Please help my son is stalking a girl during school...

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My 13 1/2 year old aspie/ADHD son started getting a bunch of texts suddenly. He is mostly a loner so I was very curious who's texting him. At first he said his friend Daniel. The texts were rolling in. I asked what was going on, he usually never texts with other kids. He said they are talking about stuff that happens at school. Then when more texts kept rolling in I asked again what's going on ge was excitedly and anxiously saying nothing were just talking. I said that's it let me see the phone. He was deleting everything as fast as he could. It looked like a girl and a different phone number which seemed like a guy were talking to him. The girl was telling him to leave her friend alone, that she is going to contact his parents, that he is stalking her friend at school, and she is scared and she is so upset she Crys about it. He tried saying goodnight to her and she said yes little boy you should go to bed. She said lame. Then the other number started texting and I think it was a guy. He said leave her alone please I'm begging you,if you care for her leave her alone. And stop saying creepy stuff to her. And at that point I took the phone and texted what am I saying to her, and the guy responded back to stop stalking her at school and she will go to the girls room to get away, and he waits outside the girls room for her. My son admitted to what he called eyeing her when he sees her in the hallway. My son refuses to reveal information about what's going on. The guy texting also said no more sending emails either. My son will only admit to one email, that he just said hi, with his phone number, and call me. Clearly she seems upset enough that he said more than that but he won't admit it and deleted the emails and his sent mail. I asked how many kids have your phone number at school? He smirks and says a bunch of them. I said how'd they get your number, he goes I don't know. He also told me like two days ago he is talking to the girl that he is supposedly stalking, and he told me he's making an effort to be more social and that he's had a crush on her for a few years now, and he showed me her year book pic. So that seemed okay, but now obviously all these texts and his behavior are not okay. I don't know where to start with this or what go do. He doesn't realize his attempts to socialize with the girl are seriously creeping her out. He came home with her phone number supposedly yesterday, but it turned out to be the wrong number. I'm planning on contacting the special Ed teacher on Monday and going over all this with him, because while my son obviously doesn't understand, in his mind his attempts to talk to this girl are normal, he's in fact creeping her out, I'm scared someone is going to kick my sons butt. He's acting creepy and doesn't get it. I am hoping that talking to the special Ed teacher at school will help me figure out a source to teach my son social skills about being around girls. He has been just quiet socially so far, I did not realize he struggles so much around them and needs a lot more guidance. I don't know what else to do please help : (

I am wondering, if he didn't know that his behavior involving the girl was a problem and possibly wrong, then why was he trying to prevent you from seeing the texts, trying to hide the full story, evading and deceiving?

You have a good point. I do think also that anything involving your mom with talking to girls or guy friends at this age wether appropriate or not, is highly embarrassing. He may know it's a little wrong, but he obviously doesn't know how severely wrong it is. I can assure you, I'm about to become highly involved, dispite my sons embarrassment I don't care.

For your son's sake, I think it is a good idea to get involved, figure out what the whole truth is, make sure he stays away from this girl and doesn't get into greater trouble, even if it causes pain and embarassment for him.

If his father or another trusted male---older brother, family friend---or someone like that -- could talk to him about appropriate ways to woo a girl vs. inappropriate ways that might be a good idea. Talking to mom, might just not be the way.

I would not necessarily want to embarrass him too much, so maybe do not give the person (if not the dad) all the particulars but just say that you would appreciate it if he could give advice on how to (and not to) appeal to the ladies, with an emphasis on the "not." If it were approached in a casual way ---without it coming off as accusatory or that you are spreading his business pver and yon. Normally I would not advise sharing personal things with others---but this is important enough that i think it is important that he talk to someone he trusts that he feels comfortable to confide in ---STAT.

Depending on what he is doing, even if it is not too bad, schools take a serious view these days. Warning the SPED teacher is good, but I would want someone outside the school to talk to him, too, if it were my son.

I agree with btbnnyr. Get involved like never before. Are there any male role models in his life? You don't mention his father. He seems to not have any respect for what you say. Also, I agree. He may understand enough to hide this but he doesn't seem to understand it all. Or maybe he does and he's flirting with the danger of it, seeing how far he can go before getting authorities involved. Take away his phone (we all survived without them at that age before they existed) and revoke his email privileges by changing his password so he can't get into it. You may end up having to take him out of school and put him in another one just to make a point. This kind of sounds like it has morphed into a risk-taking venture rather than a straight-up people obsession.

I have a son the same age, who also struggles socially, except within the confines of his group of "weird" friends. The first thing I would make him understand is that no means no. It doesn't matter if he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong or not. If she is upset enough that she has her friends appealing to him to make him stop, then he needs to stop. Now. No more texting her. No more emailing her. No more waiting for her in the hallway. No more trying to talk to her.

Here is the problem that I have...twice now, classmates of my son's have told him that this or that girl likes him. He is naive, gullible, and too trusting, so he believes them, even though we have rationally discussed how the likelihood of a popular girl that he doesn't know actually "liking" him is small. I mean, on one level, he gets it, but on another level because he is a nice kid, I think he hopes it is true. Then he ends up finding out that it is all a joke, and he is the butt of it. The reason I am telling you this is because it is possible your son did not start this. Someone else might have given him the false impression that she was interested. That might make it harder for him to understand that sometimes kids are mean and they say and do things that are misleading and cruel.

