Hi, desperate for strategies for this please...

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She may be provoking him on purpose. But without knowing anything about her, I just would suggest to keep in mind her skills. Not at all saying she is on the spectrum, but girls sometimes are more easily managed and therefore not diagnosed, autism can run in families, so I would just be cautious how much she can handle and that even if she is the most neurotypical child in the world, having her big brother be aggressive is pretty stressful and could make any of us adults feel overwhelmed and cranky. I do think role modeling staying calm for her as you are doing is a great thing to do for everyone until you figure this out.

waterfalls - thankyou
I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she is on the spectrum to be honest- she was such an easy baby and child . Never went through the “terrible two” stage – always happy and confident and kept herself busy. But it seemed to all go downhill when she started at school, things got noticeably worse in Kindy not wanting to go to school, anxiety and issues with friendships. Losing focus easily, hyperactive. She has always had sensitivities to clothing - all types of seams.
Thankfully she has many interests which keep her happy and mind busy for the most part.
DD is very emotional over the smallest of things so I agree with you I can hardly blame her with what she has put up with over the years and how it may have affected her.

He's going to have to learn how to deal with these painful noises without becoming aggressive. For me, sounds like this feel like an aggressive assault. Ignoring them is like ignoring a burn, but that's what we have to learn to do.
That he doesn't want to wear ear defenders anymore suggests that he is trying to control his environment rather than his response to it. Understandable. I felt this way once too. But the thing is, you cannot control the environment, you have to survive in it.
I would specifically address the use of ear defenders with him. He probably associates the old ones with his childhood; perhaps it you could try out different styles of defenders and somehow make them cool?

I hope you can help your daughter with the sensory stuff, maybe things will make more sense to your son if she is starting to feel and be calmer and that may help him!

Yes I agree and hopefully in time he will learn to as he has with the other noises that used to bother him



She sees an OT for the sensory issue. And I only buy her clothing that is super soft and do a lot of distraction when she is irritated which works well.

I hope he is getting OT too?

He is not seeing one presently no but I have a doc apt for him next week to see which way she suggests we go.

I asked because OT for sensory issues is SO helpful IMO for agitated children on the spectrum. It's even possible he is noticing her get it and jealous since if it's good it seems to be a positive experience.

Jealous in a good way, like letting people know what he needs.....though obviously you'd like him to improve how he communicates his needs!!

I must admit I didn't read through all the replies, so forgive me if this is repetetive. I too have an oldest diagnosed with high functioning aspergers, and younger (twin) brothers, 2 years apart. Last year when she was seven my sweet daughter began to have tantrums we hadn't seen the likes of in a while, and with increasing and surprising physical aggression. We sought professional help! We used both rewards (sticker chart for de-escalating w parent guidance) and time outs if that failed. We have been very consistent: acting out w pushing furniture, or hurting people leads to immediate time out in her room where she can punch a pillow, yell or kick her mattress all she wants. We also practiced deep breathing techniques when calm, but not enough for that to be too successful on her own. There are still sometimes "situations", but much better managed and fewer between. This may not be different from NT children, but I don't know! My daughter is smart. She understands rules if they are black and white. And I have been very supportive coaching her with coping techniques. We have been working on this for almost a year now. Hope helpful.

DS does not like doing anything that makes him appear "different," and occasionally suffers from noise sensitivity (it gets exacerbated by stress) During those times, we got him a set of noise-canceling earbuds that look just like the ones anyone would wear to listen to music. He sometimes just wears them, and sometimes actually listens to music if noise is bothering him.

Just a thought.

He also may be one of the "hold it together in public, explode in private" kind of kids (DS is also one) and therefore may be just as bothered with other people's kids as with yours, but his fear of losing it in public is greater than his fear of losing it at home in his safe place...plus, if home is his safe place and there is uncontrollable screaming there, that is probably much more frustrating.

I'd agree also with the everyone-else-leaves-he-stays solution.

OP it is a shame your son isn't yet able to understand how his screaming and being aggressive may be contributing to your daughter's acting in ways that then annoy him. Could you ask her OT for suggestions how to help him?

Another suggestion which could be way off the mark but are you 100% sure that he doesn't feel empathy when she cries? My son used to appear not to and cover his ears and shout when his sister was upset but now he's older and able to express himself a bit more I've discovered that he actually finds it quite overwhelmingly upsetting when his sister cries.
I'm just thinking if it was the noise he would just get out of there or cover his ears. Maybe he thinks if he stops her crying it will stop her being sad?

It is important that he learns how to handle his sensory overload issues in a socially appropriate manner. He can wear earplugs during the crying and go into another room. If he refuses, ask him what he thinks will happen when he is an adult in public and reacts to an unpleasant noise in this manner. Ask him why it is okay for him to have a temper tantrum and punch walls, but not okay for her to cry. Ask him if his reaction is likely to stop her crying. Don't tell him the answers, just ask him the questions. If that doesn't work, you could take away privileges to encourage him to change.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's around your son's current age and I had temper tantrums and significant behavioral issues, including inappropriate behavior in response to sensory overload (which happens quite easily for me). Thus, I am not unsympathetic to his situation.

I go nuts when I hear my upstairs neighbors, when the next door neighbor cries, when people chew with their mouthful...ugh What has helped my son, as he also has issues with it, is having wireless headphones most of the time. He can listen to his favorite music and not be bothered by other noises. Also, I have soft music that he enjoys playing in our home most of the time we are home.