your living arrangements, how to deal with stupid strangers making comments, et al. If you live in a place very different from where I live, this may not apply, though.

Thank you all for responding. Learning to deal with parenting is I guess where we're hoping to get ahead now?to reduce the shock of it as much as possible later on, and help us be kind and supportive to each other when things are hard. Babysitting definitely seems like a good option so we know what we'll be facing. We still haven't had luck finding an ASD knowledgeable (and positive) therapist either for her or as a couple, which I think would be beneficial, partly because of where we've been living (there are no experts on adult autism we've been able to find near Albuquerque) and partly because of us moving to Europe (me in December, she's been there already since September). Plus money's an issue right now. If anyone has recommendations for therapists who will work over skype I would greatly appreciate it.

My mother is AS, and didn't know until recently, and I grew up with a lot of rejection and mixed signals?my mom tried very hard to be nice, generous, supportive, and interested in me and my brothers, but didn't want to/couldn't spend time with us or take care of us, and when she snaps under pressure she's extremely nasty. I really hope to avoid my child ever feeling the way I felt about my mother. Not that we won't make mistakes as parents of course, but making the same ones just seems stupid

BuyerBeware, weed could very well be a good option, it helped her a lot with stress in college. Do you happen to know if it lasts a long time in breast milk, or if you can pump-and-dump like with alcohol?

ASDMommyASDKid, maybe it wasn't clear from the thread, but I'm a woman too! We're lesbians! So I doubt anyone in public would think much of me being the primary caregiver, though I understand why it's a concern for some couples. My girlfriend and I have similar coloring (redheads), so honestly it would be more likely if I took over a lot of baby stuff people would just assume it's my bio kid. We'll definitely face some side-eye and judgement as parents, but for the same reasons we already face side-eye and judgement as a couple

I am so sorry. Just more evidence that I need more sleep. I am sorry I missed that, and should not have assumed you were male, in the first place. My apologies.

no worries, it's a fair assumption

For most of the thread I thought you were male, too, mainly because you mentioned that you'd be the "dad". I guess I didn't clue in to the quotes around the word dad, lol. I was really puzzled why a guy would be so concerned about all this so far in advance, and wondered if you had more than a touch of AS, too. Then when you mentioned you were a lesbian couple, suddenly it all made perfect sense -- it would be quite ordinary for a woman to worry about all these things that would be very unusual for a guy to even consider.

wow, when you put it like that it's kind of depressing most men wouldn't be concerned about this stuff

guess this brings to light a lot of the stuff about lactation though