His embarrassment has to be one of the last considerations right now. I know that may sound cruel, but there are potential legal consequences to this. And even aside from that, "stalker" is not a label that is going to benefit your son going forward.

Is he very rule oriented? If so, I would consider asking the principal to pull him aside and tell him that his behavior is violating school policy and that if it continues he will get detention. That would make my son stop if he were doing something like that. Possibly faster than if I were the one trying to change the behavior.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. This kind of stuff is very scary as a parent of a teenage boy with poor social boundaries and difficulty reading social situations. I feel for you.

Hey, I reread my post. I think I might have sounded like I think your son is a trouble-maker or something. I don't think that way about him at all. Another thing jumping off what InThisTogether said, he may see it as a game the other kids are playing and may be unable to believe that they are serious and really are upset by him because he knows he himself is not "creepy". Well, I might have just repeated what InThisTogether said; if that's what I did then I concur with InTT.

Yes, he needs to learn 'no' means 'no'. Never mind if he doesn't know why she's saying 'no', or he thinks it's unfair, or anything like that. 'No' means 'no', simple as that.

I wonder, can you ask him if he can think of a girl he doesn't like, and imagine if she were harassing him like this? I don't know if he'd get it, but maybe that would help him understand that what he's doing is wrong.

Another question - do this girl and her friends know he has a disability? Not excusing his behavior, but she may be seeing it as more threatening than it is because she doesn't realize just how clueless he is about social things. There are different kinds of stalkers, and your son falls into one of the least dangerous categories. (The most dangerous are abusive types, who generally stalk an ex.)

Thank you I will try that approach too, asking if there's a girl he doesn't like. I in formed the school of all the facts I know of pertaining to his situation. I've just heard back from the special Ed teacher so far, but it seems like they are going to try and gather other information if possible before we sit down and try to lay it all out. It did all unravel on a Friday night so I'm trying to be patient because it's their weekend, they shouldn't have to deal with it then. Also this morning we found a post it note with kick me written on it : ( I have no idea if it's related to this other stuff going on but it sure didn't help. I wonder should I even mention it?

My 14 year old ASD nephew was almost expelled for cyber bullying/stalking. The district considers unwanted texts and school media contact as "bullying".

Similar situation. He didn't understand no means no. He had no clue the girl was upset. Had no clue the girl's parents saved all his texts and tweets, and had filed a personal protection order, which bumped the issue straight to district office.

His school has a zero tolerance on cyber bullying/stalking. It was a 7 day suspension, for which we were all grateful. He could and should have been expelled for the rest of the year. The girl's parents backed off when they saw how immature socially my nephew is. It was more "Jesus that kid is a hot mess, no need to pile on", but he got to stay in school.

He also was ordered no contact with the girl or else he would be expelled for the rest of the year.

Look in your school's book of conduct how this is handled. Even though my nephew's text and tweets happened during off school hours, it was still addressed by the school.

Being in special education didn't make a difference.

Usually the school's conduct code is online.

Good luck. This mess aged my BIL 10 years.

This kid sounds like a 13/14 year old version of me. There was this girl I liked a lot when I was 13 and I was obsessed with her for over a year and I creeped her out. Actually this has happened to a lot of girls. Of course I didn't know any better when I was younger; poor me and I never knew why girls would lose interest. I finally figured it out in 9th grade and to this day I never recovered my confidence of being able to talk with girls. I guess getting rejected time and time again had an impact on me.

I think all guys need to be taught no means no. There are some men out there who will not take no for an answer and that is how women get raped or sexually assaulted. I honestly think some men are really that stupid because they think their victim let them do it despite them saying no. I am not saying your son will do these things.

What really scares me is why are these teenage boys who are on the spectrum in public school not being watched a little more closely? I mean obviously there are deficits in social skills so why wouldn't there be problems with them knowing how to interact with the opposite sex ? It makes me a little upset with the schools. Is there not an IEP in place and who is managing the case? It really makes me not want to send my son on to middle and high school because I fear this will happen to him as well. Or that he will say or do other things that he has no idea is inappropriate.

The other thing is that all of this electronic stuff is making it way easier for our kiddos to get in trouble. I really do not want my son to have a cell phone or email for this very reason. He does tend to get fixated on other children and I can see this becoming a problem.

To the OP, I really feel for you and I hope you have found some answers and resolution. I mean honestly, if the girl was not interested in your son, how did he even get her phone number to start texting her in the first place?

I think having an adult monitor every interaction of a middle or high school boy would overall be detrimental to the kid. It is unrealistic to expect that the school district can monitor their every interaction unless they have been assigned a 1:1, and for as socially awkward as my son is, he doesn't need a 1:1, ykwim?

My son doesn't have many accounts. But I have the password to each and randomly check them all. And his phone. I think it is important to establish a sense of trust. My son understands that I am not spying on him, but that I am making sure that he is not making "mistakes." When I see a "mistake," (when I do not think he fully understands what he said, or when he makes a potentially harmful faux pas) I explain it to him. When I see him say something I do not agree with or when I think he is engaging in the foolish antics of a 13 year old, I keep my mouth shut. I am not trying to control what he says. I am trying to make sure he understands what he is saying. When he says to me "Did you see I cursed in my text?" I say "yes" and nothing more. He knows my stance on cursing. If he chooses to do so, that is on him. If he understands what he is saying and the implications and chooses to say it anyway, then I have no problem with him suffering the consequences if there are any. What I am not OK with is the thought of him suffering the consequences of something he does not understand.